The Wacky World of Peripheral Neuropathy and Methadone

This hasn’t been a good weekend.  I slept most of January 1, 2016  (Hey, welcome new year !!), and the next two days haven’t been anything to cheer about (although I am alive, so that gets points).  This peripheral neuropathy is kicking my butt, and this morning it felt like a literal kick just to the right of my butt cheek crack. It is like a deep bruising- definitely a muscle type pain… not the weird ‘nerve’ pain of burning, numbness, tingling, etc.   The burning pain in both outer thighs is also bad.  Generally, the burning pain has been when I’m in bed, but today it has decided to join me until ?  But when I touch those areas on my thighs, it feels numb.  And then gentle contact with those areas brings a type of pain that is disproportionate to the degree of the touch.   When I say ‘burning pain’, I’m not talking about sunburn pain… I’m talking about hot oil type pain, over an area the size of the sides of both thighs.  The first time it happened, I froze with confusion.   Chemo and diabetes can have some gnarly complications.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for.  Since getting the CPAP for sleep apnea last year (close to this time), my head feels much more clear, and the morning headaches have been reduced by about %99- that  is HUGE !!  I’m still tired, but not nearly as wiped out as I had been post chemo.  Chemo fatigue is indescribable.  I’ve had fibromyalgia fatigue since the late 1990s, and it’s bad…. but chemo fatigue can be immobilizing.  Just getting up out of the TV chair to go to bed was overwhelming.  Fibro-fatigue is bad- but at some point, it eases up a bit to take care of basic daily activities enough to function, even if minimally.   (I live alone, so nobody to ask to do something on the fly…. there are a couple of friends around here who are so willing to help, but they have jobs and lives, so it can be hard to schedule a good time for both of us- but they are so willing, which is great.  My 83 year old dad is around, but I want him to have a life… I do ask him for help at times, but I don’t want to take advantage of him or anybody else). 

I know I need to contact the pain doc again.   This next two weeks, I have lab work, a follow-up with my endocrinologist, a routine visit with my neurologist, and the endoscopy with the ultrasound and biopsy of the junction between my stomach and lower esophageal sphincter for the “clinically significant lesion” that was found during the esophageal manometry to clarify the spasms in my esophagus that make swallowing so difficult.  Sometime in all of that, I need to see the pain guy.   And the CT of my pelvic area.  Can’t forget that.  I actually need to get that done before the pain guy, since I don’t want to do any spinal cord implants (to sort of confuse my brain about pain perception in my lower spine area) until I’m sure that nothing lurks in my pelvis.  SO many symptoms are common to a bunch of things, and I don’t want to have a metal implant (kind of like a pacemaker sized thingie) put in if something else is going on.

In the meantime, I’ve been prescribed methadone (t’s not just for getting heroin users off of heroin and on to something that has no ‘buzz’- it is a legit pain med), and have already been on ‘adjunct’ meds for other disorders that also help with pain management, like gabapentin, carbamazepine, clonazepam, cyclobenzaprine, and topical things like Icy Hot ‘sticks’, Salonpas patches, and sometimes just lying still on my uber comfortable bed, with my CPAP machine.

About the methadone.   I don’t like the stuff.  It does work for pain (same category as morphine)…. but I worked drug and alcohol rehab for about two and a half years, and from an objective point of view as a detox RN, it is the worst substance for detoxing.   I’m not concerned about addiction for myself.  I generally have a lot of pain meds left over, to the point of throwing them away because they’ve been in my drawer for so long.   I don’t mess with the instructions or dosing set by my doctor (who is board certified in anesthesia and pain management…. not a doc-in-a-box who only accepts cash, and has a line around the block).   I get no emotional ‘perk’ from the stuff.  But with any controlled substance (as well as things like caffeine, nicotine, etc), there can be physical tolerance and dependence.  That gives me the willies, which I guess isn’t a bad thing, but it does make it hard to take the methadone as often as I can (three times a day), even when I’ve got pain that ‘justifies’ taking the stuff.  It’s common knowledge that pain is easier to manage when it’s treated before it gets really bad… but methadone is no joke.  I have a lot of conflicting feelings about taking it.  And yet, the pain I have now is interfering with just moving around my apartment.   I need pain relief.  I’ve discussed my fears with my pain doc… and he reassures me that he will never leave me hanging as far as dealing with physical tolerance.

My pain doc told me that if the methadone doesn’t help now, the spinal cord implant is the next thing he would recommend.  I trust this guy, mostly because he is not a pill pusher.  He does prescribe them, but he also does nerve block injections with steroids and numbing meds, and options like TENS units (little electrodes on the outside of the body to help ‘trick’ the brain about pain perception).  He has rules about how things work at his office (no dosage adjustments over the phone, no messing with doses/frequency without his approval, random urine drug screens, calls for refills have to be on certain days, etc.).  If he feels people are not following his rules, they’re gone.  No jerking around with pain meds.  I respect that a LOT.

I also consider my age.  I’m 52 years old, and might have another 25 years, give or take, to cope with the neuropathy (and other) pain.  It concerns me to take strong stuff now, knowing I have an unknown number of years to live with this crazy body and the weirdness going on with it.  And yet I hurt.  I can’t take NSAIDs (ibuprofen, naproxen, etc) because of chronic gastritis.  I deserve a decent quality of life with less pain, and if that means pain meds, I need to accept that.  The doc can only help me if I am willing to follow his instructions with the meds that scare me.  I don’t expect to be pain free- that is totally unrealistic.  But less pain would be good.  I’ve had daily pain since the mid 1990s… it’s getting worse, and from different sources.    I want to be able to have some times to enjoy time away from my apartment, and hopefully with friends (those I’ve known for a while, and those I’m meeting at the Bible study).

I thank God for the doctors I have.  They listen, do the proper testing to find out what is going on, and in the case of my primary doc, orders things like my wheelchair to help me be as ‘able’ as possible to get around outside of my apartment.  That has been huge.  Going to the weekly women’s Bible study has been a wonderful way to get away, be around others, and meet people !  I’ve been isolated for the most  part for nearly 12 years. It’s been SO good to be around others, and hopefully be a source of positive interaction for them.

 

 

Ramblings of 2015

Here it is… New Year’s Eve.  Getting ready for 2016.   It’s been a bumpy 2015, though I realize I still have a lot to be thankful for.  A lot has happened.  A few things are still being diagnosed.    There have been family changes.   And like always, I seem to manage… but it’s getting harder to do it on my own.   Fortunately, I believe that God has it all figured out. I don’t have to understand it all…

Last year about this time, I did a home sleep study, that showed that I stop breathing about every 3.5 minutes….so basically I don’t sleep enough for it to be useful.  I hadn’t been getting to the REM stage, so restorative sleep was kaput.  I went in to get ‘fitted’ for a CPAP (continuous positive air pressure) machine, and it has really helped.  The morning headaches have pretty much disappeared (that alone was worth the price of admission).  I dream more- weird dreams, but not bad dreams, and I’m getting to the stage of sleep where I can dream.  Add a pulmonologist/sleep specialist to the list of doctors I see- but this guy is A-OK.  The increase in the quality of my sleep has perked me up, so I want to do more.  I can’t always physically get it done, but it’s nice not to feel like I’m a total slug.

