The Pit Viper of Eating Disorders

It’s really bad this morning. I know it sounds nuts to those who don’t have a history with eating disorders, but there are two ‘heads’ that are constantly in some sort of conflict. For years, since the last relapse, it’s been more background noise and static. Now it’s loud, hateful, demeaning, constant, and exhausting. There’sContinue reading “The Pit Viper of Eating Disorders”

Kidney Function and Eating Disorders- Down the Tubes, So To Speak

I found out yesterday that my kidney function has decreased considerably since the last lab work I had done. I’d hoped that the decrease in protein would be helpful, but hadn’t thought about the reduction in carbs with a 500 calorie/day max- and the breakdown of muscle protein that has to be dealt with byContinue reading “Kidney Function and Eating Disorders- Down the Tubes, So To Speak”

The Mind on Fumes…

This is the last paragraph of my previous post: “Eating disorders are conniving and cruel. One ‘day’, things can seem OK, and the next there’s a drowning force of chaos and immobilization. Something moves from being fairly static with background noise to screaming and a desperate thrashing in dark, cold water to get to somethingContinue reading “The Mind on Fumes…”

Dejá Vu All Over Again … Is It Ever Gone ?

I never imagined being in the middle of this again. I’m “old” compared to when it all started eons ago. In mid-May, I’d been at a higher weight than my normal high weight because of trying to get meal delivery of healthy foods- but the calories were insane, even when I tossed stuff out. IContinue reading “Dejá Vu All Over Again … Is It Ever Gone ?”

I’ve Got A Weird Memory

It used to freak dad out when I could draw the floor plans of the apartments we lived in when I was two to five years old (2 different places). I was well into my 40s at that point. I remember trivial things, as well as some things that have partially defined me. Some areContinue reading “I’ve Got A Weird Memory”

It’s Going Fast

There are times now when I feel ‘the pull’ from inside to really get rid of the weight that I gained after 20 months of daily chemo for leukemia, beginning in 2010. I’d been at a ‘livable’ weight prior to that, and was finally settling down (14 years after that last treatment center in 1996).Continue reading “It’s Going Fast”

Suicide Secrets- Time to Spill It… Secrecy Just Makes It Worse

With all of the suicides of notable people in the last couple of weeks, it has stirred up my own battles with depression and suicidal thoughts.  Not to worry- nothing ‘serious’ has gone on for years.  When the physical pain becomes more harsh than usual, or there are more health scares, I do think aboutContinue reading “Suicide Secrets- Time to Spill It… Secrecy Just Makes It Worse”

Suicide… It’s Not About Dying !

Tonight we learned  that Robin Williams is dead, and the consistent information is that he took his own life.  Social media being what it is, there are many comments.  Most are of shock and acknowledging the incredible talent and genius of a brilliant actor and comedian; another  who is gone too soon.  There are someContinue reading “Suicide… It’s Not About Dying !”

Suicide Attempt: Those Who Knew Never Asked…

…why I attempted suicide in September 1982.  I later found out that it was a big secret from  family (or close friends) who seemed like they’d be obvious to inform (as in why I’d suddenly dropped off the face of the earth and was no longer at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign campus).  And, forContinue reading “Suicide Attempt: Those Who Knew Never Asked…”

Letter to My Oncologist

First of all, I can never express enough gratitude and appreciation for what you did to treat the leukemia I was diagnosed with in 2010.  I’m thankful to God for your skills and incredible knowledge that helped to save my life.  Your awareness of the latest treatments for acute promyelocytic leukemia is wonderful .  I’llContinue reading “Letter to My Oncologist”