The Pit Viper of Eating Disorders

It’s really bad this morning. I know it sounds nuts to those who don’t have a history with eating disorders, but there are two ‘heads’ that are constantly in some sort of conflict. For years, since the last relapse, it’s been more background noise and static. Now it’s loud, hateful, demeaning, constant, and exhausting. There’sContinue reading “The Pit Viper of Eating Disorders”

Kidney Function and Eating Disorders- Down the Tubes, So To Speak

I found out yesterday that my kidney function has decreased considerably since the last lab work I had done. I’d hoped that the decrease in protein would be helpful, but hadn’t thought about the reduction in carbs with a 500 calorie/day max- and the breakdown of muscle protein that has to be dealt with byContinue reading “Kidney Function and Eating Disorders- Down the Tubes, So To Speak”

The Mind on Fumes…

This is the last paragraph of my previous post: “Eating disorders are conniving and cruel. One ‘day’, things can seem OK, and the next there’s a drowning force of chaos and immobilization. Something moves from being fairly static with background noise to screaming and a desperate thrashing in dark, cold water to get to somethingContinue reading “The Mind on Fumes…”

Dejá Vu All Over Again … Is It Ever Gone ?

I never imagined being in the middle of this again. I’m “old” compared to when it all started eons ago. In mid-May, I’d been at a higher weight than my normal high weight because of trying to get meal delivery of healthy foods- but the calories were insane, even when I tossed stuff out. IContinue reading “Dejá Vu All Over Again … Is It Ever Gone ?”

I’ve Got A Weird Memory

It used to freak dad out when I could draw the floor plans of the apartments we lived in when I was two to five years old (2 different places). I was well into my 40s at that point. I remember trivial things, as well as some things that have partially defined me. Some areContinue reading “I’ve Got A Weird Memory”

It’s Going Fast

There are times now when I feel ‘the pull’ from inside to really get rid of the weight that I gained after 20 months of daily chemo for leukemia, beginning in 2010. I’d been at a ‘livable’ weight prior to that, and was finally settling down (14 years after that last treatment center in 1996).Continue reading “It’s Going Fast”

Thoughts About The Intervention & Inpatient Eating Disorder Treatment -25 Years Later

This started as a reply to a Facebook post, but I got long-winded as usual… *rolling eyes* I had an full blown intervention done on me when I was working as an RN in the detox unit of a chemical dependency treatment center in the Hill Country. Eight or nine co-workers ambushed my butt afterContinue reading “Thoughts About The Intervention & Inpatient Eating Disorder Treatment -25 Years Later”

Eating Ghosts and Body Image

I haven’t been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, and I don’t really think I’d qualify since I’m actually a physical mess- no imagined defects. But I don’t like my body at all right now.  I need to lose weight, and I have to admit, I have had times when the ghosts of past eating disordersContinue reading “Eating Ghosts and Body Image”

Intervention and Treatment Memories

I gained a lot of weight during the time I was on chemo for leukemia.  It’s been very hard to get rid of it, as I’m also perimenopausal, and limited physically as far as what activity I can safely do.  Add a history of eating disorders, and the idea of losing weight is actually ratherContinue reading “Intervention and Treatment Memories”

Running on Empty

The fall of 1981 was one of isolation, hopelessness, and being totally overwhelmed.  I was supposed to be having a wonderful time as a freshman at the University of Illinois- Urbana-Champaign campus.  I was 17 years old when I got there, and had become seriously anorexic the summer before when working as a nature counselorContinue reading “Running on Empty”