Then the summer came around, and it seemed like my body decided to take a flying leap towards deterioration.  From the head down:  scalp psoriasis got much worse (no more dark colored shirts for these shoulders), swallowing got bad, GERD got worse, back pain intensified, blood sugars got nutty again,  legs started having intense burning pain (as in being set on fire… not sunburn), right leg  atrophy got worse (muscle shrinking), legs started getting weak to the point of feeling like they would give out, blood pressure and heart rate started to do their dysautonomia/POTS thing- again, and something I’m forgetting.  Oh, yeah…. the kidney function tests got weird after my blood pressure got really low.

The psoriasis is an autoimmune thing (not to be confused with autonomic… they are very different).  I keep my head shaved for the autonomic disorder (very heat intolerant, and what is more heat retaining than a head full of hair that is about as thick as a bear rug?), but now the psoriasis ointments benefit from not having a ton of hair to muck through.  SO, I’m usually mostly bald, and flaky.  Not like normal dandruff flakes (those are there with the psoriasis as well), but like sheets of skin the size of my little fingernail peeling off.  Lovely.  And, yet that is more of an annoyance than life-altering.

The swallowing is still being evaluated.  So far, it looks like achalasia (esophageal spasms that don’t allow for food to pass into the stomach normally; feels like a golfball is stuck in my pipes).  They also found a “clinically significant lesion” at the junction of my stomach and lower esophageal sphincter (end of the esophagus), which will be further checked in a couple of weeks when I have the third endoscopy in five months, but with an ultrasound and biopsy done this time.  I don’t like the word biopsy, and don’t like that it took about a MONTH to get the biopsy scheduled. To me, that’s not OK.    In the meantime, it hurts, and food choices are more limited, or I have to pull things out of my throat with my fingers. The safe foods are  more carbohydrate ‘intense’, which hasn’t done much for my blood sugars.  SO, add a gastroenterologist, and return visits to my endocrinologist.

The reflux was also really bad, but changing some of what I eat, as well as  a hefty dose of a proton pump inhibitor (GERD medicine) has helped somewhat.   I can no longer take ibuprofen, or any meds in that category because of chronic gastritis (inflammation of the lining of my stomach), so that is a problem with pain management with other stuff.

I’ve got degenerative disc disease, so it’s not all that unexpected that lower back pain gets worse over time, and I knew I was going to have to go back to my pain doc. I needed a current MRI so he knew what was going on.  That MRI was horrible.  I’ve had a lot of MRIs, and usually it’s no big deal.  This one was for both my lower back and neck (it’s in worse shape with messed up discs and bone spurs), with and without contrast, so it took a long time.  I bailed after the “without” part of the test. I got both the neck and lower back done, but  I couldn’t take  being on my back any longer, not able to move.   Anyway, I went back to the pain doc, where I got an injection in my back (have had a lot of those; they aren’t that helpful, but it does help a little for a few hours).   The next step with that whole mess is to have a spinal cord implant thingie that blocks how my brain perceives pain.  It fixes nothing except perception.  I’m going to have a pelvic CT just to make sure something else isn’t going on before I have something implanted in my back/spine.  In the meantime, it’s pain meds (that I don’t like).  They do help, but I am very careful about making sure I don’t get too used to taking them.  I’m not concerned about addiction.  I get no ‘perks’ other than pain relief.  I use them as directed.  But physical tolerance is something that happens with several types of meds even when used as directed.  It is not the same as addiction (no psychological component ), but can cause symptoms if the meds are suddenly stopped.  So I’m careful. I don’t use them every day.   I follow the dose instructions.  I don’t mess with them.

During a routine follow up appointment with my oncologist, my lab work came back funky for my kidney functions.  My blood pressure had been low for a while, and evidently low enough to mess up blood flow through my kidneys.  After a few medication adjustments, my blood pressure came up and my BUN and creatinine went back to normal, along with my glomerular filtration rate (which had put me in the stage 3 level of chronic kidney disease).  One thing that has always spooked me about being diabetic is kidney failure.  I’m not sure I’d agree to dialysis if it involved the sort that requires dialysis three times a week no matter what the weather, for 3-5 hours at a whack.  That’s not a life in my eyes.   Just my opinion, though I’m sure if it came down to it, I’d do dialysis for  a while, and make any other decisions along the way.

My right thigh had started to shrink (atrophy) a couple of years ago, and a muscle study (EMG) that involves pins stuck into the muscle with a bit of an electrical jolt thrown in showed that I have neuropathy.   Between being diabetic and a LOT of chemotherapy that often gives people neuropathy that don’t already have it, I was like a neuropathy magnet… and it was getting worse.  During the summer, I started having sensory issues.   As in it felt like my right thigh was literally on fire.  Ignited with an accelerant type of fire, not a sunburn.  I’ve got a pretty decent pain threshold (as in joking with nurses during bone marrow biopsies), but this pain would not only wake me up at night, but briefly immobilize me while I tried to make sense of the intense fire sensation, and no fire anywhere near me.  If/when I got myself rolled over ON to the burning leg, it would start to subside.  The same area was numb to touch all the time… Back to the neurologist for another EMG.  The sensory peripheral neuropathy was now said to be progressive (I think most of them are).    Then back to my regular doctor to discuss medication options that wouldn’t mess up the rest of the pharmacy I take.  And, to have her check my muscle strength.  The right leg isn’t so good, and if I’m standing for very long, I feel like it’s going to give out…. so I now have a wheelchair for more than walking around in my apartment, or to the dumpster- which I still do to keep using my legs as much as I can.  The other leg decided to join in the burning pain and numbness, so it’s a two-fer now.   The wheelchair has been a huge help  in getting around at church (I joined a women’s Bible study this fall- the first socialization in years).  I hope to go to the mall soon.  😀 DSCN4140

With my blood pressure and heart rate starting to be weird (kind of like it was in the beginning of the whole dysautonomia business), I was getting more symptomatic.  One night on the way to my dad’s girlfriend’s house for dinner, I started feeling like I was getting a bit foggy-headed, and my heart rate was going up.  Time to head for home.  Don’t pass go. Don’t collect $200.   My internal med doc (regular doc) had already adjusted my long-acting blood pressure med a couple of times,  (paradoxically helps keep my blood pressure UP, unless something isn’t working even more weirdly) , so she sent me off to a cardiologist – more specifically, an electrophysiologist who deals with heart rhythm problems, and dysautonomia.  The good news was that my EKG in the office was OK (which was expected).  My echocardiogram (ultrasound of heart) was OK.  Not perfect, but not bad for my age…. my AGE….. arghhh, I’m getting older on top of all of this  :p .  Thankfully, she didn’t want me to hook up to one of the 3-4 week King of Hearts monitors for extended testing. Those are annoying.  I’ve done them twice.  I end up with episodic tachycardia (fast heart rate), PVCs (not good if they keep going but a couple of them aren’t that big of a deal), and ‘burns’ from the electrode adhesive.   I’ll go see her again in a couple of months as a follow-up.

