Not Personal

I simply don’t trust people  anymore.  Even many I’ve known for decades. After the 2016 election,  I have no faith in the capacity of humans to discern evil or the myriad of other negatives that the UNpopular vote put into the formerly respectable Oval Office.   I have no capacity to understand ANY reasoning that supports “it”.   It’s proven itself repeatedly to be a lying, xenophobic, ignorant, delusional, racist, PROUD crotch grabbing, family splitting, heartless buffoon.  I will NEVER understand how that is acceptable !!  Granted, the choices were limited in 2016, but the SCOTUS nomination ‘perk’ wasn’t enough for me to sell my soul to the devil.  Das Tweetenführer (<– saw that term originally on a comment section online; not original).  The Hitler of America.   SCOTUS nominations are a lame excuse… just because something is legal doesn’t mean those who don’t like it must participate.  

SO, I’ve cut out most people from my life.  Either they’re in the  “it”-lover camp- and tell me I’m overreacting, “It’s not that bad”, etc.  I’m JUST as entitled to my feelings and beliefs as the it-philes are to theirs.  Do NOT tell me what I “should” believe… I’m not any of you.  I don’t CARE what you think about me.  If you refuse to “let” me have my beliefs and feelings, then I refuse any relationship that has to be censored.   I will never (nor do I want to) understand the line of reasoning that goes into a  vote for ‘it’.   But, I do understand that it is the right to choose a buffoon, if that’s who best represents whoever voted for it.   Does ‘it’ represent YOUR values?  Really?

I used to vote GOP the vast majority of the time  (I don’t care what party the County Clerk or Coroner belong to – if they keep their noses clean, they could be from the Generic Party for all I care).  NEVER again.  They allowed this national disaster.  They allowed an absolute douche on the ballot.  I honestly think that suicide is a rational option if ‘it’ would get re-elected in 2020 (should ‘it’ not be in prison).  I can’t stand this Divided States of UnAmerica.  This is not the country I grew up in, and if I weren’t physically limited, I’d be gone.  Canada, UK… somewhere civilized.  I would NEVER choose this as a place to live.

The divisiveness FROM the GOP during the Obama years was just as nasty- and likely racially motivated (so worse)  based on comments from people I actually know.  That sickens me.  Something changed on January 21, 2017… and I don’t think the US can recover.  That would fit in prophetically with Revelations (the US wasn’t ever intended to be the Boss of the Planet).   This little experiment of the USA is done.  It failed.  Gonna be like the Berlin Wall coming down, or the break up of the USSR.  A bunch of complainers in England thought things would be better here. What fools !   I resent the lot of them.  Should be the Pilgrim statues torn down- not the Confederate ones that erase part of our history that is uncomfortable at best- and downright painful for those who were treated as property.  Do we want to negate THEIR reality?

I resent this “era” of treating the world like crap.  Our allies are leaving like rats off a sinking ship.  And they are right to do so.  Guilt by association.  I don’t ‘do’ that either.  I don’t blindly follow humans, like the GOP seems to do.  Tow the party line = don’t think for yourself, or check the accuracy of comments/accusations.   Take the easy way out- and just be told who to vote for… that will NEVER be me (and never has been).

I sincerely think about when would be the final blow for me, that would make me consider ‘opting out’.   The separation of those little kids from their parents was bad for my ‘opting out’ thoughts. It’s a MISDEMEANOR to crossi the border  illegally (non port of entry) though when entering at a port of entry, it’s legal to request asylum. A MISDEMEANOR means losing one’s kids?  How is that American?   This country is based on immigrants (who trashed the indigenous people and treated them much like property, by telling them where they could live and lead their lives per their beliefs).  The settlers in this country STOLE it.

I’m at the point that I really don’t give a shit what people think of how I think.  The people I grew up around (evangelicals) weren’t as rabid as they are now- but I don’t trust them.  My love for God is unchanged, as is He.  It’s the humans.  Many actually cause physical pain. and in the remainder of this term, it’s hard to tell how much more damage “it” will do.  And now “camps” are being set up to house the families (the ones lucky enough to ever see their kids again)… arbeit macht frei.  Dachau anyone?

Am I proud of my intense feelings?  Absolutely not.  But I understand the ‘why’ of them. And it’s not malicious.  It’s humiliation and horror.  It’s compassion for the targeted (our own citizens as well).  It’s everything “they” stand for by condoning ‘it’.  This isn’t home.  This is a nightmare.  And the MAJORITY POPULAR voters are hostages. This is the first time that I remember that the person in the Oval Office actually vilifies anybody who disagrees, and creates it’s own alternate universe- where its followers genuflect and drool in its presence, and hang on its every word or tweet.  I don’t think ‘it’ has ever read the Constitution, and has no idea how to ‘uphold, defend, and protect’ it. This has been one huge paid golf game for ‘it’.  And the crimes perpetrated against non-it followers are celebrated by “its” Kool-Aid consumers.

