About JillinoisRN

A disabled RN who is still trying to find ways to help people. I've got a lot of interests, and a lot of things I'd like to convey to people.... whether they want to 'hear' them remains to be seen :)

Frustration with Child Sponsorship Organization

Don’t get me wrong, I love sponsoring the FIVE kids I have, and the organization that I’ve used has been good- though I’ve been getting several high-pressured emails about sponsoring more kids when I had to give 3 back not that long ago. It gutted me. Whenever they send them, it’s like what I do isn’t enough for them. THE reason I chose them was because they encourage having a relationship with the kids- not just a couple of letters a year, but as many as each person wants to write. It’s a Christian organization, but low-pressure on the kids. Writing about Christ is encouraged, obviously, but the kids get help no matter what.

I love the kids I sponsor. They have been blessings in my life, including the three I had to ‘give back’. It was a financial situation that isn’t going to get any better, so their offers of temporary sponsor assistance is just prolonging the inevitable. It’s a good place (or had been). I’m exhausted- haven’t slept all night from this. I feel used. And yet, I want to keep the kids I have, and have some fear of having them taken from me, and put back up on the sponsors needed list. I had done my budget with advice from my financial advisor over general stuff; along with some other changes, I had to stop sponsoring eight kids, and cut back to five. It feels really awful that five isn’t enough, and that i keep getting these emails to the tune of 3 in seven days. That’s a really horrible number of emails about something that I’ve already discussed my situation with someone (phone and SAVED emails). I’m on disability, with a disability income, a long term disability policy from the last place I worked that ends in 5 years, so I have to really buckle down since my needs will only increase, and the stock market dump with COVID-19 has really left its mark.

This is the verbatim copy of the first part of the third email they sent in 7 days, and got when I checked my email before going to bed (or thought I was going to bed). I’ve already had contact with three people over these emails. My concern when I talked to the person about having to give the other three back was that they got sponsors soon… now I’m getting the shame-based, high-pressure tactics that is really leaving a horrible ‘taste’, and like what I’m doing isn’t enough.

Hello, 

Thank you for thinking about the needs of children in poverty during this time of turmoil. Since you were interested in sponsoring a child, I wanted to let you know about a special opportunity. This child has been waiting in our program, without a sponsor, for over 300 days. Imagine the smile on their face, after all that time, learning that they have been sponsored by YOU! You saying yes will impact this child in so many ways.

This is the email I sent back –

Dear Compassion Representative,
 
Really?   Again?  Third time in ONE week. Would it help to take this to Twitter (via blog), the blog itself (never naming the kids, of course), and Facebook, so others can see what happens when a sponsor can’t afford more kids, and the pressurized sales pitches start?    I’m doing this on a disability income, which I’m more than happy to do- I love those kids. When I said I couldn’t take more kids, I wasn’t joking.  If I could, I’d sponsor more kids.  I am not in a position to do that, and do it right. Or am I just an ATM for the kids once a month? 

I was under the impression that the goal wasn’t only financial support, but spiritual support, and having someone who cares for them give them hope and encouragement, with an emphasis on Jesus’ love for them, and the promise of eternal life for all who accept Him and pray the Sinner’s Prayer. That’s what I signed up for.   Maybe sending a letter directly to the CEO  in Colorado would be better.
 
I SPONSOR FIVE KIDS through Compassion International, and started sponsoring them in 2017- adding a couple each year,  Now, I keep getting these shame-based, high-pressure emails. I had to give 3 kids back because of financial issues a couple of months ago, and that had me in tears for several weeks. Why would such a tactic be used if I already explained (while bawling) that it wasn’t a temporary thing.  I was told by someone in the Philippines that the emails would be taken care of- and a person called me and said they’d take me off of the “this kid needs a sponsor” emails. They ALL need sponsors.  I’m sorry if five isn’t enough.
 
I really can’t sponsor more than five. I had eight, and loved having all of them- but then a lot happened. When I started sponsoring the last two kids (twins in Bangladesh) I was doing OK financially. This is NOT a temporary situation. Someone talked to me about the sponsor assistance  Is Compassion going to do that until the kids age out?  Because my financial issues aren’t going to stop for the rest of my life.  I’ve prayed about this and talked to my financial advisor.  I really am doing the best I can. I find it offensive that sponsoring five kids isn’t enough for you.
 
PLEASE- again- I’m at my maximum.   No more of the sales pitch emails. Maybe it’s better I change everything to snail mail communication.  I sent the Christmas Party money already- took care of that. I sent Jane’s birthday money a few weeks ago- so that’s taken care of.  I’ll send them individual Christmas gift money after the party is over, so they get a little extra for themselves- they’re growing like wild flowers.  I’ve got November’s monthly support money set aside in my checkbook, so that’s taken care of.  All of that comes before I get my own groceries. It always has for the three+ years I’ve been sponsoring, and I’m more than happy to do that for the five kids I have.  But you want more.  Three times in exactly 7 days.  How many letters is it going to take, just so I can know what I’m in for?
 
You have no idea what’s going on in sponsors’ lives other than the translators dealing with letters (that’s between me, my doctors, and God).  I love each of the kids I’ve got now, and keep praying for the three I had to let go; love didn’t stop when I had to stop sponsoring them.  But please, JUST STOP with the high-pressure sales pitches to sponsor more kids. I. CAN’T. TAKE. ANY. MORE. KIDS.  I know when I’m at my limit (after giving 3 back- I can’t imagine how horrible the kids felt, if it gutted me). These emails are painful to get. It was heart-wrenching to have to stop sponsoring kids I’d had for 1 and 3 years- and that is still very fresh; I wrote my final letter to those three kids in September, I think. It took me a few weeks to figure out how to say goodbye to those incredible kids.
 
Well, thanks for a night of no sleep; I’ll use it to pray for the kids, and that the right person gets the idea that the hard sell tactics aren’t going to make money magically appear.  Don’t call me. Just get me off of the high-pressure ‘sponsor a child’ email list. I’ll be contacting the main office in Colorado as well.
 
Thanks, 
“had name and sponsor number here”


I hope it reaches the right person. I love “my kids”, and hope to watch them grow up and choose a vocation or profession, as the organization helps them prepare to be financially stable- not just sponsored and turned back to the level of poverty they knew before sponsorship. I like that. I just hope that the organization doesn’t take the five kids I still have. It was bad enough having to give up three because of longterm things going on in my life. I thank God for these kids.

But I hope that the organization can do something about the emails that average every other day with another child to sponsor with high-pressure, shame-based messages. I need some sleep. I have so many ideas for writing to the kids based on age-appropriate issues they mention in their letters. I’ve got kids 8-15 years old. They are the greatest joy in my life (live alone, medically isolated, can’t leave home for anything but MD appointments, etc). These kids are who I think of when I see cute notecards or stickers online.

I thank God for them.



Want 100 Reasons to Vote For Biden That Aren’t “He’s Not Trump” ?

This comes from a public post on Facebook.
This is NOT my post.

David Ferree (from Facebook post)
September 22, 2020

I have heard from people that they want a reason to vote FOR Biden beyond that he’s not Trump. Okay, I respect that, so I went on his website, poured through his policies, and came up with 100 reasons to vote for #JoeBiden that don’t mention Trump. 

1.) $15.00 federal minimum wage

2.) Reinstate DACA – allowing new applicants to apply

3.) 12 Weeks federal paid family leave

4.) Universal Pre-Kindergarten/Childcare for ages 3 and 4

5.) Tuition free college for those with household income less than $125,000.00

6.) Allow student loans to be relieved in bankruptcy

7.) LGBTQ+ Equality Act in the first 100 days in office

8.) Rejoin the Paris Climate Accords

9.) Decriminalize cannabis use and expunge convictions

10.) Eliminate cash bail system

11.) Eliminate mandatory inimum sentences

12.) Outlaw all online firearm and munition sales

13.) Restore the voting rights act

14.) Create a new $20 billion competitive grant program to spur states to shift from incarceration to prevention.