Sometime during all of this, I went back to my endocrinologist after my A1C (average blood sugar over about a 3 month period) went up more than I was OK with.  I hadn’t seen her in about two years…. I’m SO tired of seeing doctors.  But she got me some new fangled insulin samples, as well as the ‘good’ short acting stuff and told me what to take.  I found out that my Medicare part D (drug plan) would cover BOTH of them at the Tier 2 copays !!  That was huge !  I actually cried with joy at being able to get the ‘good stuff’, and not have to take the “disco insulin” anymore (it was popular in the 70s) .  God bless Walmart for making disco insulin available for $25 per vial ( good insulin can be 10x that price).  But I was going to be able to get the good stuff, AND the endocrinologist got me enough samples to get me from the beginning of October THROUGH the end of the year !  😮

SO, just from medical junk going on, I’ve seen a pulmonoligst/sleep specialist, internal med doc, oncologist, cardiologist, neurologist, endocrinologist, gastroenterologist, and board certified pain management doc.   Good to have all of those folks to help.

My 100 year old grandmother died on Halloween. There was a lot of really snotty stuff that went on with the living siblings (aunt and uncle) ‘passing along’ information to those of us grandkids whose sibling parent was already deceased.  From my standpoint, there is no more family besides my six cousins (in one family).   I am in contact with my mom’s deceased brother’s kids, and that’s it.  Toxic people can be prayed for from a distance.  I will always wish them well.  I will not be part of the games by pretending that it was all OK.  I couldn’t go to the funeral (see above), and the six cousins who also have a deceased ‘sibling parent’ weren’t even seated with the rest of the family.… ’nuff said.   Who knows what my other cousins have been told about how we were left in the dust with being informed about changes in grandma’s condition (admission to hospice) AFTER they’d all had a chance to go visit grandma from various parts of the country (not all did go, but they KNEW what was going on).  And it really doesn’t matter anymore.  It will be very clear in the end when we all meet our Maker.  The aunt and uncle (living siblings of my grandma’s) have to live with themselves.  I don’t.

I’m so thankful for my dad.  He’s my earthly ‘rock’.   He’s 83 years old, and going strong.  We talk every day, and see each other at least weekly.   It’s a gift to still have him in my life.    We joke with each other all the time, which is great- but I’m also so grateful for him.

Shelby turned three years old on Christmas Eve.  She’s still a ‘puppy’ at heart, and my baby.   She had to have a toe amputated this summer- it was benign (there was a swelling and firmness to it that was suspicious)… and she’s back to running around all over the place.   She really is a wonderful companion.  She’s nuts… but that’s fine ❤ DSCN4026

Joining a women’s Bible study was great and I look forward to the new semester starting next week.  It’s been a LONG time since I’ve had much continual socialization opportunities.  I have to take my cooling vest, wheelchair, and Bible with the  specific study guides, but it is such a blessing to feel like I’m a bit of a part of something.  It’s at the church where I grew up, so there’s a sense of familiarity, and I’ve met some really nice new people.  I also ran into the mom of one of the tiny babies I looked after in the church nursery (who was my favorite in the 0-7 month nursery- she was such a bitty little thing, and so cute; I claimed her as mine for an  hour each Sunday 😉 ).  It was great to see someone from the past.

A lot has gone on… it sounds like most of it was ‘bad’, but I don’t feel that way.  I’m getting some help with making life a bit easier (wheelchair, better insulin), as well as less isolating (Bible study).  That trumps the bad stuff to the moon and back.   I’ve accepted that I need help with some things, and have a couple of friends who are willing to help. My dad is healthy and a lot of fun.   I have a great relationship with my birth mom, as well as her extended family.   I can still live in my own apartment, and have my goofy dog.  Through Facebook, I can remain in contact with family,  friends from Texas, as well as those I’ve known from before then.   No matter what is going on, I believe that God has it all under control for His good.   I don’t have to understand it, but I do find comfort in His ability to get me through whatever goes on.  I always seem to land on my feet (more or less), and I believe that my faith is what gets me through things.   God is good.

Bring it on, 2016 !  😉

 

 

Sometimes Being Homebound and Isolated is Really Hard

Considering what has gone on with three people who have been very important in my life this year (they died), I have to know that I’m very fortunate.  Two had battles with horrible cancers between 9 and 10 months long, and one had a sudden collapse with an aortic dissection, but lived two more days…. she had been over a few weeks earlier talking about limited time. Maybe she know something was up, or was just being realistic that at 89 years old, she wanted to get things in order.   We had a really nice visit that I’m so thankful for.  The one who had the 9 month battle with colon cancer is a cousin I had a lot of  phone and e-mail contact with during her horrific struggle.  The other was my dad’s lady friend from church;she and  his first cousin (with the aortic dissection) had services last week.  I wasn’t able to go to either, but did at least meet the lady friend’s family, who I’d heard about for years, and felt a need to pay respects to them; we’d all heard about each other for years. I couldn’t stay long, but at least I popped in after the service for a few minutes.  I will miss them especially during the holidays, but also in general, as they were either family, or just about, as she and dad were buddies for church dinners, going out with friends, etc.

Overall, I really do realize how fortunate I am, but I don’t have many perky days when all is sunny and wonderful. There are some times when I just get overwhelmed when I think about what I used to be like.  Other days, I do my best to get by, and I do still have a lot that I enjoy from home. I still get to help out family and friends with medical  questions/translations- and I’m very glad to do that.  It helps me feel useful in some way.  And I get rather nostalgic about the days when I was working 3 12-hour shifts a week as a charge nurse in some sort of facility (hospital, drug/alcohol rehab, adolescent psych), or the Monday-Friday desk jobs entering assessment data into the computer for Medicare reimbursement and/or care planning for skilled nursing facilities.  I also did some stints on neuro floors, head injury rehab, and pediatrics- so a greatly varied career that I miss.  A great thing about nursing, especially in Central, rural Texas between 1985 – 2002, is that when I’d get bored with something, I had no problem finding another job within days.  Sometimes the offers were waiting for me on my answering machine when I got home from the interview.  Being an ADN, and not having a 4-year degree was never an issue, either as a staff nurse, charge nurse, weekend supervisor (only RN in the building/facility), or department head.  I was lucky to graduate from nursing school in 1985 when we were expected to know how to do procedures and skills, or we didn’t graduate.

Then came disability in 2004.  I fought through 8 years (starting in Texas) of trying different medications to regulate the fainting and weird episodes where I turn beet red, then a bluish red, before becoming pale and cold like a corpse. For eight years, I muddled through, and even had several decent years after the neurologist down there wanted to try an off-label medication.  By the time I was told I was no longer OK to work (by my boss in IL in 2004), it crushed me.  My identity had always been as an RN.  I didn’t have a husband or kids, so no other roles.  My relationships were all with co-workers in Texas ( even though I’d moved back to Illinois, where I was basically thrown away- nobody returned calls, and one former coworker went out of her way to avoid me at the grocery store).  I’d gotten sick- I hadn’t embezzled anything !  I guess it’s a Yankee thing. :/

That started some very chaotic years of figuring out what meds would help with the worsening symptoms (fainting more often, with some injuries including a concussion, and torn meniscus on my right knee requiring a knee replacement, some very strange medication interactions that caused a small stroke, many blood clots in my right lung, and ultimately leukemia (AML, subtype 3, or APL) which required chemo that worsened the autonomic disorder with thigh atrophy and increased sensitivity to heat).  I was a ‘regular’ at one of the ERs early on, and they treated me like trash.  Had I not gone to a decent ER with the blood clots in my lungs, I likely would have died – they were numerous in all three lobes of my right lung and pulmonary artery, and in various acute, subacute, and chronic stages.  The apex of my heart had pressure against it from my lung pushing into it.  It was bad. I only went to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack.

