Dear Parole Board Who Will Decide the Fate of The Man Who Raped Me…

Well, here we go again.  I think this is the third time he’s been up for parole, and my feelings are the same. It’s amazing how I can keep it together until I get ‘the call’ or ‘the letter’ telling me it’s time again.  Once again, I’m reminded even more deeply of what Carl Chambers did to me on January 10, 1987.   I was 23 years old, a virgin, and terribly naive. He stole a lot that day.  Let me tell you why he should stay in prison, once again.

Carl Edward Chambers
Mugshot- January 2012

On January 10, 1987,  Carl Chambers spent six hours doing non-stop violence to me. He raped me with his penis, a wine cooler bottle with ragged foil on its neck,  his fist, and he sodomized me repeatedly with ‘himself’ and the wine cooler bottle.  He beat me in the head; I’m reminded of  that whenever I open my jaw- it still clicks out of the joint briefly when I chew.  I can still feel the scar inside my mouth where my lower teeth went through my lower lip.  I had torn uterine ligaments, and when I was going through a routine pelvic exam and Pap test years ago, the nurse practitioner asked me how many times I’d been pregnant, as she saw the visible signs of that… I told her only the one time when I lost it, and flushed it down the toilet. That happened 10-12 weeks after the rape.  I’d never had sex before; it was his.

I knew I was pregnant, even though everyone passed off the morning sickness and fatigue as stress from the rape.  I was too scared to get a pregnancy test at the drugstore.  And then that morning I’ll never forget, the cramping started, and I felt it leaving my body and ending up in the toilet.  I saw it. It was the part of the placenta that is attached to the uterus, and kind of ‘jagged’.  I didn’t look any closer. I knew what it was.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I just flushed the toilet.  That image is permanently plastered in my memory.

Chambers raped me while on parole. He’d been let out 38 days earlier.  He was arrested when he was on parole after getting out on mandatory release for what he did to me, but since it was an assault on a man, it was only a misdemeanor. Then, when he was about to get a decreased level of supervision in January of this year, he got arrested for something that was bad enough to get him put back in prison; a ‘parole violation’ is what I was told. To me that screams “put me back in”. He doesn’t “do parole”.

I fight not only for what happened to me, but because I feel it’s my responsibility to do all I can to help keep him in prison so nobody else has to know what he could do next.  He is completely capable of killing someone.  Had I not escaped from him, I’d be dead. No way could he leave me alive after I knew where he lived, his name, his sister, and the list of things he did to me. I fought to stay alive that morning. He told me if I made any noise, he’d kill me. While he had me lying on the living room floor,  I hung onto the coffee table leg and focused on the pain in the intensity of my grip.  I would see his arms with blood about 3-4 inches up each arm from his wrists, and go back to focusing on that coffee table leg- just to keep from screaming.

He took a lot that morning in 1987.  He took my innocence in believing that if I knew who someone was related to, I was safe. He took my virginity. He took my feeling of being safe at all times in my own home. He took my ability to see myself in any sort of relationship or marriage.  He took my dreams of a husband and kids.  He left me feeling damaged and torn. He damaged my body. He left me with a life sentence of having to deal with him, his parole hearings, and parole violation information.  He never goes away for long enough to feel like my life matters in the whole process. There is one person in the Victim Services Department who has been a huge source of encouragement, but I shouldn’t have to know him.

When I was raped, part of me stopped moving forward.  I can’t get that back. I’ve done the best I can to make my life count with the work I did as a nurse before becoming disabled.  But there is nothing that makes January 10, 1987 go away.  Before the mandatory release, I had periods of time when those memories weren’t as strong as they are during the period of parole review.  But it’s never really gone.  I’ve done what I can to be a survivor and not a victim, and then I feel like I become that scared 23 year old all over again when I hear he might get out of prison… he ignores parole, so that isn’t even something that gives me any comfort.  He’s still OUT.   I try to live the best way I can, considering the limitations I have.  While I know I’m strong emotionally, and have much more insight than I did in 1987, nothing makes the parole hearing easy.  It’s all about him.  His freedom.  Freeing up space in the prison system.  That decision to let him out could very easily end up with someone being murdered.  It’s the only thing (that anyone knows about) that he hasn’t been arrested for- and do any of these guys go back to lesser crimes when they start up again?   I hope I don’t find out that he murdered someone, though it will never be a surprise if I do.

Keep him in custody.  He violates parole like he breathes. It means nothing to him, and causes indescribable agony for those he attacks (not to mention what my parents and family/friends went through – it’s never just about the direct victim).  Please….please.

Published by JillinoisRN

A disabled RN who is still trying to find ways to help people. I've got a lot of interests, and a lot of things I'd like to convey to people.... whether they want to 'hear' them remains to be seen :)

10 thoughts on “Dear Parole Board Who Will Decide the Fate of The Man Who Raped Me…

  1. Thank you. The lead voter heard me read this over the phone, and asked where the rest of them could find it; I’m hoping that bodes well for what I’m hoping happens….keep his nasty butt in prison ! 🙂

  2. I can feel your deep pain. I was a victim of rape as a child. I too fight to keep the moster behind prison gates until his last breath too. I admire you telling your story and standing tall in a situation that no one can ever understand. You have taken back your life and may help others in your same situation to change their life for the better.


    1. I’m so sorry for what you went through; I’m thankful he’s behind bars. I see your user name; I’m also a cancer survivor (leukemia). Some of us understand more than we ever wanted to…. ❤

  3. As a survivor of sexual abuse as a child it was very difficult for me to read your post and I must admit I couldn’t read the details of the attack against you. It was just too much for me to handle. It brings me back to stuff I cannot bear to think about all these years later. I am so sorry you have to deal with this repeatedly whenever he is up for parole. I never filled charges against my abusers and it took my mom over 25 years for her to believe that it really happened (not her fault, she did the best she could as a single mom and thought with the loud mouth I had that something like this if it ever happened that I would’ve told her, she too is a survivor of rape only she had the baby and it was stolen from her seconds after giving birth), I’ve been reading a book called you can heal your life by Louise Hay and it’s really been helping me deal with a lot of things that I have stifled down. You are so incredibly brave to write about this topic. I’m having a hard time just telling someone that this even happened to me. It started when I was 2 and finished when I was 9. My innocence was stolen, and I have tried to forgive myself but it’s hard. It left me with a permanent feeling of unworthiness and other feelings that later on caused me to act out. Finally at age ten I started to put on a massive amount of weight, I know now that was my sub conciesce trying to make myself unattractive to the opposite sex. (not trying to brag but I was a stunning child). My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry but I try to think of a quote that I am unsure of where it is in the bible but it basically says that when God gives us adversities that it then enables us to comfort others. I’m not saying its a good reason but it does give me a little bit of peace. I’m so terribly sorry and I’m sending you lots of love and light right now. This should have never happened to you and the fact that he was on parole makes me sick at how our justice system works. Stay strong.

    1. Oh, I just want to give you a big gentle hug 🙂 In some ways it’s been easier for me to talk about it since it was highly publicized; you have had to keep your pain inside- and that hurts a lot. Then to not have a parent believe you had to hurt your soul even more. I do get a lot of peace from the Psalms especially, knowing that God will have the final judgement on this man… I’ve forgiven him as an act of obedience (but will never be in the same room with him without a lot of armed guards/officers). Writing has helped me a lot. Thank you for your kind words, and you still are beautiful !

    2. How are you doing, Kim? I’m in the middle of another parole protest year, and am sending links to the parole board, and came across this. I do hope you are well, and that good things are finding you.

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