15.) He’ll triple funding for Title I Programs

16.)  Appoint the first Black Woman to the Supreme Court of the United States

17.)  Reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA)

18.) Ensure the US achieves a 100% clean energy economy and net-zero emissions no later than 2050

19.) Protecting Biodiversity, slowing extinction rates and helping leverage natural climate solutions

20.) Develop a plan to ensure that America has the cleanest, safest and fastest rail system in the world, for both passengers and freight

21.)  Expand the safety net for survivors

22.) Confront online harassment, abuse and stalking

23.) End the rape kit backlog

24.) Address the deadly combination of guns and domestic violence

25.) Change the culture that enables domestic violence

26.) Support the diverse needs of survivors of violence against women

27.) Protect and empower immigrant women

28.) Lead the global effort to end gender-based violence

29.) End capital punishment

30.) End federal private prisons

31.) End all incarceration for drug use alone and divert individuals to drug courts and treatment

32.) Invest in public defenders’ offices to ensure defendants’ access to quality counsel

33.) Expand and use the power of the US Justice Department to address systemic misconduct in police departments and prosecutors’ offices

34.) Reform qualified immunity for officers

35.) Ban choke-holds/neck restraints by police

36.) Launch a national police oversight commission

37.) Stop transferring weapons of war to police force

38.) Free access to testing for all with national testing board

39.) Double drive through testing sites

40.) 100,000 contact tracing workforce

41.) Guarantee first responders have priority access to PPE

42.) Emergency paid leave for anyone who gets COVID or needs to take care of a loved one

43.) Free housing for health care workers to quarantine

44.) Ramp up large scale manufacturing of as many vaccine candidates as necessary

45.) Nationwide vaccination campaign to guarantee fair distribution

46.) Ask every American to wear a mask

47.) End the mismanagement of the asylum system, which fuels violence and chaos at the border

48.) Surge humanitarian resources to the border and foster public-private initiatives

49.) End prolonged detention and reinvest in a case management program

50.) Rescind the un-American travel and refugee bans, also referred to as “Muslim bans.”

51.) Order an immediate review of Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for vulnerable populations who cannot find safety in their countries ripped apart by violence or disaster

52.) Ensure that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and Customs and Border Protection (CBP) personnel abide by professional standards and are held accountable for inhumane treatment.

53.) Revitalize the Task Force on New Americans and boost our economy by prioritizing integration, promoting immigrant entrepreneurship, increasing access to language instruction, and promoting civil engagement.

54.) Convene a regional meeting of leaders, including from El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, and Canada, to address the factors driving migration and to propose a regional resettlement solution

55.) Raising the corporate tax rate to 28 percent.

56.) Requiring a true minimum tax on ALL foreign earnings of United States companies located overseas so that we do our part to put an end to the global race to the bottom that rewards global tax havens. This will be 21% — TWICE the rate of the Trump offshoring tax rate and will apply to all income.

57.) Imposing a tax penalty on corporations that ship jobs overseas in order to sell products back to America.

58.) Imposing a 15% minimum tax on book income so that no corporation gets away with paying no taxes.

59.) Raising the top individual income rate back to 39.6 percent.

60.) Asking those making more than $1 million to pay the same rate on investment income that they do on their wages.

61.) Tackle the crisis of Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women

62.) Ensure tribal nations will have a strong voice and role in the federal government

63.) Restore Tribal lands and safeguard natural and cultural resources

64.) Joe will dramatically increase funding for both public schools and Bureau of Indian Education schools.

65.)  Invest $70 billion in Tribal Colleges and Universities and Minority Serving Institutions.

66.) Ensure full inclusion of people with disabilities in policy development and aggressively enforce the civil rights of people with disabilities.

67.) Guarantee access to high-quality, affordable health care, including mental health care, and expand access to home and community-based services and long-term services and supports in the most integrated setting appropriate to each person’s needs and based on self-determination.

68.) Expand competitive, integrated employment opportunities for people with disabilities.

69.) Protect and strengthen economic security for people with disabilities.

70.) Ensure that students with disabilities have access to educational programs and support they need to succeed, from early interventions to post-secondary education.

71.) Expand access to accessible, integrated, and affordable housing, transportation, and assistive technologies and protect people with disabilities in emergencies.

72.) Advance global disability rights

73.)  Double the number of psychologists, guidance counselors, nurses, social workers, and other health professionals in our schools so our kids get the mental health care they need

74.) Invest in our schools to eliminate the funding gap between white and non-white districts, and rich and poor districts

75.) Improve teacher diversity

76.) Support our educators by giving them the pay and dignity they deserve.

77.) Invest in resources for our schools so students grow into physically and emotionally healthy adults, and educators can focus on teaching.

78.) Ensure that no child’s future is determined by their zip code, parents’ income, race, or disability.

79.) Provide every middle and high school student a path to a successful career.

80.) Start investing in our children at birth.

81.) Double funding for the State Small Business Credit Initiative.

82.) Expand the New Markets Tax Credit, make the program permanent, and double Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFI) funding

83.) Improve and expand the Small Business Administration programs that most effectively support African American-owned businesses.

84.) Increase funding for the Minority Business Development Agency budget.

85.) Make sure economic relief because of COVID-19 reaches the African American businesses that need it most

86.) Reserve half of all the new PPP funds for small businesses with 50 employees or less

87.) Help families buy their first homes and build wealth by creating a new refundable, advanceable tax credit of up to $15,000

88.) Protect homeowners and renters from abusive lenders and landlords through a new Homeowner and Renter Bill of Rights.

89.) Establishing a $100 billion Affordable Housing Fund to construct and upgrade affordable housing

90.) Fully implement Congressman Clyburn’s 10-20-30 Plan to help all individuals living in persistently impoverished communities

91.) Expand access to $100 billion in low-interest business loans by funding state, local, tribal, and non-profit lending programs in Latino communities and other communities of color and strengthening Community Development Financial Institutions (CDFIs

92.) Expand broadband access to every American.

93.) Protect and build on the Affordable Care Act to improve access to quality health care in rural communities.

94.) Expand access to high-quality education in rural schools.

95.) Transform our crumbling transportation infrastructure – including roads and bridges, rail, aviation, ports, and inland waterways.

96.) Expand bio-based manufacturing to bring cutting-edge manufacturing jobs back to rural America.

97.) Strengthen antitrust enforcement

98.) Introduce a constitutional amendment to entirely eliminate private dollars from our federal elections

99.) End dark money groups

100.) Ban corporate PAC contributions to candidates, and prohibit lobbyist contributions to those who they lobby.

 

Identity Theft, Scam Calls, and Online Creeps… All Just Names for Thieves

This actually started out as a reply to a post on Facebook. And it got pretty long, so here it is ! Unfortunately, I’ve had personal info and credit cards stolen online several times. I’ve become rather bitchy if I get a phone call, and I don’t recognize the caller ID. Even my Samsung Tracfone had some issue (don’t know what happened, but my phone number was erased from the SIM card- could have been something totally unrelated to ID theft, but who knows?). 

I’ve had my credit cards hacked more times than I can count. I started out relatively trusting many years ago, but it didn’t take long to become a snarky b…… big mouth. I didn’t have personal experience with all of this, but it’s related, and a lot of it is from personal experience.

Don’t say “Yes” to ANY question on the phone from someone you don’t know– don’t even say the word ‘yes’…the thieves can take that part of a conversation, and patch it into anything they want, charging your accounts & saying you gave consent. Even if folks have accounts with someone who calls (or says it’s from a company you have business with), get their first and last name, then call the number back that is on the invoices or websites that you already have- ask if someone from their company has tried to contact you. If they hang up, get the phone number from your call history, and write it down to do a reverse phone look up (more on that in a minute).  Report scam and robocalls to the FCC- their form is long, but easy.  They won’t answer individually, but the information helps them with patterns and investigations.     https://consumercomplaints.fcc.gov/hc/en-us
It’s a lot easier to apologize to someone legit than clean up the mess from the thieves.  If I don’t recognize a number or the caller ID is vague, I answer with a very harsh “What?”. People who end up being legit have been very understanding when I tell them that I’ve had ID theft issues.  Just apologize nicely, and from my experience, I get a lot of “Hey, I know what you mean. No problem.”
Set up alerts on any accounts where you can lose money– bank/debit card/credit cards/etc. I keep mine fairly low ($50 or so), so I’m alerted to charges before they become shopping sprees. I had 2 tickets to Abu Dhabi ($1200 or some such number) blocked by my bank at the time- who then called me to ask if I was going on a trip- they didn’t have any alerts at the time, but recognized my patterns. The crooks can be calling from anywhere even with YOUR local area code on the caller ID, and shop with your cards anywhere in the world.

Sometimes you have to do a little bit of ‘profiling’ if you don’t initiate a call. This isn’t to be mean- it’s because it’s necessary to avoid having your identity jacked.  If someone is on the line with a distinctive “not originally from here” accent, and YOU initiated the call, relax.   Part of the amazing part about the US is that we are a melting pot of different ethnicities and cultures. It makes this country richer by the diversity we have.  If you get someone who calls YOU, and seems to have a failing grade in “English as a fifth language”, claiming to be collecting donations for desperately poor kids in Beverly Hills, just hang up. They could be calling from some outpost in Mongolia. I hate being guarded, but I’ve got no sympathy for thieves- I’m sure Beverly Hills will be fine. The folks who call from “offshore” locations are just trying to make a living, but they’re also thieves in how they do it.