I’ve been essentially homebound for ten years.  I’m not sure that many people really understand what that means when “friends” here (coworkers) disappeared as soon as I left the parking lot on my last day.  I do have my dad, and a couple of friends here- one in particular makes an effort to come over periodically, and has done a LOT of work helping me get things organized so that I can get “stuff” minimized around here. She has been incredibly helpful once we found each other again on FB a few years ago.  I have been invited to family holiday parties- which I can attend one of, after everyone eats, since hot food in close proximity to body heat of other people is a problem- so I go when I’m less likely to stick out as being totally weird.  I really like that family bunch, and I hope I don’t come across as not liking them.  I just can’t tolerate a room over 66 degrees.

There are days when I don’t hear another human voice other than my dad (who is 82 and healthy, so I’m very thankful for that). We try to do daily “attendance” checks with each other, and he is really a huge asset in my life for many reasons… he always has my back.  I know he will never give me bad advice.   I might not see another human more than once a week (again, dad) for a few weeks at a time.  The phone rarely rings… usually it’s dad, my birth mom, or a reminder for  a doctors’ appointment or test (this week it’s an abdominal/pelvic CT for some intense bloating likely related to the autonomic problem).  Facebook is my primary form of contact, and I’m incredibly grateful for that; prior to getting this laptop from my birth mom and cousin, I was even more alone… now I can at least keep up with people I’ve known for years, whether from work, family, or childhood.   I challenge anyone to unplug the phone, have nobody show up at their door, and not hear another live voice in person for days (and occasionally weeks) at a time. It takes getting used to- and even now, it’s still hard.

I miss seeing co-workers and patients.  I miss being able to just go out and do something social without having to deal with the logistics of cooling vest equipment, distance from home, how I’m going to get there, can I leave if I need to, etc.  There are no ‘going out to lunch’ days (who would I go with?).  My dad is the one I go places with on the days when I can go (and I know I’m the most undependable ‘date’ with frequent last minute cancellations because of symptoms of some sort).  He knows that when my cheeks turn a deep bluish-red that it’s time to go.  And he’s always willing to take me anywhere.

People don’t understand that I can’t unload the dishwasher and fold laundry in the same day, or I end up with spasms from the base of my skull to my lower back, and am useless for a day or two.  Chronic pain isn’t ‘seen’.  Fibromyalgia and degenerative disc disease are chronic and  the DDD, will get worse (degenerative is a clue)- so I pace what I do as much as possible.  I miss the days when I’d set my mind to doing something around my apartment, and not stop until it was done.  That’s long gone.  I ‘look OK’, so I’m not sure people understand that I really am doing the best I can.  I live independently (getting many things delivered to my apartment from Schwan’s- frozen foods, Amazon, and Walmart).  I go to the store about once a month… maybe twice if it’s a good week about halfway between disability checks.   I still want to do as much as I can myself, so I don’t lose any more muscle mass.  The initial chemo took up about 20 pounds of muscle, and then the neuropathy in my thighs took much more – while I gained weight on chemo (not easy for my head to deal with, or to get rid of the poundage).

I’ve written about the expenses of Medicare and medications not covered in other posts. Buying insulin from a part D plan guarantees that anyone on it will go into the dreaded ‘donut hole’ where meds are NOT covered by the Medicare drug plans.  Most diabetics are on several medications.  The donut hole is dangerous.   The ‘good’ insulin is upwards of $200 per vial….between the two types of insulin I use , if I got it from the part D company, that would be $600 a month just for that- minimum… Thank God for the  cheap stuff from Walmart; I’d be sunk without it.  I don’t understand why insulin (the better stuff ) – a drug that is absolutely necessary for many diabetics- is so  unattainable.   I worry about this sort of stuff…

But mostly, I miss the things that I used to take for granted… seeing coworkers, having daily contact with other humans, having a purpose that felt like ‘me’ (being an RN), and not having to plan for every contingency every time I leave the apartment, even if it’s only for an hour.   My short term memory and word-finding are still not back to normal after chemo.   Going to the store for fresh produce every week has been long gone.  I might figure out something with dad, to go with him a couple of times  a week to get fresh fruit and veggies.

I really do have a LOT to be thankful for.  I have survived a lot.  During my 55 year old cousin’s final weeks, she weakly asked why I was allowed to live and she wasn’t- not in a nasty way, but in a tone that just sounded like she was trying to make sense of things.   I don’t know.  I know I must have some reason to still be here.  I hope I can make a difference somehow.  The blog helps… I keep track of my stats, and more than 100 countries have hit more than 16, 000 times.  At least people know I’m still here… that and Facebook. And my dad and a couple of people I see every month or two.  That they take time out of their busy lives (and they are busy !!) means a lot.

I’ve got God, my dad, my birth mom, folks on FB, and my dog- who is my main companion and pretty good at it 🙂   So, even though I miss what my life was, I’m at least alive, and still able to live alone, and figure out how to get things I need.   I truly am thankful for that. I know that there are others out there who struggle a lot more.  I remember those people I used to take care of that were never going to live on their own again.  I don’t know where the dysautonomia, diabetes, degenerative disc disease, degenerative  joint disease, or lung scars from the clots are going to lead me… but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.  I always seem to land on my feet 😉

Honoring Abusive Parents… Does God Want Us To Throw Ourselves Under Their Toxic Bus?

I pray that God gives me wisdom especially as I write this post…

I’m very fortunate to have a dad who has my back, is fun to be around, and with whom I can talk about anything.  Having a relationship with him as an adult has been a lot of fun.    If/when he gets upset about something, he says what he says, and it’s over.  He doesn’t hold grudges, and generally forgets he was ever upset.  He doesn’t hold my emotions hostage. He doesn’t guilt me into anything.  I do often feel badly that I can’t spend more time doing things away from home, due to the dysautonomia, but he understands that I will do things when I can- and we enjoy those times.  Even when I was a kid, he never did anything that wasn’t in my best interest.  I didn’t always like discipline, but it was swift, to the point, and never left a feeling of shame.

My mom wasn’t so pleasant when I was growing up.  She wasn’t really ‘mean’, but she was broken. There were some things that were done that were most decidedly unpleasant, and if I had kids, I would not have repeated them.  But mostly she was broken.  She had some intense losses (two newborn sons, two years apart, just three years before adopting me). She was terrified of doing something wrong, and of losing me, so some of her ability to ‘attach’ or bond was damaged.  It wasn’t personal, though as a child, it felt that way.

It wasn’t until my mid 30s that I figured out that all of that was her ‘stuff’.  It wasn’t about me- even though it had a huge impact on me. Her mom was orphaned at the age of six, and had her own issues with attachment (she discussed this with me several times), and she deliberately didn’t allow for much closeness, so I wonder if my mom had any frame of reference for how to parent.  No kid comes with instructions, and not all parents have much insight into their own ‘stuff’.  I do know my mom loved me, and she did many things with and for me… but verbally, there wasn’t much clue that she liked me.   Basically, she did the best she could, with her own ‘stuff’ coloring her emotions and interactions.  I gained a lot of compassion and love for her, by understanding that whatever was going on wasn’t about me.

