….to have all sorts of things churned up. I don’t really get ”depressed’ over the holiday season, but more a vague sense of being overwhelmed since there are a lot of ‘anniversaries’ around this time. This year added a new one with the death of my amazing, crazy companion- my miniature schnauzer Mandy, who died on December 27, 2012.
I’m still crying pretty much every day when I think about her, and especially about that last day. I’m very thankful that that ‘end’ part was pretty fast. And she was in my arms. At first, she whimpered enough to alarm me, and from that point until she was actually gone, no more than 15 minutes went by. After she peed, and then froze in her tracks, she seemed confused, and not sure what to do, so I just held her and told her how wonderful she’d been. Her breathing slowly stopped as I held her on my lap. The ‘new normal’ of not hearing her come running when I mess with the dishwasher or clothes dryer (she had a thing for appliances), of her not leaving the room when I sneeze (or even said the word ‘sneeze’), or escorting me to the door when I got my keys to get the mail. I didn’t have to say anything; she just knew. I miss her more than words really can describe. She was my only companion here in this city, for the past 10 years. I talk to my dad every day; I saw my dog 24/7- especially since being on disability since April 2004.
Then there is the whole issue of being disabled. It is somewhat worse in the winter months since everybody has the heat on. I don’t tolerate heat- to the point I shaved my head again (well, I had a professional do it; I wanted to avoid slicing my ears off). With my ‘normal’ hair (mine is really, really thick), I can’t tolerate the heat it retains. Think dead animal on my scalp. I also have to see a surgeon this next week about some (more) cysts on my scalp that are painful. They need to go, so the poor doc has to be able to see my head. The other issues with disability include being in more pain when it’s cold outside, and my joints just not liking getting in and out of the car. Sounds wimpy. Maybe it is. All I know is that I have to manage it the best I can- so whatever I can get delivered to my door (Schwann’s frozen foods, Walmart for laundry and paper goods, Amazon for miscellaneous stuff, etc), I do. It’s still very painful just grocery shopping for the dairy/fresh items, but it definitely helps to get stuff delivered when possible. I’m thankful that those things are available.
Early January is rough for anniversaries. January 7, 1978 my figure skating coach’s six kids were murdered by her then husband. I was 14 years old, and it rocked me to the core. I can’t imagine how she has done. I think about her often, and have always prayed that somehow she’s managed to have a life after that. January 10, 1987, I was raped and ‘tortured’ (word the newspaper used- don’t want to sound overly dramatic on my own) for 6 hours when the uncle of a baby I took care of regularly lied his way into my apartment… he did things to me I’d never heard of, being very naive…and a virgin. I’ve never let anybody get close to me since then. I’d always thought I’d have a family of my own. That day changed a lot- but I survived. And I’m thankful for that.
In 1982, the semester that started in late January was a bad one. I was in the midst of some serious eating disorder stuff, and the depression I only get when I’m starving and purging. I ended up getting sent to a psych hospital (no eating disorder ‘treatment centers’ back then) for several months. That was a bad year. I ended up attempting suicide the next semester when I returned to the university. I was in a coma, and then shipped back to the psych hospital for many more months, once I woke up and was medically cleared. Things weren’t done in a week to 10 days back then. I spent about 8 months altogether at Forest Hospital (Des Plaines, IL) in 1982. They were good to me; I did do better, but the eating disorders were on-again/off-again for decades.
This is the first winter since early 2010 (when I was diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia) that I haven’t been on chemotherapy or waiting for the built up amounts of toxins to leave my body. I’m still dealing with the weight gain and changes in my blood sugars and insulin doses, as chemo messed that all up. The diabetes is getting better faster (great endocrinologist with a Joslin Diabetes Center affiliate here in town). I wasn’t on steroids long enough for that to be an issue- it’s ‘just’ the arsenic, tretinoin (ATRA), methotrexate, and M6Mercaptopurine. They rearranged my chromosomes (literally…. they ‘re-translocated’ the arms of 15 and 17). I guess it will take some time to get my body back to ‘normal’. I hate the weight. I’ve had a long history of eating disorders, so can’t just do some crash diet and hope for the best- it could easily trigger a relapse that I just can’t afford. But I’m going to turn 50 in late 2013; I don’t want to look like this when I turn 50. I didn’t want to look like this at all… but it was chemo or die.
And yet, I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m alive- that’s the big one; people with APL sometimes aren’t diagnosed until autopsy (and I know of 2 people just a few months ago who only had one and two days from the time they were told the diagnosis and the time they died; one was 11 years old). I’ve survived being raped, and other stuff. And, with my health, I am glad to just have a day when I can get the basics done around here. I’d like to be around people more, and am hoping to get to that Bible Study I’d mentioned in another post; last week (the first meeting of this topic- Ephesians) I wasn’t feeling well- that doesn’t mix well with indoor heat, even with my ice vest. A childhood friend who I’ve reconnected with on FB came over one Saturday, and helped me with some generalized clutter (result of not being able to unpack after the last time I’d packed to move BACK to Texas), and is coming again- that has been a huge help. I want to get this place puppy-proofed for the new puppy I hope to get this spring. That helps, too. I can’t imagine not having that hope for a new little companion to fill the dog-shaped hole in my heart.
2013 isn’t starting badly… just ‘complicated’ by past and present stuff mixing together. There is still more good than bad. I still have a lot of interests, and while I can’t physically do a lot, I do find things to keep me happy and make me laugh, especially online. Blogging has been a great way to blow off steam, and some days that makes a big difference. 🙂