If you get any indication of a country outside of the US being the source of the call (reverse phone call look-up can help), and want to make a donation, I strongly suggest Compassion International. You can sponsor a kid, or do a one time gift.  I’ve got sponsor kids in Bolivia, the Philippines, Ghana, Tanzania, and Thailand.  By helping them get out of poverty, they won’t end up in call centers or as sex slaves.  It’s a legit way to help those in countries with high rates of poverty- it’s a hand up for a child, and in turn his or her family. The organization helps them as kids, and through trade schools, or college. Compassion International has very good ratings on Charity Navigator (another great resource). OK, PSA complete. 

Another clue- you get a phone call, and they ask for your phone number. Their computer just happened to connect your sequence of numbers – pure ‘luck’ for them. Don’t give them the number- it’s another form of ID.  If you get tenacious jerks calling, get an old school gym whistle if you see the number on the caller ID, and answer with that. I had one scam caller call every 45-60 minutes for 12 hours/day.  If I’m in a particularly snarky mood and happen to answer the call (normally I don’t), I’ll call them on it with a “you called me- you had my number when the phone was ringing”. Or, just say “amateurs” loudly enough to hear AS I’m hanging up. If you can block numbers, do that.  I have a landline call blocker (yes, some people have landlines), and it’s great- and programmed with 5000 known scam numbers- and you can add more by scrolling through numbers and simply clicking a big red button.  Also get all phone numbers on the ‘Do Not Call’ list- it’s not %100, but it helps.
If someone says your kid/grandkid/friend/vet’s hairdresser, or whoever needs help, hang up and call the number you have for the person you know. Do NOT just redial the number that contacted you. Redialing is another way to get and keep your phone number.
If ANY charity calls and wants donations, don’t do it on the phone. Call your local chapter’s office (including law enforcement and fire- but use non-emergency number) to see if they are soliciting… the online thieves and phone bandits use ANY name- including very well known ones. I also don’t talk to charities for first responders. That sounds cold, but thieves know how to pull at emotions. If you want to make a donation to the police/fire/EMTs, just call the city’s office for whoever, and ask how to do that. NEVER over the phone if you didn’t make the call.
Do reverse phone look-ups on unknown numbers. I’ve found southern California to be a minefield of scam callers, but they’re all over the country, as well as out of the country. It is easy for them to put YOUR area code in their caller ID.  DO NOT PAY for reverse phone look ups. Just put the number in you want to find instead of a name, business, or whatever. Hit enter, and wait. There are sites with ‘reviews’ of phone numbers. And some will give you the name of the person calling.  Sometimes it’s a stolen number, so don’t call back and yell at the person- they might not know their number has been jacked.  Medical offices often have vague caller IDs for patient privacy. They understand online shenanigans as well, and a simple apology is easy enough.
Don’t talk to anybody who claims to be from a computer problem fixer company, credit card, or bank. Just hang up. If you don’t initiate a call that requires payment information, it’s not worth it to expose more of your info. You can call your credit card and bank with the phone number you know is really theirs.
The IRS will never call you about any problems. They still use USPS.
IF your American Express card gets hacked, they’ll send you a new card that has all the same numbers as the stolen card EXCEPT the last 4 numbers- which are the only ones seen on invoices/statements- it fixes nothing, and might slow the thieves down for a couple of weeks (personal experience w/this and AmEx; took 4 or 5 new numbers before someone at the company told me that I had to ASK for LOGICAL changes to a stolen card). YOU HAVE TO ASK them for an entirely new card number PLUS blocking any/all other AmEx cards- they’re still usable even with the NEW last 4 numbers !!! The excuse? To avoid hassles with subscriptions or regular charges. Like getting a new card and cancelling a bunch of stuff isn’t a hassle. I told them that I’ll decide what’s a hassle to me. I recently paid them off and closed the account. My other card company (now with a zero balance, so anything fishy shows up immediately) had more sense.

I had a $1500 pair of butt ugly Louis Vuitton shoes show up at my door- which creeped me out. They had my AmEx and my address. I called the sheriff on that one. I felt like I’d been mailed evidence !   He said that online shopping sites with fast delivery had been a problem in town at the time. He reassured me that the ability to get very far with my stolen e-mail address (more on that coming) was minimal.  But, scanning the bar codes during delivery can bring up some information, and of course, they have the address on the package.

I now reload a gift card every month, and don’t use my debit card for anything except for the gift card- then delete the debit card until the next month on different days of the month. Once it clears my bank and the card is reloaded, the debit card isn’t visible or connected to my shopping account.  IF you prefer Walmart, you can get their Visa gift cards, but it’s a little tricker to get your full card’s worth out of them since some places won’t take more than one card for a single purchase- if you get $50 cards, and have a $85 total to pay for the stuff you want, you might lose out on the “change” from 2 $50 IF the store will take two cards for one purchase.

And a huge risk- DON’T GIVE YOUR E-MAIL TO ANYONE who you don’t initiate contact with, or know personally. It’s like giving up the keys to the backdoor of EVERY ACCOUNT YOU HAVE, whether you pay bills online or not. My e-mail was stolen (another risk- I didn’t give it to someone on the phone) and SOLD ON THE DARK WEB. That’s were pedophiles, sex traffickers and other creeps who can’t risk being found on the known internet sites live. Changing e-mails is incredibly annoying. And your old one is still circulating.  Make hard copies of anything you don’t want others to have, and minimize things you keep in files. Technology has been a good thing in many ways, and created many ways for thieves to run rampant.  You can get ID theft protection services, but I haven’t found them to be that helpful. One of the big names completely missed the Louis Vuitton shoes that were purchased online in a state far from where I live. 

It’s a pain in the butt to deal with these remorseless jerks, and the havoc they cause. Whether it’s some other country’s poor folks just trying to make a living (by assuming all Americans are rich- HA!), or a ring of ID theft thieves, it’s still criminal.  You’ve got to keep yourself safe. Nobody else will.

So You Think That Bars Being Open Is More Important Than Following CDC Guidelines

I’m thinking about Texas since I lived there for 17 years, but goes for any state with morons.  So, you know, everywhere…  I worked as an RN in Austin, a town in The Hill Country, and know people all over the state.  But the principles are the same.

Has all of this COVID-19 stuff been a big wet rag on life as you knew it?   Probably. Are you too young to know that when you’re actually grown, a year is nothing? Likely.  It’s one set of holidays and work weeks (if you’re not still living in your parents’ basement).  Are you old enough to know that this isn’t how you want life to be?  Yup. But here’s the thing… if you don’t follow the guidelines, the only thing in your future that people will think of is your funeral. And they’ll talk about how you wasted your life over a mask. A 50cent mask.  That’s the price you put on your own life. I’d have said at least a buck.

Do you know what happens when someone is sick in a hospital whose capacity has been exploded beyond what they can deal with like they normally would?  If you’re lucky, you get a new oxygen mask/cannula every week like normal- but with shortages, you may have the same snotty one for many weeks. Someone will pick the boogers out now and then with a needle.  If you end up on a ventilator (vent, from here on out), you will be knocked out. You won’t have a clue- until they run out of the medications used to make being on a vent tolerable (vents hurt, and the more pressure needed as your lungs stiffen up from damage caused by COVID-19,  the more it hurts- so you are knocked out for comfort reasons).  Then you’ll have a big clue- because you will be tied to the bed so you can’t remove the tube going down your throat  into your ratty, stiff lungs. You’ll know everything that’s going on, and each time the vent gives you a breath, you will want to scream.  But that can’t happen when there’s a tube between your vocal cords. You won’t have any family or friends around during this, unless they’re dying in the next bed- and they’re no good to you then.  The patients in this video are so quiet- because they don’t have the the ability to get a good enough breath to speak…

SO, are ya having fun yet?   Excruciating pain, tied to the bed, with a tube the size of your little finger ramming air every 3 seconds or so, into your restricted lungs ?  Sounds like a party to me!   You’ll have a catheter going into your bladder to drain urine (which, if you’re not familiar with catheters, is put in the same hole you’re used to urine coming out of), until your kidneys fail- and then dialysis until it quits working, after which you’ll die over a week or two max. It won’t be fast, but long enough to wish every second that you’d made different choices since they ran out of the good drugs a week before you started circling the drain. . You’ll also feel every time they have to stick a needle into your wrist, so they can see if you have enough oxygen in your blood- not just the little painless oxygen saturation monitor. You. Will. Hurt. Like. Hell.    But, go ahead, make plans to be in close proximity to those not wearing masks- and you could bring it home to your family.  Any one of those you’re eager to get rid of?  No guarantee the ones you like won’t get it instead.  And no guarantee the refrigerated truck will have enough juice to keep all of the bodies cool enough to get to the funeral home, who only has time to stick you in a box and put you in a public grave- to be sorted out later.  The bodies are piling up too fast for proper identification by family, and families aren’t allowed in the trucks.  SO, you end up in a mass grave. Until someone fishes your soggy boxed body out of the dirt in several months. Think this is too dramatic?  These guys got the only trucks they could find- unrefrigerated.  They did the best they could.  And you could end up in a truck like this… your body decomposing so that fluids drip out of the truck.