Being a Christian, it can be very frustrating and confusing to deal with abusive/neglectful/hurtful parents when so much is said about honoring one’s parents.  But does that include overtly abusive parents?  From what I’ve found, the answer is both yes and no…  We aren’t expected to obey demands that go against what God’s Will is for us (He doesn’t want us to be continuously damaged and tormented).  But there is a difference between our expectations as children and that of the adult child/parent relationship.   If a parent is acting within God’s expectations of a solid, loving parent, there probably isn’t an issue about honor, respect, and love.  But for the parent who isn’t able to understand that demeaning, demanding, and destroying their children’s emotions, and the relationship in general, I don’t believe things are so clear.   That abusiveness isn’t from God’s instructions on how to parent (Ephesians 6:2).

Here are links that help with Bible verses, regarding abusive parents, and adult children (remember, that these apply to the abusers as well as anyone who is a parent):

http://www.luke173ministries.org/537996

http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Abusive-Parents

http://www.gotquestions.org/honor-abusive-parents.html

Looking at the word ‘honor’, here is what Merriam-Webster has to say :

1. respect that is given to someone who is admired

2. good reputation; good quality or character as judged by other people.

3.  high moral standards of behavior

There’s nothing about throwing ourselves under the toxic family bus.

 

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/honor 

When there is a toxic relationship, we can’t control what the other person does.  We can only manage our own  responses and behaviors, and decide how honorable we want to be.   God will take care of the ultimate judgement on hurtful parents.  I don’t think we’re expected to put ourselves in harms way with abusive parents.  I do think we can protect ourselves, even via distance and refusing to participate in an abusive parents’ tirades and ongoing unrealistic demands, and outright lies.   Illness and stress are not excuses for abuse.  Even those with dementia are given boundaries.  Those with sound minds are entirely accountable.  If they have such severe reactions to something, they need a professional to help them- not unload in unhealthy ways on their family.

But what CAN we do?  We can focus on our own relationship with Christ. It’s hard to have a full-on relationship with our Lord when we are being torn down by an earthy parent.  We need to give that relationship to God.  We can forgive.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning someone’s behavior- but it is an act of obedience to God.  It’s a freeing up of mental space for more positive content. It relates to our relationship with God… much more so than with humans  (Matthew 7 is good for this). We can show compassion without being subjected to continued and repeated abuse.  Sometimes people have to be loved from a distance.  Sometimes we have to just do what we can, and let the abuser stew in their own anger.

If a parent is not showing the love of God to their own kids,  there is something wrong with the parent (intentional or otherwise).  I’m not saying they have to be perfect, that’s impossible- but (if they claim to be a Christian) they should be compassionate, loving, forgiving, not demanding, not haughty, etc (I Corinthians 13).  LOVE isn’t rude, not self-seeking, isn’t easily angered, keeps no records of wrongs, isn’t proud, is kind, and is patient…  Parents are supposed to show their children those qualities.   And adult children can demonstrate these TO an abusive parent, but still not be subjected to 24/7 abuse.  Interactions can be brief, but still show love as God describes it (sometimes less is more).  Sometimes the honorable part has to be how we interact- not how we hope they interact with us.  My mom ended up with dementia before I was able to see her as someone who needed compassion; there was no reciprocation- but that was OK; I’d fixed my own perspective when I figured out it wasn’t really about me.  Not all abusive parents fit into that category, but we can decide how we want to be viewed in how we interact… we decide OUR legacy- not that of the parent.  The parent will have to answer to God one day, as will we- and He knows our hearts.  He knows about the hurt and damage done to the tender hearts we had as kids… and He can give us strength and wisdom to do what’s right as adults.

The ones who abuse are the ones with the problem, and in my opinion, it’s more of a spiritual and unresolved emotional issues that can’t be fixed until the person has some reason to change, and make amends.  It’s not about the kids (adult or otherwise).  It causes damage in the relationship, but it’s not ‘personal’. All anyone can do in an adult child/parent relationship is show the parent some healthy boundaries,  pray for them, and  be kind without being a victim again.  Sometimes distance is needed because the situation is so toxic.  I don’t think that goes against the Bible.  I don’t think we’re supposed to be slaves or sacrifices for the  abuser.  We’re to be ambassadors for Christ- with unbroken spirits.  And I don’t think that guilt and shame are ever part of a healthy relationship.

Our ultimate responsibility is to God, and following what He wants for us (Jeremiah 29:11)…. if an earthly parent isn’t following that same concept, they are not honor-able.

 

 

Just So Lousy… Death Is An Ugly Business

I’ve been looking back on the last year and a half, and it has become mind-boggling how many of my friends (or their close family members), family, former co-workers, and people who were part of my everyday life are now dead.  I don’t really even know where to start.

Most people know that my cousin died on March 2, 2014, so almost two weeks (tomorrow).  She had a  horrendous fight with neuroendocrine colon cancer, with every complication known to nurse-kind.  I was her ‘go to’ person (as she described me) for bouncing around ideas of what might be going on, and getting my take on what the symptoms she was having could mean.  Being eighty miles away didn’t help, but I did what I could, and my standard line was “you probably need to go to the ER” or “It would be a good idea to call your doctor now and let him/her know what’s going on.”  I was glad to be of some use- and it was also hard to know she was going through so much.

During the last twelve to eighteen months, I’ve looked up former coworkers to see if we could reconnect, and ended up finding their obituaries.   I’ve also been informed about friends’ family members- and in the case of two particular children, it was really so incredibly sad.  One died at age eleven from the same leukemia I had- less than a day after being diagnosed. Another child (8 years old) in that same extended family died from brain cancer, less than a year after she was diagnosed.  She had the best treatment there is (St. Jude’s), and she still lost the fight.  Even though their names are available on public ‘search’ links, I won’t post their names because they were minors- and I don’t have the family’s permission to name them.  I remember some kids who died when I was a kid (friend’s brother had a brain hemorrhage, kid at school had a brain tumor, skating coach’s six kids were murdered by her husband)… but as an adult, with the experience of  pediatric nursing-  hearing the screams of the parents when an infant or child died back in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit isn’t something I’ll ever forget.  It was the most guttural, primal PAINFUL sound I think I’ve ever heard.

I am going to name a few of  the people I’ve lost in the past few years, as I have nothing but good to say about them- and they too are easily found when looking their names up.  I hadn’t expected to find their obituaries, but ….

Madeline Spenrath, R.N. was one of my nursing supervisors in Kerrville, TX.  She was one of the best supervisors I ever had anywhere.  She maintained a bit of a strict ‘ship’…but she had a heart of gold.   I reconnected with  her after her breast cancer was found, and after she’d had to have her right hip removed from the socket (along with the whole leg), as the cancer had spread.  It continued to spread, and she eventually died at one of the nursing homes I used to work at (it helped to know she was getting good care).   Madeline was ‘good people’.   She was down to earth, very knowledgable, and could get an IV into a mosquito in motion.  She had amazing BBQs for the night shift crowd every year for a long time- those were great.  She had someone tend the pit, and everyone brought a dish to pass.  She was all about team work, and it was obvious she was an amazing team leader- and player. She wasn’t above getting her hands dirty.

