People Who Literally Make Me Sick (Dysautonomia)

That may sound ridiculous, but within the walls of dysautonomia,  anything that triggers a fight or flight response is something to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, that includes  avoiding people who come across as harshly combative, unapproachable, condescending, promoting hate, and/or having no respect for anybody but themselves and their very narrow circle of (usually) legalistic Christians.  It’s sad.  Several of these people are folks I’d hoped to reconnect with, or at least get to know better.  But when interactions with them actually trigger the heart rate abnormalities and changes, and other dysautonomia symptoms, I can’t have anything to do with them.  😦

I love the Lord with all I am.  I try to look at things with a non-judgemental view, and realize that I’m only responsible for my own actions.  I’m also supposed to be a representative of Jesus, and He Himself said that He is love.  Love doesn’t have a place for hate, rudeness, impatience, unkindness, abruptness, superiority, pride, or anything else that pushes others away.   I feel like I fail that because of not being able to physically tolerate hostile and confrontational people.  I don’t like that my life is better without some people in it, and for that ‘all’ I can do is pray.  Being sick because of them helps nobody. 

I see so much hatred for our President.  That saddens me.  I don’t have to like what he promotes, or believe anything he believes. But promoting and spreading unkind words doesn’t reflect him  nearly as much as it does my own character.  I’m supposed to pray for him as well.  It’s the most powerful thing I have for those who disregard what I believe… and just because I don’t agree with some things doesn’t mean that I disagree with everything.  I don’t claim a political party… I don’t identify with any of them because of the extremism, which always repels more than it engages.

I see so much judgement for those who aren’t Bible-thumping, legalistic Christians (BY Bible-thumping legalistic Christians).  I believe in the Bible very strongly. But I also believe that I don’t know a whole lot more than what I do know.  Because of that, I don’t feel like judgement is my right.  I believe that a Christian is supposed to represent Christ, and not be judge, jury, and executioner for people they don’t know.  I can only judge myself.  Each person will answer to God one day… not me.  I don’t believe in legalism. I believe in a relationship with God that is my own. I can’t live someone else’s relationship with Christ.  I can’t determine who is ‘enough’ of a Christian.  I’ve only walked in my own shoes.

I see so much condescension and disrespect online. Some people I know, but most I do not, and am thankful for that.  I can still pray for them.  I don’t have to like someone to wish them better than what they offer me.  I have had to block some of these people from my life because of the physical reaction to their apparent demeanor in whatever way they’ve communicated with me.  A huge part of communication- the non-verbal- is missing from anything written.  I don’t understand why some people can say things I strongly disagree with, and I don’t become sick, while others leave me needing medication to regulate my heart rate.  Maybe it’s because I’ve heard their tone, general demeanor, and know their personality well enough to know they typically communicate with kindness and respect.  I don’t know.

There are a few people who have been SO personally ‘combative’ in how they interact with me.  One refers to me as ‘human debris’, and has been blocked from my life for several years. I wish him/her well in his/her life, but he/she’s too toxic to have anything to do with. There is another person who comes across as generally condescending in a bizarre way.  He/she also has some indescribable quality that pushes me away. I don’t like that I feel that way, yet I can’t control the way my body responds.  I’m not proud of that. I’ve tried to form some sort of relationship in the past, but there’s a huge wall.   Others who have pushed my body past the limits of being physically stable are those who have been friends of friends on FaceBook… unfortunately, their hateful combativeness with any interaction ended up in deleting the friend (at least on FaceBook; with some, there is still e-mail contact away from the venomous ‘friends’ of theirs.  IF someone had talked to someone I actually knew like that, THEY would be the one cut loose.  I won’t tolerate attacks when something is on a page with my name on it.

There are others who condemn someone very close to me for things that they may have heard about, but got either a biased report, or just enjoy grudges. The people who were there are not nearly as hateful as those who were not.  I will stand behind this person any day of the week.  He/she has always had my back. Has he/she annoyed me at times? Yep.  I’m sure I’ve done my share of being annoying.  (Anybody want to cast the first stone?)  My mom was very hard to live with.  She taught me that appearances and my weight determined my value as a person, and treated me as such. (In her own weird way, I know she loved me, but she was very damaging; I still love and miss her).   But, that is always blamed on my dad- by someone who wasn’t even there.  There are a lot of judgmental eyes on the most outwardly “Christian” side of the family… and that saddens me.  I had no idea how deep the hate ran until I moved back here, hoping to be closer to all of my family.  Evidently, they have no need or desire to move forward and be forgiving- or have anything to do with me, because of their feelings about my dad. (Not all, mind you…. but enough to make things difficult). 😦

Anyway, dysautonomia isn’t just about the physical limitations of standing or sitting too long, being overheated, or having pain push me over the edge. It’s also about being triggered emotionally,  while having all of the cognitive parts of the interaction being very rational, but having my body become ill.  It’s incredibly embarrassing.  I have medication that helps to some degree, but prevention is always better.  And sometimes prevention means avoidance.

I will always wish those people well.  🙂

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2 thoughts on “People Who Literally Make Me Sick (Dysautonomia)

  1. I think you are wise to recognize that some people are best in small doses. There are some people in my life that I can love best by limiting my time with them. It’s of no help when both ships sink… Good on you for doing what you need to to stay afloat.

    Blessings ~ Wendy

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