Maybe you could ask the state to let you hang out in one place to drink and party.  Those ICE Detention Centers should be empty soon. In theory, they could be used for people who don’t think the rules should apply to them.   Cages sound appropriate for you. Here’s the thing, though.  Nobody leaves until everybody tests negative, which doesn’t start until after the initial 14 day quarantine. If you get sick during the time nobody can leave, you get no care at  all (which is fair no matter where you are- why should the ones bucking the guidelines who get sick get the last vent over someone who has followed every CDC guideline, and was made sick by a jerk like you?).  If you get sick in the detention center, you might skate through with something that feels like a bad flu- or you could end up dying after days of gasping for air.  Your body will begin to decompose, and the smell of putrification will sting the nose of anybody still alert enough to notice.  It will be like a hot August afternoon on a Texas backroad where 3 adult deer were hit by a truck three days earlier. Times however many people have croaked at the center who are also rotting.

Maybe you’re one of those ‘spiritual’ sorts who gets wasted on Friday night, so the hangover is gone by Sunday morning and you can pass muster at church- which is also blowing off public health.  I’m a Christian; I grew up in a church I loved going to several times a week. If your faith isn’t strong enough to go without being in a particular building once a week (minimum), then the virus guidelines aren’t the biggest issue in your church career.  Church isn’t a building. It’s the people in it. You can come up with some creative ways to worship and still live. Is ‘fellowship’ important?  Yup. But would God give you a  brain to understand scientists who study the things He created?  I think He’d be mortified He gave you a brain at all.

What about what happens after you test negative?  Well, the full story isn’t really known since this isn’t a virus anybody has seen before all of this started.  Lung damage is likely from what is known. And more is coming out about brain damage. That could mean seizures (so medication and no booze for the rest of your life), or worse- as in staring off into space, wearing diapers that your friend from high school that you hated is changing, because she went to nursing school while you were boozing it up at the bar during a pandemic.  Sound fun?  Your petty dislike of that high school adversary changing your drawers, wiping crap off of your butt, and then putting moisture barrier cream on your nether regions , to prevent you from getting DIAPER RASH?  At age 21 ?    Your. Life. Will. Be. Over. As. You. Know. It.

Or, you could wear the mask for however long it takes to protect yourself, AND those around you, and live long enough to celebrate at the bar when the virus is less of a risk than falling off of the barstool.  If you’re still wanting to do what you want when you want (because you’re a selfish brat that acts like you’re still 3 years old), then you could speed things up and go sit in a low-water crossing during a gully-washer.  None of those who drown thought it would happen to them, either- and how many of you (in TX for sure) know someone, or know someone who knew someone who was swept away during a flash flood?   People will still talk about how stupid you were at your funeral (if they find your body), but at least there will be people you didn’t contaminate, still alive, to pay their respects.

Grow up – or become the poster child for birth control.

What happens to a body when the morgues and funeral homes are overrun? Search for “Farm of Rotting Bodies in Tennessee”.   Warning – it’s very graphic.

 

Why “Black Lives Matter” Is Important To ALL of Us

This was a  reply to another white poster on a FB page talking about ONLY expressing all love and peace to folks honoring the girl who took the video that gave ALL of us a window into the murder.  NO consideration for the justified anger and fear.
My reply:

    • We are white- we have no frame of reference for the generational oppression of African Americans... starting life behind the white kid born the same day, and having education, social, criminal justice, and employment systems all set out to keep black people in dependent roles or incarcerated. Do some get out of it? Yeah- but for the most part, from my understanding, that is extremely difficult.

      Watch “13th” and “When They See Us”. Watch “Selma”- whose primary issue is the RIGHT to vote for black Americans. Learn about ALEC- and look at the companies in it- it’s horrific. Laws are being made by people we don’t vote in, but by company executives and their Congressional buddies. Not what constituents want. If more people knew about ALEC and voted with their wallets, it would help.  Look up “Say Their Names”.

      Wouldn’t you be terrified if every time you left home, you knew you could get killed because you didn’t dim your bright car lights when you passed a cop car? Wouldn’t you be angry (and have it come out as hate) when WHITE people bought your ancestors like they bought and used a bag of flour? Those slave ships weren’t made by Carnival Cruises. The kidnapped slaves were chained together in horrible conditions, including having to endure the decomposition of those who died en route (who weren’t thrown overboard) with oozing bodily fluids and stench running against your legs? Can you even begin to understand that level of fear?  You and I don’t have the same generational history of being treated like we don’t matter. Ignorance has contributed to black oppression, and that can only be dealt with by whites,  whose ancestors thought owning humans was OK 400 years ago. The ignorance must stop.

      I’m adopted, and in looking up my biological family, I found out that I had ancestors who owned slaves. I bawled my eyes out, because the generations after them (and especially the last 2-3 generations) have been so pro-equality for all races. One of my great aunts refused to sit at “white” lunch counters. I’m so proud of her for standing up in the early 60s, and when I met her, she was very instrumental in opening my eyes. It hurts my heart to know that my ancestors thought it was OK to own people. All I can do is get educated, and stand on the side of what’s right- everybody deserves the same chance to succeed. And right now, we focus on Black Lives- as the majority of the police brutality is directed there. Black lives have been brutalized for centuries. That alone is enough for anger- but to be killed because the criminal justice system is rigged against black Americans?  How does this still happen?  WHY do we allow it to keep happening?  That’s on us.  Had it not been for Darnella Frazier’s video of the actual murder of George Floyd, the absolute ‘in your face’ mentality of the cop kneeling on Mr. Floyd’s neck, and the other two not stopping him wouldn’t have had the power it has had. We. Watched. A. Murder. Eight minutes and 46 seconds is plenty of time to change course- and nobody did. The bystanders tried, and were threatened.

      What if your spouse/ significant other POSSIBLY had a counterfeit $20 and your spouse/SO was killed because of it? Trying to breathe for almost 9 minutes?    ( I haven’t heard that the counterfeit bill was even confirmed. ANY of us could have one in our wallets – that’s why they use those pens to check paper money)   Mr. Floyd was begging for his Mama. We saw the life drain from him. What if that was something that the white community had happen? There would be all sorts of mayhem going on. And it wouldn’t be peaceful.   I know I’d have a period of time of intense rage that could very much seem like hate. And as much as I try not to hate, I’m sure I’d have periods of that, probably for the rest of my life. Why didn’t those cops just talk to Mr. Floyd? At best it was a misdemeanor that a white person would have been asked about, and sent home. Mr. Floyd was worth $20 to those cops. They could have let things chill, then go to the house, and have a chat.

      The protests in my community have been mixed groups, organized by some extremely smart young black folks. Black, white, Asian, Hispanic- all walking together. They have kept the police in the loop, who have tweeted their location so motorists can avoid the area to keep the protestors safe…. nobody hating anybody.  The police are protecting the protesters. When an intersection the protestors wanted to sit down in was too dangerous because it is a main road to the nearby hospital, the protestors found a different plan that worked out, and the police made sure they were safe.

      This latest round of black folks killed by white police is so fresh, and before we adjust to hearing another victim’s name, there’s another one, and another one.  And it feeds into the generational history of essentially being hunted down and killed, or owned. There are too many who have died senselessly for the anger to be soothed. Sweeping reforms in so many systems in the US must change to give everybody an equal footing from the start. The 400 years of being “owned” doesn’t lend itself well to trust just because we WISH things were different- we have to vote for politicians who will fight for equality that should have been taken care of with the Emancipation Proclamation, 13th Amendment, 14th Amendment, Civil Rights Act of 1964, and the 15th Amendment that was shown in Georgia THIS WEEK as being rigged towards whites. And again in Kentucky.  COVID-19, my ass… mail in ballots would make it fair for everyone.  Ever think what the real reason might be?  It’s another way to make it harder for persons of color to vote.

      We can pray for our lawmakers to do what is right. We can pray that the people who can make a difference for the longterm get it right. We can pray for our enemies- but we can also own our feelings. God gave them to us. We can show love- but to expect “love and peace” right now from African American citizens is pushing it imho. WE should all be outraged and fighting WITH them. We are in this together- but as whites, we have luxuries that blacks don’t have.  We don’t have to prove we’re innocent because we exist. We don’t get targeted for “suspicious behavior” (at least not without some blatant actions; a black guy just has to be there). It shouldn’t be harder for a black person to survive an encounter with police. White privilege isn’t about money or social standing. It’s about not being seen as guilty until proven innocent. It’s about being able to walk into a convenience store without the clerk looking to see where the gun is.  It’s about being given chances that we don’t earn, we just get them more easily.  That makes me ashamed.  I don’t want something that a black counterpart is ignored over.