I had started looking for the mom and godfather of a baby I took care of for most of the first 18 months of his life when his mom worked.  I worked 2-12 hour night shifts on the weekends, and his mom worked 3-11 shifts Monday through Friday, so it was perfect.  The first 3-4 months I had him 5 days a week (had the car seat so I could get errands done), then cut back to 3 days a week so I had some time off.  But he was my little angel bug.  He’s about 25 years old now- last time I saw him he was twelve !   Anyway, when I looked up Jae Arkeen and Dana Coy, I found their obituaries.  It stunned me when I later found out that Jae had relapsed into addiction, and had elevated levels of drugs in his system that he wouldn’t have touched when I knew him.  That broke my heart. He had been SO solid in recovery.  It reinforced that ANYONE can relapse and die with drugs and alcohol.  I really don’t think he’d mind me saying that, because he’d know it could possibly reach someone who is rocky in recovery, thinking they’re invincible with their 12-Step Program.  He was the kindest, most caring guy, and thought that his godson hung the moon. He was so funny, and great to work with.  He later worked in a very intense area of counseling, and I’m sure that, along with what seems like some serious instability in his addiction recovery, was very difficult.  I had contact with  someone who had been very close to him (that I didn’t know), via e-mail, and she let me know what happened.  While it was horribly sad, there was some partial comfort in knowing it was fast- at least at the end.  I’m sure there were some painful times emotionally for him to get to that place.  I worked with him on an adolescent psych unit… he was great with those kids before he moved into a much more specialized area that is polarizing, and very difficult. He was outstanding with those kids.

Dana Coy (RN in several psych units over the years) had a very brief obituary.  brief battle with cancer.  She had been divorced from her adopted-at- birth son’s dad for years, though the son kept in contact with him- so after losing two people who were so close, I’m sure it helped to have his dad there with a long history together.  Dana and I didn’t work shifts together… but we saw each other nearly every day when she dropped the baby off (starting at 9 days old since he was adopted, so not much time off for ‘maternity’ leave), and when she’d pick him up, or I’d take him to work to do a ‘hand off’ if I was working an 11-7 during the week.  I liked Dana.  She was very easy to interact with when I took care of her son… not high strung about things, and also appreciative of having an R.N. for a regular babysitter.   I loved the baby as if he were my own.  She knew that- and also knew that I knew my boundaries as ‘the babysitter’… I always asked her before doing anything with him.  Whether it was a trip to the store, or just going to the apartment complex swimming pool, I made sure she was OK with it.

Another shock was finding out that Tricia Heath, the administrator (and an RN) at a really nice nursing home I worked at in Round Rock, TX back in the early ’90s had died. She was so supportive when I was dealing  some personal things, and was just a kind, compassionate person, who wanted the residents in that facility to have the best possible life they could in an institution.   I really cared about her, and when she and her family moved to Memphis, TN for a job her husband was offered, it was so sad to see her go.  As often happens, people say they’ll keep in touch once they get settled, and then life happens, and they’re in the wind.  Back then, there were no internet search engines for finding people, and it was all basically just luck if phone numbers were in the 411 for a particular city.  Tricia was a great administrator- she kept the place in line for state requirements, but she also had a heart.  I had a lot of respect for her.

Madeline, Jae, Dana, Tricia, and Kathy were parts of my life for a long time. Madeline, Jae, Dana, and Tricia were people I saw every day I worked, depending on the schedule I was on. I wonder how all of their families are doing.  When Facebook and other internet ‘reconnection’ things were available, it was like we’d never been away from each other. I got to catch up with Madeline the most… Jae, only once with a postcard from somewhere, and Dana only briefly when her son was twelve, and I was in Austin for a week for my work; they came up to the hotel to see me one evening when there weren’t any seminars scheduled. But it was great to see her, and how much M had grown !      Tricia was harder to track down since she’d moved back to TX.   I could have paid to find out where she was, but there was information on that thing that was really too invasive for just trying to send a ‘hi, how are ya?” kind of note.  And then they were gone.

I stopped looking for people.  I sort of don’t want to know who else is gone. If more people pop up via Facebook, or whatever, that’s great.  But I think I’m done looking.   It hurts.

Blowing Off Steam About Love and Respect

I need to blow off some steam. Some stuff has been bugging me for a while.  And in some ways, even writing this is making me guilty of what I am so deeply saddened and frustrated by.  For that, I ask God to search my heart for my core beliefs and motives,  that can be so hard to describe in words.  I hope I make sense with this and come from a place that pleases Him.

I’m a fairly conservative Christian,  though I don’t consider myself to be an ‘extremist’ – I don’t believe extremism is beneficial for anything. (Matthew 6:1…”Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in Heaven.”… ‘Appearances’, and not compassion, scream hypocrisy, and push people away from us- and the chance to share Jesus….Matthew 5:22 talks about anger, and the emotions that destroy relationships and spirituality – we’re to be in control of our actions, but our thoughts can also degrade our relationships spiritually… Life Application Bible notes).

It’s one thing to have a firm belief in God and His Word, and quite another to use it as a weapon against those who are either struggling, or have different beliefs- or are not Believers at all.   Nothing about God is  a weapon for destruction.  We’re instructed that our relationship with God is to be used for GOOD, not divisiveness.  Divisiveness is a tool of Satan.  James 3:5 “Likewise, consider the tongue as a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.  It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”  And it can be incredibly difficult to figure out how to love the sinner and hate the sin, and do it from a place of love and compassion for the person, without being judgmental.

Every week there is something else in the media (not from God) that turns on the “judgement switch” of a lot of Christians… and that’s not our job as Christians. I see it in people I know,  people I don’t know in articles and interviews, and I see it in myself at times, and must stop and ask God to help me deal with the situation in a way that pleases Him. I’m not always very good at that.  Every time ‘WE’ judge ‘the other side’, we do *exactly* what we accuse ‘them’ of doing.  I’m so tired of it!  I strongly believe in having a solid core belief system, and mine happens to be that of a conservative Christian. My goal from my heart is that  I become stronger with the  characteristics of a Biblical Christian (not humanly manufactured judgement spewers).   Living the Fruit of the Spirit is my daily goal (and I fail regularly)  😦  … Galatians 5:22… “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”  When I disagree with someone, or feel I’m not being heard or treated fairly, those are the responses I am to have.  And it ain’t easy!

I have enough of my own character defects to work on to have ANY right to call out someone else.  Even if something is in the Bible as sin (and we are ALL sinners), I can only live and grow my own relationship with Jesus.  Even Jesus didn’t come to point fingers and judge- He came to save us; judgement will come at its due time, only known by God.   If Christians are so busy worrying about the actions/thoughts/beliefs of someone else, who is left to love them to the Lord?  Matthew 7 is a great chapter on judgement and forgiveness.

We have all sinned (Romans 3:23).  There is no hierarchy of sin.    I believe we  ALL need Jesus- every single day for our OWN spiritual lives. I understand that not everybody believes that- and God gave us free will to believe or not, so who am I to demand more than God? He wants genuine believers- not robotic, loveless stalkers!   We are commanded to go into the world and spread the word of God… How can we do that if we’re so busy condemning others?  Romans 12:18… “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”   Salvation, and a relationship with God is a choice- we can’t earn it, we can’t lose it… but we must sincerely desire and choose it.  And I can only choose for myself.

