Eating Ghosts and Body Image

I haven’t been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, and I don’t really think I’d qualify since I’m actually a physical mess- no imagined defects. But I don’t like my body at all right now.  I need to lose weight, and I have to admit, I have had times when the ghosts of past eating disorders start to haunt me.   It’s been three years since I stopped the chemo for leukemia that lead to weight gain. I’ve lost some of the weight, but not where I need to be to not feel so ‘inflated’.   I’d FINALLY gotten to a place where I could tolerate what I looked like, and then BOOM.  Nineteen months of heavy duty chemo to keep me alive gave me jowls and a gut that I hadn’t seen since the 90s before the last anorexia relapse.   Throw in what seems like some diabetic complications that makes food stay in my stomach for longer than normal, with horrible, very visible bloating (and often bad diarrhea when it finally starts to ‘move’), and food is becoming something that is causing some bothersome battles .

I know way too well that once anorexia or bulimia gets a foothold, it is extremely difficult to get rid of.  I’ve also been through some times with abnormal weight loss when I had undiagnosed GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disorder).  So, on one hand, I’m terrified of an eating disorder relapse, and on the other, I really, really need to lose the chemo weight.  And, the discomfort from the stomach sluggishness adds to the feeling of ‘fat’ (yeah, I know, fat isn’t a feeling).  I don’t know how to lose weight without getting into trouble (I did Nutrisystem for a while, and it is very effective, but I had some sort of reaction to something in the products).  Nobody takes me seriously, when I show up at this weight, and mention a fear of getting trapped in those cycles again.

I’m 50 friggin’ years old, and an RN (disabled, but I’ve still got my license).  I’ve never felt ‘normal’ in terms of emotional developmental stages- partly because of the eating disorders disrupting normal emotional growth (which began by the time I was seventeen, in earnest, so part of me is still stuck there- as with any addiction, emotional progress halts at the time the addiction kicks in), and also because I’ve never gone through the ‘normal’ marriage, children, love, etc. that the vast majority of 50 year old women have been through (thank you rape in 1987, and working a lot of hours, and also hours that greatly sabotaged any chances of meeting someone to have any sort of relationship with).  My brain still has that craving to have the body I had in the past (during the un-fat years), and it’s  so much more complicated than that.  I don’t really care what I look like in someone else’s eyes.  I like that I no longer have to deal with peer issues with clothing and external appearance… the battle is with how I see myself more than anything.  Since I’m rarely around anybody else, my opinion is always the ‘loudest’.

I don’t want to be scrawny.  I find that incredibly unattractive. I’ve been on the lighter end of my weight range for my body type and height… I don’t like bone protrusion, but I do remember liking to be able to feel them not too far away.   My ‘good’ weight in terms of looks, and how I feel in my own skin is actually higher than what most people would probably be OK with.  When I began my last relapse with anorexia, I was seriously fat, give or take an ounce… so when I lost %40 of my starting weight , it was a huge difference (that I couldn’t see). While I didn’t look anorexic, my mindset was entrenched in disorder.  I looked like a ‘normal’ person.   I want to be at the weight I was when I got out of treatment last time- or where I settled out at when my eating stabilized for about 11 years.

I think that’s why it’s been so hard- I’d finally been relatively accepting of my body until the chemo blow-up.  Staying alive is a good thing; I’m thankful for that.  And yet the mechanism to do that has created some really miserable feelings about this carcass I lug around.  I was extremely ill with the leukemia- six weeks on isolation in the hospital, then 50 doses of IV arsenic given while I was connected to monitors (I did get to go home afterwards, but it was about 10 weeks of daily trips to the hospital for either the arsenic, or shots to increase my white blood cells; there were 2 5-week cycles).  There was no option but to go with the treatment plan, or I could have literally dropped dead at any time (know of two people with the same form I had who did just that- though it took them about 24-36 hours for docs and their families to know they were not coming back from the bleed in their brains from such deficits in blood clotting; one was 11 years old, and the great-nephew of a friend).  In so many ways, I’m SO incredibly fortunate.  Does that make me a shallow jerk for focusing on my weight?

It’s not really about my looks. It’s about feeling physically uncomfortable in my own skin.  The photo isn’t a great angle, and my usual jeans/t-shirt ensemble isn’t very flattering – but you get the idea.   At least I wasn’t gross.  I was also somewhat miserable in this photo from the GERD… but I didn’t feel fat.  I was 43 in that photo…

I could live with this... c. 2007-2009; leukemia diagnosed in 2010.

I could live with this… c. 2007-2009; leukemia diagnosed in 2010.

SO, how to figure this out.  I don’t want to get sick.  I don’t want the torment of being ruled by calories and food.  I don’t want to be a slave to the scale.  Those years (which were on and off for about 22 years) were horrific.  I see people  (media, wherever) who have been engrossed in EDs for decades, and what merit is there in that?  My identity is in being an RN… not a stick, or something that others know is unwell.   I don’t want the mental fog as it relates to everything but the ED.  There is no life outside of an ED when someone is IN it.  Relationships with anyone and anything else are half-assed at best.  I don’t like the victim mentality of being caught up in anorexia or bulimia.  It’s so incredibly selfish, and I know that.  People want to either ‘rescue’ (those people are nowhere to be found when things get better) or run like hell from the chaos of someone who is ruled by numbers (that really mean nothing).

I go see my MD in a couple of weeks for a flu shot, and to discuss the bloating issues, as well as some other things that have been unpleasant.  If some of that could be managed better, I might feel less inclined to have to restrict a lot  in order to just feel ‘comfortable’, which will lead to weight loss, which is good, but can also lead to getting swept up in cutting back even more.    I know the cycle.  But looking at me now, I’m not taken seriously- so will have to approach this with my doc from the physical standpoint of the horrible bloating.

Ramble, ramble, ramble….  now back to regular programming.  :/

 

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