      I’ve forgiven the guy who attacked me in 1987 (scrawny white guy), but I’m never going to be in the same room with him. I do parole protests every 3 years to get him to the 60 year sentence he changed his plea mid-trial to accept. But I’m not going to love him. I can forgive out of obedience to God. I can pray Numbnuts changes. I can pray he never hurts anyone else- but I certainly don’t trust him. I can wish him some sort of change that makes his life one that had purpose besides a lifetime of crime-literally from childhood, but that’s up to him. Imagine if ALL of my ancestors (who could be found) had been through the same thing. Would I trust scrawny white folks? The police were good to me (they found the guy in my bedroom, so not much guess work with blood on the walls and floor and table). But that’s not what is expected by the black community- they’ve seen too many of their own lying dead. That would make me fearful. And I just went through 6 hours of hell… imagine if it was an entire lifetime, with all who came before me on slave ships having had it exponentially worse? Just for being black. Just some  more melanin cells than white people. Those extra melanin cells are a protective mechanism that reduces the risk of skin cancer.  Melanin blocks UV light.  Some extra skin cells… that’s the ‘crime’.  It’s outrageously ridiculous to judge someone for how their skin is made. And yet that is the reality for black America.  

      Trust is going to be understandably difficult. The way we help with that is to vote and speak up for those who could be injured (or worse) for doing so. It’s also by listening and getting educated on the way slaves were treated, and the similarities to the treatment of people of color now. We learn about the REAL history of black America. Without them, America doesn’t exist. The financial infrastructure of early America was literally built off the backs of slaves. Without them, we’d never have made it to the Industrial Revolution.  Our white history books are a joke.  No more lip service.  We need to stand with our HUMAN brothers and sisters, and SHOW them we care. We can’t learn too much. Because too much is still not enough. Healing is going to take time. And it’s not up to white people to decide when enough is enough. We lost that right when the first slave was paid for.

      I haven’t heard one Black Lives Matter supporter say they want more than white Americans.  They just want the same chances. They want to be treated fairly. They want the same social, educational, employment, and criminal justice standards as their white counterparts.  They want to be seen as being valuable  and not guilty before any crime happens.  And if there is a crime committed and convicted, the same prison sentences as whites. Not a life sentence for mere marijuana possession – no distribution, no selling to kids… just having the stuff.

      Just mho. ❤️ I’m sorry it got so long- but this is a topic that demands our willingness to read and watch all we can to get SOME clue of the systemic racism that IS still a big problem in this country. We all belong. It’s way past time we treat people of color like they belong. I will never understand being black in America.  But I can have compassion, and do my best to hear what is said or understand what is written. And for the sake of all that is true, don’t say that the US isn’t plagued by systemic racism.

My White Experience With Police

I believe that most cops have integrity and restraint. I also believe there are some really, really bad folks who become cops.  And yes, I’m white. I’ve seen cops first hand, when I was raped (by a scrawny white guy with a big knife) and at least 10 police cars showed up, along with the press and a helicopter from the trauma center. Most of the officers stayed outside, guns drawn, aiming at my balcony. I was in the apartment directly under mine, with neighbors I’d met 2 days earlier, as I’d just moved in 10 days before the rape. The Sgt who ended up shooting the guy (I refer to him as Numbnuts- does he really need a human name?)  in my bedroom went through hell for the shooting- which was a good shooting. Another cop had cuffed one of Numbnuts  hands as he was dozing in my bed. Then Numbnuts sprang out of bed and beat up the first cop- a rookie, who then got tossed out of the apartment. The racket heard from my neighbors’ apartment was horrible- bodies hitting the ground, shelves knocked over, stuff breaking.

Now, there was a wounded COP, and myself as ‘victims’ when the Sgt who shot Numbnuts got there. He didn’t know I was already downstairs, so was on full “protect and serve” mode when he entered the apartment. He was trying to find me.

Numbnuts lunged at him with the cuffs swinging, and all that was visible to Sgt  was a blur of metal coming from the hand of the rapist. He shot him thinking he was going to be shot. Sgt  had to go through target practice and administrative leave (standard procedure) and got grief for not waiting for the SWAT team. He also got grief for not killing Numbnuts, but he was shooting a moving target. The bedroom wasn’t huge. but Numbnuts was all over the place. There was maybe 6 feet between Sgt  and Numbnuts. He did the right thing, even though Numbnuts didn’t have a gun. He’d already beat up another cop. There was no reason to expect him not to attack. He’d been going at me for six hours. And there was a blur of metal.

I was able to reconnect with that Sgt a few times. He sat with me in the hall during the trial- both of us smoking under a “No Smoking” sign (I figured I’d just say “I’m with him.” if anybody said anything. Nobody did.). He was my ‘guard’ as I waiting to testify, and he also was on the list to testify, but after I spent a couple of hours on the stand, Numbnuts changed his plea during the lunch break. Then I saw Sgt again when he was a patient where I worked, dealing with an injury from target practice (the target jerked his neck hard when the wind blew up strongly as he was carrying it back to wherever they keep cardboard bad guys). When I went into his room to say hello, I said “you might not remember me, but..” and before I could finish, he was on his feet hugging me, saying “I’ll never forget you.”, through tears.  And he didn’t. He told me that he was often awake at night thinking about that day.

I ended up working with one of Sgt’s relative’s wife, and sent him a note through her husband to thank him. He was my hero in Jan 1987. When I moved back to my home state, I was able to find him again online, and he e-mailed me how that day was from his side. He didn’t take that shooting lightly. He didn’t know where I was, or if I was hurt/dying in the apartment. He shot when he saw blurred metal coming up towards him. Nothing but a seconds, if that, to make a decision. He told me that people seem to think that police don’t think much about shooting someone, but that wasn’t accurate. The cops who  are good at their jobs live with those decisions for the rest of their lives-from a different perspective that isn’t talked about.  And those are the “good” shootings.  Not the ones that make the news because of racial bias.

He had PTSD-like symptoms from that shooting, and initially was not treated that well by some of his co-workers, for not waiting for SWAT. He made a judgement call to find me. Things got better before he retired. He died last year after years of dealing with a brain tumor and other medical issues. We e-mailed on and off- and I always knew I could e-mail him, as we were the only two who knew what went on during all of that morning.

As soon as I knew Numbnuts was shot, I just spaced out, and was focused on what was going to go on at the hospital with the rape exam/test kit, as well as figuring out where to stay. I could have stayed with my aunt and uncle, no question. But I wanted to be closer to my apartment, since I had to leave with nothing but the robe and slippers my 5-foot nothing, 90 pound neighbor put over the towel I had when I escaped barefoot. I needed to be able to get to my apartment quickly, with the police, to get belongings the next day, after the crime scene people were done. I was able to stay with a co-worker about a mile from my apartment, and she went with me to the police station to finish the statement (7 typed pages over 2 days of giving the police information about what happened), and to the apartment where we met the police (who had to unseal the crime scene tape from the door- and they had my keys).  I found fingerprint dust, a lot of blood in the bedroom, smudged bloody handprints on the walls, my blood in various places, and the blown out sliding glass door in the bedroom (that the apartment complex wanted me to pay for; I was told to tell them that their insurance should cover it- and that I wasn’t in the apartment when the damage happened). I was still ‘shocky’, but was able to get my purse, car, and some clothes to get me through the week, so I could sort out where I was going to live- I couldn’t go back to that apartment.

 

I know that there are way too many documented stories about ‘bad cops’.  Every one of the police I dealt with that day, from the first guys on the scene to the detectives who worked Sex Crimes treated me well.  I had a lot of things that worked in my favor- like the guy being in my bed when the first cop got there. Everything that I told the police was backed up by blood stains (mine) in the apartment, as well as the bruises that showed up on my face and jaw, the hole in my lip where my teeth went through it, and the injuries noted during the rape exam. As a nurse, I’ve talked with police when they needed to talk to  patients. I couldn’t tell them anything other than “yes, it’s OK to knock and see if they want to talk”. And yes, I’m white. This all happened in 1987, when we didn’t have 24/7 news, so many things weren’t known by anybody outside of a specific area. Now we know a lot more.

For those who have had negative associations of police, I’m so sorry that it turned out that way in your situation.  I’m sorry if you’ve lost a family member or friend because of a cop that wasn’t following procedure and caused injury (physical or emotional) or death. I’m sorry if you’ve been targeted because of your race. I don’t know how you feel– but I have seen footage, and am incredibly sad and angry about what I’ve seen.  I’m angry about the kids left behind without a parent or other family member. I’m horrified that we’re not further along in seeing all  people in our country as worthy of our compassion, especially after so many years of oppression (yes, I believe this country is racist). It’s been 401 years since the first slave ship came to the US ( 1619, landing in Point Comfort, in what would become Virginia; the 20 slaves had been kidnapped by the Portuguese and transported by them).  I have found various “first slave ship” info – so if someone wants to comment about others, please feel free to do so.   The Emancipation Proclamation was signed on January 1, 1863… 157 years since slavery was abolished and we need to do so much better.  White folks in general need to listen, not assume. We need to address the disparity in the criminal justice system.  We need to look out for each other. We need to do a lot of things.  And we need to remember that people need to have police that respect them as human beings. Many do.  But we need to do better.