Does that mean we condone everything? Of course not !  But we aren’t responsible for the actions and beliefs of others- and if we’re so busy being pious and judgmental, who is left to share the Gospel?  We are known by our actions first.  And there are many Christians who send non-believers running for the hills from the hypocrisy and absolute intolerance of various groups of people, or those who even believe differently. Some send ME running for the ‘hills’, and we’re supposed to believe the same thing !
There is not one person on this planet who can truly know what is in the heart of someone else- their struggles, pain, frustrations, BELIEFS, etc.  Christians are generally taught to appear like everything is wonderful- which is VERY hard to do 24/7.  And it’s disingenuous.  God gave us emotions.  But we do have to be careful about not directing them AT others, and instead using them to encourage and uplift others.   ‘Loathing’ is not from God.  Constant mockery, negative comments, and complaining are in direct contrast to what we are told to do in Philippians 2: 14-16… “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God , without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the Word of Life- in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.”  That’s hard !  But it lets me know that getting involved in negative ‘conversations’ isn’t anything I’m doing to praise God.  It’s purely self-serving when it’s not done out of love, and to offer something positive and encouraging.
I believe that there are a lot of Christians who truly love the Lord, and are still struggling with various issues.  When I worked drug and alcohol rehab, we saw a LOT of Christians… and had a special sub-group of recovery options for them in addition to the traditional  12-step treatment (which is completely spiritually based, and strongly reflective of the Sermon on The Mount).  Christians are not immune from continuing to (or starting another)  sin; for some it’s easier than other to ‘reform’ and/or recover. Some have condemned themselves much more than anybody else could- and are afraid God couldn’t possibly want anything to do with them. (So let’s throw some disdain their way, eh?) And some have lived their entire lives believing that they are guilty of something that was done TO them.
I’m so glad that the  God I know is more loving and forgiving than many of my fellow Christians- known personally or not. And HE knows MY heart!  He has access to the secret corners of my being, and loves me anyway!     Other humans only know what they assume- and that is dangerous ground for basing a relationship (or opinion) with anybody.   John 8: 2-11 is an outstanding example of how Jesus dealt with a woman accused of sexual sins.  He came from a place of love.
I spent many years with severe eating disorders –  clear abuse of the body God gave me, and where the Bible says the Holy Spirit dwells in Christians.  I was living in a state of daily sin by focusing on the flesh– and yet I still loved God deeply, and dealt with the shame of not living fully for Him when I was focused on something so destructive, and felt so stuck.  It’s painful to see Christians assume that because someone is ‘pro’ this or that, or in some sort of addiction (food, drugs, alcohol, etc.)  that they aren’t Believers.  “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”… remember that one?   I’ve met a lot of Christian addicts (recovering, and  just going through detox)… some of the most solid Christians I’ve ever met.   Being a Christian never removes the fact that we’re still human.  We fail. We get up. We move on. And sometimes (a lot of times) we fail again, with the assurance of a loving God catching us in His arms.
Some (a lot of ? ) folks do appear to be clearly anti-Christian.  There’s someone on the news, other TV shows, radio, Facebook, Twitter, etc.  pretty much daily that come  only to verbally mock and shun Christians.  (one program last night had me fairly heated !). God has that covered !  We’ve been told about those who persecute Christians- it’s been going on for a couple of thousands of years now !   And it’s not our fight.  God will take care of those who harass His Children in due time.  I find comfort in that- I don’t have to waste time being angry or even hateful !  I can try and find things to be thankful for.  We’re instructed to be thankful in ALL things.  We’re instructed to have a very specific mindset about our ‘enemies’. ****  It is so much more freeing to not be worn down by things that I have no control over, that will be dealt with by God in HIS timing, and to look at the wonderful things I’ve been blessed with- however great or small… they are more uplifting than the negative people and situations :
****1 Peter 3:9…” Do not repay evil with evil, or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”  
Matthew 5:44… “But I command you all, love your enemies and pray for your persecutors.”
Romans 12:14… “Invoke blessings on your persecutors, blessings- not curses.”
1 Peter 3:15…”But in your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.  It is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for evil.”    Hmm… ‘in your hearts’ (don’t need a billboard).  Gentleness and respect…. (wow- don’t see much of that).  Is it good or evil to single out assorted ‘hot topics’ and make them a thermometer of morality and gauge of someone else’s heart?  Or would it be more in keeping with Jesus, being the definition of love, to reach out and show compassion?  I don’t have to agree with anybody to  be kind to them.
I can anticipate some who read this getting upset that I’m not focusing on pointing out  specific ‘hot topic’  sins of others  that they feel are clearly stated in the Bible.  I’m really not interested in pointing out someone else’s sin nearly as much as I am showing them the love that Jesus came to show us; the Holy Spirit  will convict someone of sin- I’m not that powerful, so why not show love and compassion?  I’m not always good at it- but that is my goal.   When anything comes across as hate, it will drive someone away who God loves, and wants a relationship with.  That’s not being obedient.  I don’t have to change my beliefs to show someone else what I believe- and I don’t have to do it with condescension or spite.  Neither of those are from God.  I don’t have to jump on every bandwagon that comes along to ‘prove a point’.  I know what I believe… I don’t have to repeatedly and frequently drive the point into the skulls of anyone I encounter.  My friends know what I believe, and IF someone asks me, I will aim for the gentle and respectful explanation.  🙂
Sometimes, there are people who will only know one or two ‘known’ Christians… do you want to show someone the love of God, or tear them down by talking about specific sins?  We are all sinners, and Jesus came for all of us.  There are no prerequisites for loving Jesus.  He takes us as we are.  All of us.  As. We. Are.  The miracles of being new creations happens after someone discovers Jesus, and the ultimate meaning of love.
So, what is my hope that I show people?  It’s very clear…  🙂  And it’s an ongoing process.  So, I’m really not at liberty to judge someone else.  I’ve got my own work to do.
I Corinthians 13:4-8a….”Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and New Year filled with peace, compassion, and joy of knowing that God supplies all of our needs.

 

 

 

Sharing Christianity With Love and Warmth

Sometimes it’s hard to be taken seriously as a Christian, as so many Christians come across as painfully judgmental in their tone and overall intolerance- towards those who don’t believe exactly in what they do. We can be our own worst enemies when trying to encourage non-Christians see how Christianity really is an amazing way to get through this life, and that it just gets better!   This age of so much communication being done between strangers with no interpersonal connection doesn’t help much. Reading comments about online articles, stories, etc. are horribly mean and hateful- and the Christians are among the worst at times.  It makes me sad.   I try SO hard not to be one of ‘those’ Christians (and also not to judge them– they have their reasons for their beliefs, even if I disagree with how they come across, at least with how I’ve perceived them in specific online conversations or about specific topics… and I’m not good at that).  I want to be used by God, not drive people away from Him.  That can be a lonely place.  The ‘holier-than-thous’ have no tolerance for ME, and I don’t fit in anywhere because I see approaching people out of love and respect being more important than being ‘right’.

