The Viper and Umaibo

What is ‘umaibo’ you ask… think of a very large puffed Cheeto in various flavors (with very few being cheese), with approximately 43 calories each, about 4 1/2 inches long and an inch in diameter. They are a Japanese snack staple, and my current guilty indulgence. Emphasis on the ‘guilty’ part. Anything considered a snack is ‘bad’. I’m not allowed to consider such things.

I’m still eating the defrosted sushi as my primary food. I literally have 32 boxes, each with three servings, in my various freezers- and more on the next grocery order. Now, applesauce and yogurt have been deleted from the ‘mandatory meal’ contents, and relegated to occasional status. I’m also having some cravings for ‘normal’ foods beyond the food groups of the three that I’d been consuming to the exclusion of almost all other foods for about 2 months. The umaibo are small, calorically compact, and offer a variety of flavors that have been sorely missing for a while now. But the viper is very much opposed. So I must be punished. How is still being determined.

I’m still trying to figure out how to implement something someone who is very wise in how eating disorders work suggested I do… small amounts of food six times a day. I’m not entirely sure what small amounts means, but am wondering if I did the sushi two of the six times, and used the applesauce and yogurt for another two times- and then try to figure out what else I could eat ‘safely’ for the last two. It boggles my mind that I could deal with complex patients as an RN, but figuring out food is like following a recipe in Sanskrit- and I’m fluent in Martian; not even on the same planet. I know I need to include another protein source (the sushi is minimal, so the Greek yogurt is the only real protein item), and maybe some olives? I need some ‘good’ fat, and some sodium wouldn’t kill me- I’m WAY below the daily recommended amount, even for a restricted sodium ‘diet’. Those would break the amount of calories allowed, so I don’t know what to do. I’ve toyed with increasing the calorie limit to 700, but the internal assault is nothing but more torment. There’s no winning with the viper.

I’ve heard viper noises suggesting that putting protein powder in the nasogastric tube water bag could count for the other two food options, but I think that’s cheating. The viper doesn’t have as much of an issue with things in the tube, since there’s no enjoyment, flavor, or actual eating involved. It’d be a lot easier, but as it is, the water alone is working just fine. At some point, I’m going to have to eat food, unless this is it, and I’m just going to ride this out to my end. But I don’t want to just bail on this. It sucks big time. I’m infuriated with myself for not seeing this coming, or at least seeing it sooner so that it didn’t get a grip on me that is feeling like my input on any of it is a joke. I feel cornered, and like a hostage. Normally, I’m a fighter- I’ve survived a lot, either eating disorders, cancer, the rape, many, many blood clots in my lungs, low blood pressures that I never saw in anybody not actively dying, etc. I never gave up on any of those. But I’m tired, and while I don’t want to just give up, I’m exhausted. I’m sleeping a lot more now, though it’s interrupted sleep. Nothing solid, without waking up multiple times a night. It’s less than restorative.

So, the umaibo. What to do with the umaibo. My ‘normal’ mind says to keep it around, and allow myself to have one now and then. The viper says it must be destroyed- not just thrown away, but crushed in the packages so there’s nothing appealing about them, and then immediately put in the garbage bin. It’s always got to be about irreparable damage. There’s no middle ground. No negotiating that means anything. The ‘bad’ has to be annihilated. But I know that in the past, anything edible becomes fodder for annihilation. Where does it end? Do I survive this time?

Published by JillinoisRN

A disabled RN who is still trying to find ways to help people. I've got a lot of interests, and a lot of things I'd like to convey to people.... whether they want to 'hear' them remains to be seen :)

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