But I CAN understand why many don’t see it that way.

So Much For Medical Cannabis… I’m Done With THC

I gave it a go for a little over 2 years.  I had to try it to know I’d done what I could to avoid staying on opiates, but I can’t take the increasing pain of the progressive sensory neuropathy, degenerative disc disease, degenerative joint disease, fibromyalgia, and now gout, with THC.  I’ll still take the CBD as a supplement, as it helped me to get off of one anticonvulsant completely (I’ve got a seizure disorder), and %40 of another- along with the meds to deal with the side effects.  This week, I went back to the pain management doc that I’ve seen on and off for over a decade, and got pain meds (patch), as well as an injection in my neck. I kind of feel like I failed right now, even though intellectually I know that’s not accurate.  I have to be practical, and safe.  My quality of life and ability to get anything done around the house isn’t possible with the pain. My legs shake, and I become unsteady.  There are no brownie points for needless suffering. I don’t use the word ‘suffer’ lightly, as it feels like another way to play the victim. But it’s been bad.

Something else that made trying THC something to consider is the emphasis on those who use opiates as inevitable future junkies. It’s actually far from inevitable. Studies have shown for decades that those who use prescription pain meds as ordered are very unlikely to become addicted to them. The terms tolerance and dependence aren’t explained, and everybody gets lumped together.  People who use medications AS PRESCRIBED will likely develop dependence and tolerance if they take them for a while (ever had a caffeine-withdrawl headache? Same concept.)  Those terms are not the same as addiction. Addiction is driven by emotional issues, and the individual trying to relieve emotional pain with medication for physical pain. No amount of the wrong medication for any problem will ever relieve the real issue. This explains that addiction is a combination of behaviors and substances (that can be drugs, alcohol, food, the ‘high’ from gambling, and other things that trigger positive responses in the pleasure center in the brain).

https://www.mentalhelp.net/addiction/

There are now so many restrictions on who can prescribe what meds in medical groups, that the writing was on the wall- pain medication was the new ‘evil’.  Never ask a doctor for something for pain, no matter how many documented diagnoses there are.  I felt I needed an option if the restrictions got worse. I’d like to see the statistics for the increase in heroin users after hydrocodone was made a Schedule II drug (in the class with morphine, hydromorphone, and other very strong opiates). The ‘rules’ are always made because of the behavior of rule breakers. That ‘logic’ escapes me… it’s not like the rule breakers will suddenly jump on the straight and narrow. They’ll find a new way to break rules.   The rules don’t take into account those who do what they’ve been instructed to do. Should there be good follow-up with those on prescription pain medications ?  Absolutely.  But there is no reason to make anybody “live” with pain that limits their life to the point of decreased mobility to avoid more pain even within their own home.   This article has some good explanations about the differences between tolerance, dependence, and addiction.

Distinguishing Between Pain-Related Dependence and Addiction

Some of the issues I’ve had with the THC include the following  (I realize some folks have had good results with THC- this is MY experience):

–  I can’t know if the same strain is in each bottle of the stuff I got, as  no strain of cannabis is listed on the tablets/capsules/edibles containers that I’ve used (I don’t smoke the stuff- the stench is not welcome in my house. Dry herb vaping- no solvents at all- just the dry cannabis that vaporizes, not combusts- was also not going to work because of the coughing). There are literally hundreds of strains of cannabis.  Third-party testing is on the container (required by law), but not the strain, aside from a general sativa, indica, or hybrid.   I don’t know if it’s strain-consistent from batch to batch– just the number of milligrams of ‘whatever’.  Different strains are good for different things. And some have more likelihood to cause specific side effects- can’t know what might be causing what if no strain is listed.

I live alone. Some of the effects of THC are not safe on a mobility level.  My balance goes wonky if a strain is stronger than what I’m used to, and I’m already one fall away from needing help with more than just the lawn, snow removal, and grocery delivery.  I can’t risk that. My joints are already trash. It wouldn’t take much to finish off  my shoulders, hips, or knees. Or end up with compression fractures in my spine. That means my independence is at risk, and that is something I won’t even consider. If I can’t be at home with my dog, it’s over.

–  the dryness of my eyes was horrible. I was either dripping with tears (that burned) as my body tried to protect my eyes, or using artificial tears to not feel like I’d had cotton shoved into my eyeballs. That also caused blurred vision to the point of not being able to read anything without a 10x – 30x lighted magnifying glass (some print is tiny on a good day anyway… I couldn’t see individual words. Watching TV was lousy, and the computer (my lifeline) was nearly useless. A blue light filter helped a little- but not enough.

the ‘thought stealing’ sensation was too weird.  I could be thinking about something, then it would just be gone, and it was going too fast to get back.  That is unsettling, especially because the awareness of it was acute. Even harder to carry on a conversation with another actual human being.

there isn’t a consistent time when it takes effect.  I used it mostly to help ease the pain so I could sleep. If I waited too long to turn the lights out and drift off, I got a literal body ‘buzzing’ sensation (hence the term buzzed), or floating, or like I couldn’t move.  There was a sensation in my head that something wasn’t right – not necessarily bad- but not OK.  There’s a term called ‘couch lock’- and that’s what it feels like- being locked to the furniture, almost being part of it.  There was nothing about those sensations that will ever be desirable to me.

it’s useless for acute pain.  I broke my ankle a few months after getting my medical cannabis card.  I iced it, and had it wrapped (before getting an x-ray a week later- thought it might be a sprain similar to what I’d seen with adolescent patients who landed wrong while playing basketball).  I felt guilty using some Norco from 2014.  I used 3 full doses and 3 1/2 doses in 6 weeks.  And I hurt a lot more than was necessary.  I was diagnosed with gout a couple of weeks ago after a nasty flare that was a kind of pain I hadn’t felt before- tiny crystals in the joint felt like someone was sitting on a chair into the bone on top of my foot.  One urgent care a couple of months earlier, with milder but definitely ‘not right’ pain, thought it could be a blood clot (minus warmth, redness, swelling, or any other symptoms of a clot). The second urgent care a few weeks ago had a very astute nurse practitioner who knew to check my uric acid level, which came back very high.  I was on prednisone for 5 days, which jacked my blood sugars badly, but the prednisone did the trick to help that first flare. I’d already decided not to use the THC over a month ago, so was using my trusty ice packs, and the vintage Norco in 1/2 doses x 4 over a week.

Part of another disorder I have (dysautonomia) causes some similar symptoms to the side effects of THC, and I pay good money for the meds needed to help NOT to feel those symptoms. Why would I make it worse on purpose?   That is so bizarre and counter-intuitive. I don’t want to feel even a tiny bit stoned. I took microdoses after getting the CBD dose figured out (more on that in a minute), and still had side effects that are not acceptable to me.

I can see where it could be useful for severe PTSD, where escape is the only way to get any sort of relief from memories and flashbacks. I guess it could help with anxiety IF someone finds a strain that is consistent (those who smoke cannabis can get strains consistently, or those who want to make their own edibles and don’t care about consistent dosing). But for folks who are using that type of quantity, I’d hope they were housebound, and had access to someone to drive them anywhere they needed to go.  I never took a dose if I had to drive to an appointment.  I’d just have to hurt, and take a dose after getting home.  Once I did take a dose, there was never any desire to leave home.

There are people who have had positive experiences– and initially, my psoriasis was completely cleared up. Then came the hyperemesis cannabinoid syndrome, with months of nausea and eventual vomiting. I’m not a puker- that’s what put it together for me.  During 20 months of daily chemo for leukemia, I barfed once on day 8.   Because I didn’t have accurate info from a very well known CBD producer about the specific amount of CBD (not the total cannabinoid dose), I didn’t have the THC dose right- CBD helps counteract side-effects of THC. I also had a gallstone that was acting up, and that blended into the symptoms of the build up of THC because of using it daily, and I was SICK.  (The half-life of THC is very long, with some still showing up in drug tests more than 4 weeks after the last use, and with dietary changes that alter body fat percentages, more can be released months after the last dose- used to freak out the detox patients I took care of years ago).  I went through ultrasounds, CT scans, lab work, surgical consults, a bitch of a GI nurse practitioner, etc because it was thought that there was something going on besides the gallstone. I had THC continuing to build up, and  I didn’t know the accurate dose on that one brand’s product (if you use CBD, you want to see the exact amount of CBD per specific quantity of product- and third party testing). Everybody and their wombat is on the hemp bandwagon, and  saying how wonderful hemp oil  is, but non-CBD hemp oil (like on Amazon)  has no CBD, and is good for salad dressing- and you can get plain hemp oil for about $20 for a quart; the “therapeutic” hemp oil can be $50 an OUNCE- for essentially nothing). Hemp oil does have Omega 3 fatty acids, and hemp hearts (I like the ones without the little shells) taste a lot like pine nuts, but much smaller. Those are just flat out food- nothing specifically “magical” about it. Just another healthy fat source.