I’m very limited physically in how much I can interact with people (Christians and non-Christians), and so much of what I am exposed to is lacking the ‘in-person’ body language and non-verbal subtleties needed for complete communication. I base my fairly open and ‘cleaning my own side of the street’ approach to a lot of topics based on my belief that Jesus spoke much more about love than He did about judgement.  Jesus loves everybody, and took the ragtag bunch of people around Him to be the ones He kept the closest to Him.  He didn’t look for the legalistic Pharisees. He didn’t take the ones who could recite ‘rules’ twenty-five ways to Sunday.   He chose the hookers, thieves, the poor, and later, even those who used to persecute Christians to help spread His message. Paul was a huge factor in the spreading of the message of Christianity in those early years, and he was horrible to Christians prior to his conversion !   Who am I to only seek out the superficially ‘acceptable’ people to care about?  Appearances mean nothing, both good and bad. (I LOOK very unfeminine, and pretty ratty a lot of the time. Because of some medical issues that make having hair actually a safety issue, as it gets me overheated very fast, and that triggers a lot of unpleasantness, up to losing consciousness… so I look stereotypically ‘butch’, because my head is shaved, and I don’t wear a lot of girly clothes… a t-shirt with flowers is about as ‘foo-foo’ as I get… that’s just me.  I’ve gotten a lot of nasty ‘looks’  and comments over the years about that).  God can use anybody who is willing!  Even if they don’t ‘seem’ like they’re capable of a meaningful relationship with Christ, or ‘look’ like a bonafide Christian 😉

It’s kind of a lonely place at times to not ‘tow the line’ in some very rigid manner. God meets us where we are, and I think we, as Christians, need to show the love of God in ways that fit the person we’re interacting with.   I don’t ‘fit in’ with how I view some very controversial topics in the conservative Christian community.  I believe in the Bible, and that it’s the inspired Word of God.  I also look at the social, scientific,  and cultural norms at the time the Bible was written, and look at ways to learn more about how that translates into today’s society. I am very aware that I don’t know everything.  But no matter how I view something or someone, I feel an obligation to love the person as someone God created in the womb first, and do all things in a way that doesn’t make them run from any message I may have about how God can have a real place in their lives, no matter what any person’s beliefs, strengths, or weaknesses may be.  What good does it do to judge someone, and push them away?  That isn’t the goal !  Jesus told Christians to go into all the world and preach the Gospel… not judge those who will benefit from hearing it (as in everybody !).   God didn’t appoint me, or any other human, to be judgmental.  Matthew 7 is very clear on that.  The Bible is also very clear on doing all things in love.  Focusing on the good, and showing everyone the definition of love in I Corinthians 13, and the Fruit of the Spirit in Galatians.  Those are our standards.

God has been a huge refuge for me during some really hard times.   When I was raped, He was Who I called out to (silently, in prayer) to give me the strength and wisdom to get through it, and escape.  With the chronic medical disorders I’ve got, God is Who gives me the strength to just deal with another day, even when I just want to curl up and sleep until things get better (problem with that is that the disorders are chronic, progressive, and not going to get better).  When I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukemia, my comfort came in knowing that no matter what happened, I’d go on in eternity if I died.  I’d be able to reunite with fellow believers who have died, such as family, friends, and people I’ve read about over the years.  I’d like to share that comfort with others.  I’d like others to know that no matter how alone they feel, God is always around.  When I was in the middle of the last eating disorder relapse, I’d ask God every night literally to just let me wake up in the morning.  He answered all of my prayers during all of those times.  I’m still here.

I don’t run around with my religion on my sleeve (though I do have a few cool t-shirts with messages on them ),  but I will be specific about my beliefs when asked, or when I decide to write about it.  I strive to live my beliefs (and I can always improve !).  I believe that salvation is  a choice.  It is not possible to be ‘good enough’ or ‘earn’ a place in Heaven.  Believing in Jesus, His death on the cross, and resurrection as a payment for our sinful nature -by simply being human- is how I believe people get in to Heaven.  The Bible is very clear on that.  But, there are no pre-existing criteria to ‘qualify’ as a Christian. It’s simply telling God that I know I’ve sinned (we all have, and anybody who is at the age of accountability- which varies with individuals and developmental stages and capabilities needs to make the choice for themselves to seek forgiveness), I ask for forgiveness, and I believe that Jesus died to pay the price for my very human nature and choices that have grieved God, and separated me from Him.  I believe that  Christ physically rose from the dead. I believe that He’s going to return one day to gather Christians still alive here on earth, as well as those who have already left this earth. A lot of really ‘good’ people will be left behind.  I believe that when my earthly life is over, my eternal life begins. And I know that no matter how other people, including  Pharisee Christians, see me, God knows my heart.  That is more important than human acceptance.  I don’t ‘do’ legalism…  I cherish my relationship with the Lord, and other Christians.

I also believe that people have the right to decline God’s offer, and by not making a choice, they actually do make a choice.   They have the right to their beliefs as  I have the right to mine.  My beliefs mean that I only see one way for someone to be ‘saved’, and eligible for eternal life.  But it’s not my place to ‘judge’ someone for not wanting or believing that (I can be sad they don’t choose the same beliefs, but it is NOT OK for me to judge that person).  Those who don’t believe as I do will say I’m being judgmental for saying that there is only one way to Heaven… my answer is this: what is in the Bible didn’t come from me.  God made it a choice, whether to believe or not.  He didn’t create us to be robotic followers.  He gave us all free will. But He wants everybody… He won’t push anybody away for any reason…. so how could I possibly think it’s OK for me to judge anybody for making their own decisions?  🙂

Humans (often Christians) screw up the Bible, and how Christianity is perceived, more than any other factor on earth.  The Bible itself is fairly straightforward, and with religious and historical scholars having written volumes on the various cultural, social, and scientific things, it’s easy to see that God’s plan for our salvation is timeless.  It was seen as heresy when Jesus died and rose again- a conspiracy of major proportions.  Some people still see it as such. Some just think it’s bogus.  That’s their right.  It saddens me, but I still accept that they have the choice to believe what they will.  Faith comes with continued belief, and it’s different for everyone.  God didn’t make us all identical cookie-cutter people (pretty great, eh?), so we all ‘do’ this journey in our own way.   And, we can pray for those who don’t believe, and continue to be kind and compassionate towards them.  How will they ever find Christ if Christians are the first to bail out on them?

To me, the requirements for salvation are absolute; there is only one way to become a Christian-  BUT there are as many ways to BE a Christian as there are people… . It’s a choice.  It’s an active belief, not a passive assumption.   God can use ALL of us 🙂 

I believe that God can use anyone who makes him/herself available to Him.  He doesn’t demand perfection. He doesn’t demand we ‘speaketh’ in a completely unnatural way when we talk to Him.  I am not a fan of religion at all (mindless rituals and rules)… God wants a relationship with every single person on this planet. 🙂  He waits until we seek Him, but then we are His forever.  He won’t force Himself on anybody.  He gave us free will.  And, He has a single requirement for being with Him forever…. belief.  Faith grows over time, but belief is a choice.

I can’t imagine NOT believing what I do.  I can’t imagine NOT believing in Jesus, or His death and resurrection.  I can’t imagine NOT believing that He is coming back.  I can’t imagine NOT having the absolute assurance of Heaven when I die. To me, it takes a lot more faith in “nothing” than it does in a loving God whose Son walked the earth in human form over 2,000 years ago.  I also don’t see humans as a lot who are higher up on the reliability scale.  I couldn’t believe in a mere mortal.  Just wouldn’t work for me.   I’m glad for my upbringing in an evangelical church.  I’m thankful that I had good experiences with how God was taught to me, and that I had several outlets that were wonderful experiences to reinforce what I’d learned (youth groups, summer camp, working at the same camp during 2 1/2 summers, choir, etc).  I’m also very glad I read through the BIble cover-to-cover on my own a few times, so I saw what is in there for myself…. not JUST how a pastor saw it. I’m thankful for study Bibles with amazing notes from reputable Bible scholars to enhance my understanding.

I wish that for everyone. 🙂