I’m not in a good mood. This year has sucked rocks. I won’t go through the myriad of shootings, public riots, celebrity deaths, cop shootings, “unarmed” shootings, local crime rate, racial tension, blah, blah, blah. All that does is make me dislike humans more intensely (and with the racial stuff, it’s usually the arrogant white folks that piss me off the most). Since my dad died in April of 2016, I have had few interactions that I really cared to be a part of. They were ‘mandatory’ or required to be just social ‘enough’. If I tried to escape I’d turn on the TV just to hear about how horrifically humans were treating each other, and it just made me grieve for civilization. Thank God there were enough interactions with a few people that at least kept my head above water enough to breathe. I’m very grateful for them.
The presidential election process further lowered my respect for humans in general (a few exceptions helped me not lose all hope). One relationship ended because of the rabid and incessant postings of negativity about Obama…. get the hell over it- he was elected nearly eight years ago… MOVE ON. I can’t stand the constant and so ‘wing-nut right’ rants. I didn’t much like any of the candidates this year, but the options in the end were almost unbearably bleak… one much more than the other (imho), and that’s who we’re stuck with now. It does warm my heart that he didn’t win the popular vote. There’s a glimmer of sunshine there. Doesn’t matter who specifically won the popular vote, as long as it wasn’t the sociopath. I’m grateful for that bit of hope.
Back to my dad. He died on April 4th at 12:50 a.m. He wasn’t ‘expected’ to die during that period of illness, and like my mom, he had been blown off when he complained about pain/had symptoms. Don’t go to rehab hospitals where they have such narrow focus. They try to fit all symptoms into the disorder they are treating. Dad’s former (very sweet) lady friend of eight years went to the same place, and she called me to ask what she should do since they weren’t dealing with the fluid accumulation in her abdomen (she had cancer). I told her to ask to go to the ER for an evaluation. She did, and ended up having to have multiple ‘drainings’ of the fluid. But the facility didn’t come up with the idea to send her in for evaluation on their own- she had to ask. I wish I’d been more astute with dad’s pain. He wasn’t great at describing pain, but I feel bad that I didn’t see more. I am extremely relieved that I was with him during those last 19 hours. To have missed that would have killed me. I made sure he knew I wasn’t leaving him before he went into a coma. I promised not to leave him, and I didn’t . But as an RN since 1985 (regardless of being disabled, I keep my license), I have constant ‘brain drain’ about what I should have done to help him more. He was a great dad. He didn’t deserve that much pain. He deserved to be listened to and believed by the people who were supposed to be caring for him.
There was another ‘lady friend’ ( “B”) that dad hung out with socially for about a year before he died, and who was around like flies at a picnic during the last month of his life. She encouraged him to be dependent, and robbed him of whatever independent activities he could do… which weren’t many. She turned into more of a nightmare after he died. She obviously had some intense delusions about the type of relationship she had with dad. Dad truly liked the companionship
(and her billionaire son in law fascinated him- only thing he mentioned if someone asked if he was seeing someone- never mentioned her by name). She liked “possession” of him (and had a total hissy fit when I told another one of dad’s lady friends she could put photos on the photo table at the visitation; it was a pathological reaction- they were. not. married. I included as many of his special lady friends as I could find photos of) . She also hurt me intensely after the funeral, complaining that she wasn’t mentioned by name ‘enough’ during HIS funeral. She said her church friends all noticed it and that the pastor who did the service had it in for her since she wasn’t a member of dad’s church… that pastor hadn’t even worked at that church for a while… “B” was clueless and so friggin’ insecure and paranoid. She wanted to know why I hadn’t consulted her about financial matters (like it’s her business- she was fishing for info, imho). She also told me (dad’s daughter) that SHE would miss dad the most. Seriously? He was my DAD. She was a 1.2% part of his life. That’s it. Barely existed (would you miss 1.2 cents from a buck?) She told me that dad didn’t like the one lady friend (with photos, who he’d known since high school), and I knew that wasn’t true. That’s when I started to see “B” more clearly. She fabricated things to make her feel like his lifelong love… well, she missed that train when mom married him, and then the wonderful lady he saw for eight years after mom died. I’d lost my dad, and she was ragging on about all sorts of stuff. Sure, I knew she’d miss him. But her degree of histrionics was exhausting and painful. “B” was creepy- saying that she saw him looking back at her when she put his glasses on her kitchen table (she had a mild conniption at the visitation about when dad’s glasses were going to be taken off… I told her to take them just to shut her up). I do hope she’s well ( and well away from me). I pray that her macular degeneration is stable, and not getting worse. And I want nothing to do with her. I had to have the garage door opener codes changed because she refused to give me back the one she was last known to have. I added keyless deadbolts. When I think of her now, I wonder about her DSM-V diagnoses. And I still wish her well.