This isn’t “normal”.  It’s great that we have diversity in politics… but it should never be cruel.  It should never have a “f-you” attitude towards any of our allies, or the brutality of “zero tolerance”.    What happened to moderates?  What happened to “United”?    And for the “Christian” voters…. how is cruelty something Jesus would support?  What about the serial affairs?  What about ‘it’ not believing in asking God for forgiveness?  That should have been a  huge red flag for actual born again Christians who claim to support this evil. Read Matthew 6-7… does that sound like the GOP?  Nothing in the GOP reflects Biblical principles.  Compassion and charity aren’t in their wheelhouse.

Thank you to Call The Midwife, for hours of reprieve.

DIVIDED?  We’re gonna fall like lead through tissue paper.   I already mourn the death of the United States of America.

Why…?

For quite a while, I’ve felt like I really don’t have a group of people that I can really call a core  ‘community’.   Yes, I’m a Christian, but   I am tolerant of others’ choices for their own lives, even if I don’t understand them, or in some situations have any interest in hearing about them ( I don’t want to hear about anybody’s sexual interests… not. my. business.).  I refuse to shun the person.   Why do I have to believe the same as some other human?  Just because they’re a pastor or Bible teacher doesn’t mean they got it right (just watch late night TV preachers… they cast a shadow of doubt on a LOT of Bible teachers, no matter what level.)   I do believe that many are good pastors… but I won’t support any preacher who cherry picks which people are worth their compassion and attempts to understand.  I won’t support any preacher who promotes intolerance.  God made us all.  Period.  And we’re all flawed. Period.  Not one of us is better than the other.  Why do Christians tolerate intolerance?  I don’t have to agree with someone to understand that the choices based on the free will GOD gave them is their prerogative- and it doesn’t have to be mine.  I don’t have to shun them.   I feel like  an outcast most of the time.  I feel shunned by the ‘shunners’.    Add to that that the country is going down the tubes, and I really don’t like most people.     Why do people insist on continuing to prove that they are best avoided?   Or simply say they’re  one thing, and then never back it up?

I haven’t been a regular church goer for a long time (work hours when I was working, then  medical issues that make being away from home for more than a brief time logistically difficult).   Now the folks who went to the church I grew up in will take THAT statement as the reason for all of my frustrations… but my personal faith in God/Jesus is  stronger than ever.  God is the only constant and hope I have.     I KNOW what it was like growing up in a  subculture of evangelicalism- and as a kid I loved going to church.  It was a great experience in the youth groups, choirs, and babysitting in the church nursery.  I truly loved it.  Since it was essentially my only source of social contact, there were no conflicts.  I was still ‘one of them’.  We all believed the same. For the most part.  My folks enjoyed a glass of wine now and then, and dad might have a beer (one) once in a while, where as many were convinced that even one drink was a sin (drunkeness is a sin… a social drink is not, imho).  But the ‘big stuff’ was all part of the church teaching.  Without any personal thought involved. Back then, it was just how things were.   I’m very thankful for a solid church upbringing (and the vast majority of my core beliefs are the same);  it was a consistent environment.  It just didn’t allow for exposure to the actual world as a whole.   I had no idea that things could even BE all that different among other people.

As a kid, it really didn’t matter to me what or who was out ‘in the real world’, since school and (figure) skating were my pretty much my only exposure to people who didn’t go to that church (there was the trip to Europe in the summer of 1977, where I first saw men openly holding hands while walking down the streets of Amsterdam, and hookers had storefront windows with literal red lights that glowed if they were ‘busy’).  It was a time period where society wasn’t as cruel as it is now, and the anonymity of the internet wasn’t even on the radar- so any criticizing, mocking, and name-calling was done in person, and ONLY among  very close friends- unless it was overt cruelty towards strangers.   I was a kid, so not really expected to know any different.  People were simply more decent.  The ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ philosophy had little to do with anything related to sexual orientation in my world,  but included politics, money,  and religion when being amongst folks whose views weren’t already known.   Why did people find it OK to reject others as ‘the enemy’, when they don’t even know them, most of the time based on assumptions from one comment?

Well, then I grew up.  After nursing school, I moved 1200 miles away on my own to start out my life out from under the shadow of being “the principal’s kid”.  I was not only in a different state and overall culture, but was in a city that had  a huge variety of people whose demographic groups I’d never encountered.  The first cross-dresser I ever saw was at a Walgreen’s checkout.  He was buying the make-up for himself, which I hadn’t even thought happened ,   until he turned around and smiled politely at me with full face make-up (foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blush, lipstick).  I was gobsmacked !  Where in the world had I landed? Why does the church exclude simply informing the youth growing up about the various types of people in the world, and how best to show kindness?  Why don’t they teach about using one’s brain to determine if a situation is safe- and not just a blanket “help your neighbor”?   Though now, I’d guess that there is some exclusion clause to avoid anybody gay, who’s had an abortion, or is on food stamps.  Those issues seem to earn rejection without regard to the person who is struggling because of them.