I’m a disabled RN; I’ve been an RN for 35 years, disabled for 15 years, where I’ve been my own full-time job.  Anything used to relieve symptoms MUST be consistent.  And I can’t get that with commercial medical cannabis products.  Some of the CBD companies out there are isolating other cannabinoids (CBG and CBN are two I’ve tried, and CBN has been good for sleep, though I only take it if I’ve been having trouble sleeping for a few days. Some brands of full-spectrum are out there- just don’t generally get the amount of each cannabinoid, so I’m not a fan of those). I don’t need a state-issued card for CBD. I get it online. Just like any herbal supplement.

And that’s what they are.  THC and CBD are not medication- which left me confused when talking to my pain doc during my visit. When I got home, I realized he hadn’t seen the way I’d printed out my list of medications and supplements, putting the CBD in the same area with vitamins and Co-Q 10, under a line of *****, separating the medications from the supplements.  The person who filled out their form with the list I’d typed up didn’t need to keep the typed one- so I agree with my doc, but I was scratching my head for a few minutes, as it seemed like he felt I considered THC and CBD to be actual medications. I agree with him on the characterizing THC and CBD as supplements. They are not medications. People use them like medications, but there are no studies proving efficacy, side effects, contraindcations, doses, longterm impact,  etc- and that’s what those of us who have used medical cannabis signed up for.  We knew it was an experiment, but desperation will lead people to anything that could be a source of hope.

I needed to try it. I wanted the hope of something different. And now I know.  For me, THC is unpleasant, and ineffective for what I needed it for.

Dealing with Isolation That Isn’t By Choice

For some folks, this is the first time they’ve had their lives altered by forces outside of their control.  For others, nobody has ever been kind enough to tell them ‘no’ before. While it’s not physically painful, and having to be in one’s own home is the biggest loss of mobility, it can be a source of anxiety and depression.  It seems like it will never end.  For some of us, this is our normal. Medical disability has had me housebound except for MD appointments  (and earlier monthly grocery store trips, and maybe lunch with my dad once or twice a year) since 2004. I’m an RN. I’d like nothing better to be working.  But my body broke.  That’s just backstory stuff.  Here’s my point- you can get through this.  The ambiguity of when “normal” returns is unsettling, but there are things you can do to cope.  I won’t say ‘adapt’, because most of you will go back to being able to freely come and go as you wish.  ‘Adapt’ implies permanent.  ‘Cope’ deals with a temporary situation, whether it’s for a few weeks, or months.

Here are some ideas. 

Read “The Diary of Anne Frank” (again, if you’ve already read it).  It offers perspective, and also has simple things to do to cope with having to “hide away”.  It’s also a testament to resilience- and that nobody now will go to the gas chamber. Just read it.

Do your own journaling. It doesn’t have to be fancy or structured. Just write- words, sentences, phrases, doodle, or cohesive entries. It’s all good. And it will be your own history of what is going on in YOUR life. Let the despair have a voice. Let the funny things be memorialized. There is no right or wrong way to do it- just do what works for you.

Make a Coronavirus dart board. If you don’t have darts, do the old “pin the tail on the donkey” thing with push pins, safety pins, tiny nails, or whatever.  Draw your weapon of choice, put the pin in it, and go after that ugly virus. Ideas for ‘waapons’- soap, hand sanitizer, mask, vaccine, testing, sense of humor (viruses are so serious), or whatever you want to use to kill the virus.

Plan your “exit party”.  Make a list of the folks you’ve missed seeing the most, and plan a lunch, snacks and a movie, or whatever you like to do.  Get detailed. Know your budget- and aim for things that won’t break an already stressed ‘bank’.

Research online (use good sources- nothing with the credit cards they accept at the bottom of the article, or researchers you can’t find if you Google them).  Learn about the immune system (the skin is the first line of defense). Learn about medical testing procedures. Learn about anything that will help you feel less vulnerable to the unknown.  There IS a lot we don’t know with COVID-19- but you can get info on other types of disorders/diseases. Keep your brain active.

Consider the big picture. There are approx 330 million people in the US.  For the sake of simplicity, I’m going to use 1,350,000 positive cases of COVID-19 in the US for today.  That’s an overall infection rate (that we know of) of %0.004.  That’s LOW.  It will rise, and each person who gets sick is not insignificant, but statistically speaking, the rate is miniscule.  Of those who get it, %0.05 die, Yes- EVERY death is a horrible loss. But you are SO much more likely to recover. 

LISTEN to the officials who are recommending specific measures to lessen the number of additional infections. If you are too special to wear a mask or follow the guidelines, then you could kill someone just by being stubborn and selfish. Don’t let that be what you’re known for.  Nobody is asking for a kidney, or the child you like the most. Wear a mask. Stay 6 feet between other people.  Don’t be stupid.  Everybody wants the country to go back to normal.  CLUE: that won’t happen overnight. The more people who get this virus, the longer there are restrictions on  restaurants, theaters, malls, salons, stores, sports games, etc.

You are not too young to get this.  Babies and very young kids have gotten the virus and died. Do you want to live, or try to convince people how you can’t get the virus?  At your funeral, they’ll just think you were a fool who wasted your life.

Be smart, and you’re going to get through this, and resume your life. Nobody knows exactly how long all of the ‘going back to normal’ could take- could be years for some businesses. But be thankful for what you have- not what you don’t.   Learn about how the US has come through nationwide crises in the past… we were fortunate.  And the folks who navigated WWII are considered “The Greatest Generation” for very good reason.
They bucked up and did what needed doing.

-This is from The History Channel
https://www.history.com/topics/world-war-ii/us-home-front-during-world-war-ii

And, get help if you are feeling so overwhelmed that you’re often in a very dark place.
-The NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 am–6 pm, ET.
1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org

Free 24/7 support at your fingertips  US and Canada: text 741741.   UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 086 1800 280

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline    1-800-273-8255

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“The human capacity for burden is like bamboo- far more flexible than you’d ever believe at first glance.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

“It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop.”
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf

“On the other side of a storm is the strength that comes from having navigated through it. Raise your sail and begin.”
― Gregory S. Williams

What You Do IS Enough- COVID-19 Has Tied Your Hands

To all of the essential workers- 

You can only do what  you can do.

You are making a huge difference .

You are helping keep things from getting worse.

You were not given any choice in how this virus works.

You can’t control how it impacts a specific person.

Even what feels like a small kindness might be the last kindness someone knows- and THAT is huge.  

This will not last forever, but your work will. Every time you hold a hand, or wipe a tear, every time you give someone news – good or bad- the way you do that will be what someone remembers about such a horrific time.  You make the ultimate difference in the healing of a family who wasn’t able to be with their loved one.  For those who are working in non-medical areas, your work keeps those at home safe. You keep more people from getting sick.

That is one incredible legacy.    This one ratty, disabled RN would be proud to stand with you any day of the week. YOU are redefining the industry where you work.  And you are not forgotten.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your Words Matter, Lady I Knew From My Childhood Church

Written after a stunning and disturbing conversation with someone I’ve known for over 45 years.  The person I talked to that day wasn’t anybody I recognized, and it jarred me to my core. I’ve cried so much over this.  But sometimes, it’s time to wish someone well, and exit the toxicity.  I wonder how much of any of our past interactions have been masked to hide the intensity of the divisiveness.  It’s so sad.  I wrote the letter not with an intent to mail it (no point in sending something to an elderly woman with a healing husband in a nursing home (that has COVID-19) who sees nothing wrong with her views, and compares anyone with differing views as dirt on the bottom of her shoes that she wants to scrape off- there’s no reasoning with that).  Evidently I don’t have that same right to MY views as she has to hers.  I’m dirt on her shoes- not because I’m a Democrat (I’m not registered anything since mid-2016), but because I don’t tow the GOP line. She told me she doesn’t use the computer (which she’s said before), so this seemed the safest place to vent so I can sleep again.  And if she finds it, I hope it is something that gives her an idea of the weight of her words… not to be mean.

Dear W,

I hope you are well, and that H has been able to get the rehab services he needs- and has been safe.  I know this has all been so stressful. I can’t imagine the concern and sleepless nights.

Now, comes the painful part, but written in a tone of compassion and well wishes always. I’m not angry with you.  A bit stunned, and very hurt, but not angry. If I didn’t care, it wouldn’t be worth writing, even if just to blow off steam.

