The Only Place I Can Write This…

….and not freak a bunch of people out.    This is the second Christmas without dad, whose family was the  core of all things Christmas when I was growing up.   Even until the Christmas before he died, those who were still around  got together to do the Swedish Christmas Eve party with a lot of traditions soaked into a few hours one night each year.  The music, food, memories- they were all part of something more than any one of us.  They were the bits and pieces of each family member who had been at any of those wonderful Christmas parties.   And now, everybody is either dead, lives somewhere else, or has more dependable people to spend the night with (and I completely understand that- I’m NOT reliable when it comes to showing up for gatherings, with the medical issues and equipment I need to lug along with me if I do go somewhere).   Christmas feels like it’s  over.  Of course, I know that the true meaning of Christmas will never be ‘over’… but everything visible that  I associate with Christmas is gone.  It makes the other pain more intense…    I did have a very nice invitation to go to a friend’s home for a Christmas brunch, which I so appreciate… but I’m just not in a mood to be around humans today.

I got mad at my older dog earlier today, and screamed at her.   My dad bought her for me after my previous dog died of heart failure at age 11 1/2.   Shelby (older dog) is my baby- my pride and joy, and best gift ever from my dad.   She was visibly upset at me being mad at her, since it’s not something she’s used to.  The little dog, Shiloh,  ( 5 1/2 months old) went and lied down on her ‘cube’ bed.  I just went and sat down, and started sobbing and repeating “I’m SO sorry”.    Shelby came over and got on my lap and didn’t seem any worse for the wear, but I feel terrible.   It’s never either of their ‘fault’ that I’m having a bad day.   I can’t take it out on them.  They mean too much, and are my only constant companions.    I feel like I’m sometimes no good for them, though I’d do anything to make their lives as good as is humanly possible to do.   My days revolve around feeding them, changing the pee pads, having them on my lap, etc.

When I feel like this, my thoughts get very dark.  I wonder why I’m still alive, and what possible purpose I could have being a disabled RN whose only hope is riding on being approved for medical marijuana.   Me.  A former detox RN in a drug/alcohol treatment center… HOPING that I can get some pain relief from MMJ.   The fibromyalgia has gotten worse, and add to that diabetic neuropathy pain and bone-on-bone knee pain (that can’t be fixed because of my history of pulmonary emboli… they call knee replacements “elective” surgery, and “pain won’t kill you”), and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t get some relief soon.     Pain may not kill me physiologically, but it certainly could be the factor that decides when I’ve had enough of being alive, and make a very desperate decision to opt out.   I have opiates.  They don’t do much.   I’ve been through physical therapy, TENS units, chiropractors, steroid injections, etc.  I can’t take Aleve or Motrin because of my kidney function.   So, yeah… pain can kill.

I need to be very clear.  I am not suicidal.  I do not want to die.  I just wonder how I’m going to manage living when there is no relief from my body hurting.  Any contact with furniture, or sometimes even clothing, is miserable.   I’m relying on the hope that medical marijuana offers.  So many people are getting help from a simple little plant.   I know that I need  not to  pin all of my hopes on using weed for medication- but right now, it’s the only thing I haven’t tried.     I focus on how much I love the two dogs- and how much they depend on me.   That is huge.    I need to have very concrete reasons to get up each day and know that two little beings depend on me for everything in their lives.   They are my only immediate family.   I have biological and adoptive family all over the place, and I’m very thankful for them.  But the dogs are the only beings with me every day.

I know this is scattered.   My life is scattered.  My body is scattered.  And I need some peace and hope that feels like it’s never going to come.   Applying for the MMJ card was a last resort.   I just want to feel enough relief to make the thought of being alive in 10 years sound like something positive.   I really am grateful for a lot.  This post doesn’t sound like it, but I am.  I know that I have a lot to be thankful for… I’m just so ready for my body to be part of that.

Shelby and Shiloh
Christmas 2017

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