I was also a young nurse during the early years of the AIDS crisis.  I’d never known anybody who was gay (that I knew of at the time- later on I found out differently).   Even church hadn’t really mentioned homosexuality much.  It was a ‘given’ that men loved women, and women loved men.   Women wore makeup, men shaved their faces, and things were supposed to be all “Leave It To Beaver”.  I knew the terms- polite and otherwise – for homosexuality and what it meant- but that was it.   I had no clue that even in my own family, that there were those who were ‘different’ (neither of the two I knew back then were ‘out’ at that time, then two more became known when I was much older).   I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  All four (known) are/were (one is no longer alive) stand-up folks, and simply a joy to be around.  Why shun an entire demographic group?  Were they not also created by God?

I have no idea how many gay men I took care of who had full-blown AIDS (“HIV positive” really didn’t happen without already being very ill… the disease wasn’t identified until various symptoms of full-blown AIDS had already developed; now, antiretroviral meds enable those with HIV to live much longer, and with a decent quality of life).  In the early years, HIV was an automatic death sentence.  There was no hope at all, like there is today.  Most of their families back then, and even their partners, had kicked them to the curb.  Families were ashamed, and partners were terrified to be associated with someone who had “it”.  But what I learned was that these human beings were going through horrific, long deaths, that left them just alive enough to realize they were never going to be OK, and that they’d been abandoned.  Why  shun those who need compassion?   I also learned about the dangers of stereotyping when an entire heterosexual family died from AIDS after the wife gave birth to the son, but needed a blood transfusion- with blood that wasn’t tested for the virus- then breastfed her son, and had normal sex with her husband.  All three died.  Nothing they did had them ‘in the closet’, or on anybody’s ‘judgement’ list.   I was beginning to understand that things weren’t always ‘this or that’, ‘black or white’, or even ‘because of’ assumptions.   All of these people had names and stories, and there simply wasn’t time or desire to judge or hate.  They needed compassion.  Why not just reach out to anybody who is hurting, without judging?

Why the contempt for those who need help?   There is an assumption that the majority of those on welfare are just bums. Why  choose to believe the worst?   It takes a LOT of hassles to get help !  And even then, it’s a sub-poverty existence.  I’ve been on disability since 2004, and until I was eligible for Medicare 2 YEARS after getting Social Security Disability (not the same as the private employer-based disability insurance I paid for when I was working), I  would have had to spend $2000 per MONTH before I was eligible for Medicaid benefits. Each month.  That would have meant no apartment, utilities, medications, food, etc…  So the government sets the income cut-offs for getting help  to exclude the majority of people who need help.    How does it make sense for someone who is medically disabled to not have access to medical care, including medications?    Why are only some people worth taking care of?   Would Christ look at someone who  is sick, hungry, naked, and/or homeless and kick them to the curb?   Not the Lord I learned about !  Remember the sheep and the goats?    There is some belief that people in this country are taken care of no matter what.  That is false !   People die here daily because they can’t afford medications or treatments.   And it’s not just cancer.   Why is that OK?

Why can’t we just disagree, and not be told “Oh, it’s no big deal” (well, to me it might be !), or “get over it” (why should I, when the person who told me this is still bitching about Obama, and called Mrs. Obama the ‘n’ word repeatedly- from her holy evangelical tower?).   Why can’t we just understand that everybody views things in different ways EVEN when we all believe in God (for those who do) ?    There isn’t just one ‘flavor’ of Christian !!  It’s a little like the four gospels- each author had a different viewpoint, but that doesn’t make any of them wrong !    Matthew was a tax collector.  Mark never actually heard Jesus, but followed Peter, and interpreted for him when needed.  Luke was a doctor.  There is no consensus as to who specifically  wrote the Gospel of John- as well as 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, and Revelations.   But all four loved the Lord.  Why is it so hard for Christians to understand – and tolerate- that the belief in Christ is so much more important than the specific  issues that are argued about?

Why has it all ended up like this?   And why does it seem like people would rather be nasty, or not understand that it’s OK not to agree on everything, even if we believe in the same God?   That one baffles me.   I’m just glad that God knows my heart- and those who judge me are really judging themselves.   I might not tow the evangelical rope any longer (I prefer ‘non-denominational’)  but I still believe in the same God of my childhood… and miss those who were part of it, but now seem to prefer to push people away.    Why is that so ‘bad’?   Why has it become so much more preferable to simply avoid humans?   Even (and sometimes especially) those who had been church ‘family’….  it all hurts my heart.  Mostly because they’re so unaware of how much it hurts to suddenly not be ‘good enough’ because I don’t mirror all of their rigid beliefs.