I’ve been contacted via greeting cards by two of my deceased mom’s siblings who made sure I was excluded as ‘family’ while they manipulated and dismantled my late grandmother’s trust
(grandma was spineless when it came to standing up for what was fair… she got bullied and she folded) . It was mangled after my mom died, and the surviving siblings kept ensuring they profited off of their dead siblings each time one of them died. Once someone writes me off, it’s over. I don’t want to be reminded of their existence with hypocritical cards. Either I’m part of the family, or not. Can’t have both. They deleted me based on lies they KNEW were lies. That’s what gets me the most. Screw the money. I’d settle for truth – but that bunch is incapable. Leifheit Logic in that generation has been sketchy at best for decades. My mom was in that generation, and her biggest ‘flaw’ in regards to logic was keeping her marriage vows and having strong faith… maybe they resented her for that… ? . Hard to tell with narcissists. I do know that I want nothing to do with them. They ‘cancelled’ my family ‘membership’ – and that’s just fine. But be done with it already. GO AWAY, even via mail. I am thankful that the six cousins I have from the other ‘discarded’ sibling understand that we’re worth nothing to the greed-mongers. I didn’t even tell mom’s surviving siblings when dad died; they found out on Facebook… never occurred to me to consider them part of the family to notify. They dumped me about 5 months earlier. It wasn’t even an issue in my mind/life.
I’m going in to 2017 with a questionable mass on my neck. I have a CT scan scheduled for a week from tomorrow. The hope is that it’s just a lipoma (nothing major), but with my crazy medical history, including a LOT of chemo for leukemia, there is always a question about more cancer. Chemo can cause cancer (isn’t that special?) . It has no doubt contributed to the increase in peripheral neuropathy (including the dysautonomia/POTS). But without it, I would have been dead in 2010. Pain is more intense now, including the degenerative disc and joint disease. I see a new chiropractor next week to hopefully put my neck ‘back in place’. But, I’m alive. That is still worth it.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for. That isn’t lost on me by a long shot. But like anybody I still have my bad days, and today is a really lousy one. Next year, I MUST lose weight. I need to do all I can to avoid future joint replacements and minimize joint and disc pain. I have to get more focused on keeping track of carbohydrates and insulin requirements. Right now, my blood sugars are very unstable. Stress isn’t helping that. But I’ve got my dog. She is always happy to be around me, and I’m so thankful for her.
Mostly, I’m thankful for God. That is my ‘Constant’ and my Hope. I don’t generally find organized religion to be satisfying, but I do love the Lord. Call it what you want if you don’t believe… for me , my faith is the only thing that keeps me going. I know that this life is temporary, and that after this earth, it’s all good. I don’t like the politics of Christians. I aim to be more compassionate than the judging and ‘dismissing’ of entire groups of people – and I’m not unaware that my feelings about that are also judging and dismissing (I’m working on that). And, I still love God more than any human I’ve ever met. Fortunately, I had a great earthly father to show me a small example of what a Heavenly Father feels for His children. When this earth and its people depress me, I remember God. He has this all in control. I don’t have to worry about any of the mess going on… in the end, good wins. I don’t have to worry about what others do, or use them as political pawns. I only answer for what I do. When there’s nobody to talk to, God is always there. No matter what, God is my refuge and joy. He is what makes tolerating this earth bearable. I know it’s all going to be OK one day. Maybe not soon, or maybe tomorrow. It doesn’t matter when. He wins every time. And I know that HE alone can help me see things in a way that is less painful. HE can remind me of the good that is already here. I don’t think I’d be able to function if I didn’t have that hope and assurance.