I will ALWAYS be SO very thankful for your friendship when I was younger.  You made a difference. I am truly grateful.  After one of our last conversations, along with one in early 2017, I am not sure I know you now. Maybe I never really did, as so much was formed on that when I was a kid.  When you said you considered Democrats to be the same as the dirt at the bottom of your shoes that you wanted to scrape off, and the 2017 reference to Mrs. Obama as the ’N’ word (I won’t use it- it’s vile and never justified in my view), I was stunned. I didn’t recognize you as someone I knew from the evangelical church I loved growing up. That was sad. It tore through my heart.  It made me question every conversation and interaction we’ve had.  How did I not know of such intense hate?

I may not like or respect Trump, but I don’t consider him to be “dirt on the bottom of my shoes”.  My specific prayer to God about Trump is “Lord, please help Trump be the president You want him to be.”.  Essentially, thy will be done.  I don’t consider him ‘dirt’, and hate takes too much energy; I have better things to do with my time. All I heard from you was what sounded like a hateful rant about something with no specifics other than a generalized view of  Democrats.  Nothing specific, just a tone of voice that was like a knife dripping with venom.  That’s not the person I grew up knowing.  And, I also thank you for that, because it’s made me more aware of my own views on a few things. And one thing is certain; I won’t initiate contact again. I won’t discuss this. It’s clear that it’s pointless.  You aren’t the only one whose blood pressure is a problem with stress. Mine can knock me unconscious. I won’t interact again with the comments I heard.  I don’t know where that came from, but it’s not from God.  I can see things I don’t respect without hate.  I don’t respect Trump, but I certainly don’t hate him.

I’m so thankful for the Bible, and the wisdom and guidance it so consistently provides.  I’m thankful that the Bible talks so much about love, and treating others with compassion and kindness. I love how it lets us know that God knows our hearts.  I love how it helps me when I feel like I’m completely alone.  I love how it is infinitely more important and stronger than humans in its influence in my life. I love how growing up at the old church shaped me;  those years were amazing, and have been the core of my being for as long as I can remember, as were my summers at camp on the staff.  

I’m not a teenager anymore, by a longshot. I have very specific reasons for my views, and base my decisions (as much as possible)  on compassion (and those who exemplify it), and mostly “as much as you’ve done to the least of my brethren, you’ve done it to Me.”.  I focus on “faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.”  I fail often in my goals of exemplifying the Fruit of the Spirit and the description of love in 1 Corinthians… but I am working on it daily. I have to focus on what God says. He’d never condone shunning people simply because of different views. HE gave us free will. Who are we to demand otherwise?  He uses all who are willing.  Face it, there were some sketchy folks He used for His purpose in the Bible. He sees our hearts.

I will always disagree about Trump’s “integrity” and I know you’ll never see any other view, so there’s no point in any discussion- and I wasn’t looking for one with a single comment that wasn’t an attack on your beliefs. And I won’t be a part of the hate towards any group of people. God created those people, too.  And what if they’re pushed away by Christians? How does that give glory to God?  I will always defend your right to your views. And I won’t be shut down with comments about your blood pressure; you’ve used that before.  If it’s that fragile, we shouldn’t speak. I don’t have any interest in  having to censor myself with someone who had been a close friend.  I guess I was expected to have your views.  When I made the very superficial, flip comment that led to that rant, I was caught off-guard with the intensity of your response- and yet it’s your view, so I have to accept that as how you truly feel. I respect your right to it. I don’t have to agree with or respect it. Or put myself in the position to be blind-sided again with the negativity of excluding anyone who thinks for themself.

I have met so many types of people as a nurse, and I am so thankful for that.  People are not simply labels or categories. They each have their own views that are not stereotypes- there are shades of gray, not just black and white. Many are surprising. Regardless, it’s not my right to judge them.  The plank in my eye is big enough to keep me busy; I don’t have time for the splinter in someone else’s. 

I’ve met Christians among the LGBTQ community. I’ve had good friends of many races. I’ve met “WASPs” who are some of the  most cold, superficial and negative people I’ve heard (often on TV).  I’ve known people who agonized over deciding to have an abortion, and felt such compassion for the magnitude of that decision. I’ve met people who I have nothing in common with who were kind and inclusive. I have family (biological & adoptive on both sides) who are mixed race, gay, and non-believers- and they have been incredible to know. I thank God for them, and the chance to be kind, and not the Christian they expect to find.  God meets people where they are… and I try to do the same, as best I can. He uses defective humans for His Divine plans… and I can only hope I am who He wants me to be, especially with my sponsor kids.  My purpose is to be used by Him… not to be a verbal punching bag for hate. 

I’ve met Christians who see love above all, and some who are basically in it for profit. I’ve met non-believers who have shown me great compassion.  I’ve known people (directly or ‘second hand’) who were pure evil.  And I’ve met one in particular who altered my life permanently when I was 23.  I’ve forgiven him. It doesn’t condone or excuse what he did, but it’s not my fight to punish him. Forgiveness is also an act of obedience. It’s the least I can do in gratitude to God for letting me survive that day. I focus on protecting others from Numbnuts every 3 years with parole protest letters- and I pray that the prison chaplain gets through to him.

I’ve met many people who were turned away from Christ by Christians.  My goal with my sponsor kids is that they see that they are loved (including the Muslim twins in Bangladesh). I am working hard to give them sound Christian support, and have gotten child and teen (boy’s and girl’s) study Bibles to use with little lessons in each letter I write to them. With that, I ask for the help of the Holy Spirit.  Kindness is free, even when the specifics aren’t clear. It costs us nothing but the desire to share it.  IF not, then the parable of the Good Samaritan was just a story, and not a lesson.

You said I only want to see “the bad”.  With the things I’ve been through, I’ve always tried to see the good, and apply Romans 8:28, because I do believe that God can make good out of anything, if we let Him.  I think that comment hurt the worst.  My greatest earthly happiness comes from people doing well, and doing kind things for others. I cry tears of joy when someone does well (I’m a mess during the Olympics, no matter who wins- their story and hard work led them to their dreams).  It’s amazing I don’t see only bad. The murders, rape, leukemia, disability and not being able to work as a nurse, and many other things would give me reason to do so.  But that’s not who I am. I wasn’t brought up to look for the bad.  But you think that of me? After 45+ years?  Then you don’t know me at all. I question everything about our ‘friendship’ with that comment. 

When one of my sponsor kids makes the drama team, my heart explodes with joy for him. When the twins start to feel comfortable asking me questions, I am so happy they feel safe to do so.  When another asks me to pray that his goats keep “reproducing well”, I’m overjoyed that he has a little ranch going (he’s 8).  When my sensitive one needs reassurance from me that I’m proud of her, my heart aches with gratitude that she is doing well.  I don’t see their ‘conditions’.  I see that God created these 8 kids with amazing potential. (Edit: sadly, I had to adjust my budget considerably, and have 5 of the kids that I still sponsor, but pray for all 8, and was assured the three I had to ‘give back’ would find sponsors- and that is my prayer). 

I don’t see conservatives or liberals. I see a country failing to see the big picture. We’re here together. Everybody has to make choices about what is worth destroying the country over. I don’t see anything worth that.  And prophetically, the US will fall. We’re on that path. And God will deal with things as He sees fit for His ultimate plans. In the meantime, I just want to be the best I can be with His help. His opinion is my beacon. HE has everything under control, even if humans have done their best to tear things apart.

I was hoping that hydroxychloroquine would be a ‘game-changer’, and it was no matter that the idea was pushed by Trump. What mattered was that it would be help to those suffering.  Like everyone, I’m so much more than my views on politics- and they vary by the issue-not the party.  Yet my non-GOP views have made me dirt on your shoes.  I can’t stick around for that. I have to let you go. I’m glad for the clarity. You said what you feel. Let the chips fall where they may.  I can respect your right to your views, even if my difference of opinion is in your crosshairs. But I won’t engage with venom. 

I will always wish you, H, and D all of the best in life. I will be glad to see you in THE place of no more crying or pain when we meet again.  It’s where so much of my hope lies. It’s where the people who gave me a life of church values are waiting.  It’s where the baby I lost is- in a place where its conception by rape won’t matter. It’s where a lot of people I’d expect to see will be, and very likely some I didn’t expect to see, and some I expected to see, but won’t… because I can’t see their hearts. But God can. He knows why I believe what I do, and why I think how I think, before I even think or believe anything. His omniscience and omnipotence blow me away, as does His undeserved Gift of grace, mercy, compassion, and great hope of everlasting life through  Jesus. Take care of yourself, and know that you will always be in my prayers for peace, health, and safety.  I absolutely did not intend for one flip comment to trigger such damage.  For that I deeply apologize. 

Until the time when the earth is long in the past, where a thousand years will seem to be but a minute, I say goodbye.  The pain of that conversation isn’t fixable. And I, again, wish you and your family everything good.