Rough Couple of Days With The Viper

Yesterday started out really lousy. For a brief moment, I thought about having something different than the defrosted sushi and applesauce I’ve been eating in the morning for the last sixteen days. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do about something that wasn’t part of my routine. The pit viper doesn’t allow for deviationContinue reading “Rough Couple of Days With The Viper”

The Mind on Fumes…

This is the last paragraph of my previous post: “Eating disorders are conniving and cruel. One ‘day’, things can seem OK, and the next there’s a drowning force of chaos and immobilization. Something moves from being fairly static with background noise to screaming and a desperate thrashing in dark, cold water to get to somethingContinue reading “The Mind on Fumes…”

Dejá Vu All Over Again … Is It Ever Gone ?

I never imagined being in the middle of this again. I’m “old” compared to when it all started eons ago. In mid-May, I’d been at a higher weight than my normal high weight because of trying to get meal delivery of healthy foods- but the calories were insane, even when I tossed stuff out. IContinue reading “Dejá Vu All Over Again … Is It Ever Gone ?”

It’s Going Fast

There are times now when I feel ‘the pull’ from inside to really get rid of the weight that I gained after 20 months of daily chemo for leukemia, beginning in 2010. I’d been at a ‘livable’ weight prior to that, and was finally settling down (14 years after that last treatment center in 1996).Continue reading “It’s Going Fast”

Suicide Secrets- Time to Spill It… Secrecy Just Makes It Worse

With all of the suicides of notable people in the last couple of weeks, it has stirred up my own battles with depression and suicidal thoughts.  Not to worry- nothing ‘serious’ has gone on for years.  When the physical pain becomes more harsh than usual, or there are more health scares, I do think aboutContinue reading “Suicide Secrets- Time to Spill It… Secrecy Just Makes It Worse”

Eating Ghosts and Body Image

I haven’t been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, and I don’t really think I’d qualify since I’m actually a physical mess- no imagined defects. But I don’t like my body at all right now.  I need to lose weight, and I have to admit, I have had times when the ghosts of past eating disordersContinue reading “Eating Ghosts and Body Image”

Suicide… It’s Not About Dying !

Tonight we learned  that Robin Williams is dead, and the consistent information is that he took his own life.  Social media being what it is, there are many comments.  Most are of shock and acknowledging the incredible talent and genius of a brilliant actor and comedian; another  who is gone too soon.  There are someContinue reading “Suicide… It’s Not About Dying !”

Intervention and Treatment Memories

I gained a lot of weight during the time I was on chemo for leukemia.  It’s been very hard to get rid of it, as I’m also perimenopausal, and limited physically as far as what activity I can safely do.  Add a history of eating disorders, and the idea of losing weight is actually ratherContinue reading “Intervention and Treatment Memories”

Sorting Through The Symptoms…

 I’m whining.  *** Warning *** I’m not chipper and smiley right now… Read at your own risk 😉 This has been a weird few weeks.  Actually, things started to get worse with the dysautonomia during chemo for leukemia, which was fairly expected, but it’s getting worse.  Chemo messes with autonomic dysfunction, especially with diabetics, or thoseContinue reading “Sorting Through The Symptoms…”

Talking About Things That Hurt…

I think that for the most part, people mean well.  Even with blinding avoidance of some topics, I don’t think malice is behind what seems like apathy, or even repulsion.  My guess is that it’s more a matter of just not knowing how to approach some topics, especially if that topic is linked to someContinue reading “Talking About Things That Hurt…”