Not Personal

I simply don’t trust people  anymore.  Even many I’ve known for decades. After the 2016 election,  I have no faith in the capacity of humans to discern evil or the myriad of other negatives that the UNpopular vote put into the formerly respectable Oval Office.   I have no capacity to understand ANY reasoning that supports “it”.   It’s proven itself repeatedly to be a lying, xenophobic, ignorant, delusional, racist, PROUD crotch grabbing, family splitting, heartless buffoon.  I will NEVER understand how that is acceptable !!  Granted, the choices were limited in 2016, but the SCOTUS nomination ‘perk’ wasn’t enough for me to sell my soul to the devil.  Das Tweetenführer (<– saw that term originally on a comment section online; not original).  The Hitler of America.   SCOTUS nominations are a lame excuse… just because something is legal doesn’t mean those who don’t like it must participate.  

SO, I’ve cut out most people from my life.  Either they’re in the  “it”-lover camp- and tell me I’m overreacting, “It’s not that bad”, etc.  I’m JUST as entitled to my feelings and beliefs as the it-philes are to theirs.  Do NOT tell me what I “should” believe… I’m not any of you.  I don’t CARE what you think about me.  If you refuse to “let” me have my beliefs and feelings, then I refuse any relationship that has to be censored.   I will never (nor do I want to) understand the line of reasoning that goes into a  vote for ‘it’.   But, I do understand that it is the right to choose a buffoon, if that’s who best represents whoever voted for it.   Does ‘it’ represent YOUR values?  Really?

I used to vote GOP the vast majority of the time  (I don’t care what party the County Clerk or Coroner belong to – if they keep their noses clean, they could be from the Generic Party for all I care).  NEVER again.  They allowed this national disaster.  They allowed an absolute douche on the ballot.  I honestly think that suicide is a rational option if ‘it’ would get re-elected in 2020 (should ‘it’ not be in prison).  I can’t stand this Divided States of UnAmerica.  This is not the country I grew up in, and if I weren’t physically limited, I’d be gone.  Canada, UK… somewhere civilized.  I would NEVER choose this as a place to live.

The divisiveness FROM the GOP during the Obama years was just as nasty- and likely racially motivated (so worse)  based on comments from people I actually know.  That sickens me.  Something changed on January 21, 2017… and I don’t think the US can recover.  That would fit in prophetically with Revelations (the US wasn’t ever intended to be the Boss of the Planet).   This little experiment of the USA is done.  It failed.  Gonna be like the Berlin Wall coming down, or the break up of the USSR.  A bunch of complainers in England thought things would be better here. What fools !   I resent the lot of them.  Should be the Pilgrim statues torn down- not the Confederate ones that erase part of our history that is uncomfortable at best- and downright painful for those who were treated as property.  Do we want to negate THEIR reality?

I resent this “era” of treating the world like crap.  Our allies are leaving like rats off a sinking ship.  And they are right to do so.  Guilt by association.  I don’t ‘do’ that either.  I don’t blindly follow humans, like the GOP seems to do.  Tow the party line = don’t think for yourself, or check the accuracy of comments/accusations.   Take the easy way out- and just be told who to vote for… that will NEVER be me (and never has been).

I sincerely think about when would be the final blow for me, that would make me consider ‘opting out’.   The separation of those little kids from their parents was bad for my ‘opting out’ thoughts. It’s a MISDEMEANOR to crossi the border  illegally (non port of entry) though when entering at a port of entry, it’s legal to request asylum. A MISDEMEANOR means losing one’s kids?  How is that American?   This country is based on immigrants (who trashed the indigenous people and treated them much like property, by telling them where they could live and lead their lives per their beliefs).  The settlers in this country STOLE it.

I’m at the point that I really don’t give a shit what people think of how I think.  The people I grew up around (evangelicals) weren’t as rabid as they are now- but I don’t trust them.  My love for God is unchanged, as is He.  It’s the humans.  Many actually cause physical pain. and in the remainder of this term, it’s hard to tell how much more damage “it” will do.  And now “camps” are being set up to house the families (the ones lucky enough to ever see their kids again)… arbeit macht frei.  Dachau anyone?

Am I proud of my intense feelings?  Absolutely not.  But I understand the ‘why’ of them. And it’s not malicious.  It’s humiliation and horror.  It’s compassion for the targeted (our own citizens as well).  It’s everything “they” stand for by condoning ‘it’.  This isn’t home.  This is a nightmare.  And the MAJORITY POPULAR voters are hostages. This is the first time that I remember that the person in the Oval Office actually vilifies anybody who disagrees, and creates it’s own alternate universe- where its followers genuflect and drool in its presence, and hang on its every word or tweet.  I don’t think ‘it’ has ever read the Constitution, and has no idea how to ‘uphold, defend, and protect’ it. This has been one huge paid golf game for ‘it’.  And the crimes perpetrated against non-it followers are celebrated by “its” Kool-Aid consumers.

This isn’t “normal”.  It’s great that we have diversity in politics… but it should never be cruel.  It should never have a “f-you” attitude towards any of our allies, or the brutality of “zero tolerance”.    What happened to moderates?  What happened to “United”?    And for the “Christian” voters…. how is cruelty something Jesus would support?  What about the serial affairs?  What about ‘it’ not believing in asking God for forgiveness?  That should have been a  huge red flag for actual born again Christians who claim to support this evil. Read Matthew 6-7… does that sound like the GOP?  Nothing in the GOP reflects Biblical principles.  Compassion and charity aren’t in their wheelhouse.

Thank you to Call The Midwife, for hours of reprieve.

DIVIDED?  We’re gonna fall like lead through tissue paper.   I already mourn the death of the United States of America.

Dysautonomia and Disability- Social Security and Medicare

According to some, I’m nothing but a leech on society.  Here in the US, needing help is seen as being nothing more than a parasitic slug that simply doesn’t want to work. There is no distinction made between those who are lazy (a minority of the people on government assistance), and those who have worked for many years, only to become physically ill and unable to work, by those who ridicule the ‘entitlement’ help out there.  It’s so disheartening to be lumped in the category of those who want handouts. I’d give anything to have my health back.

I spent 20 years working as an RN- in staff, charge, supervisory, and department head positions. Who knows, I may have put an IV in you, or wiped your butt.  I may have been the nurse who called your elderly mom’s doctor 8 times in two days to get an order for her to be seen by a specialist.  I may have spent an hour getting your preemie to drink two ounces of formula. You don’t know. To you, I’m worthless now, and just want ‘entitlements’.  You see me as someone who just wants free stuff… such a cruel and uneducated view.

Well, let me tell you about the ‘free’ stuff. I paid into Medicare during the 25 years I worked (I worked prior to and during nursing school as well as my years as a nurse). I paid into Social Security during those 25 years as well.  I’ve never been on food stamps.  To get Medicaid assistance, I had to meet requirements I didn’t qualify for until a horrendous couple of years of life-threatening blood clots in my lung, and then an aggressive form of leukemia. Those aren’t even the reasons I’m on disability (autonomic dysfunction/dysautonomia and seizures are the culprits there).

To get coverage that meets my medical condition needs, I pay around $500 per MONTH in premiums for Medicare Part B, Medicare Part D, a Medicare supplement that covers what Medicare doesn’t, and prescription co-pays for medications that don’t come in a generic form (insulin is the big one).  That’s not free.  That’s $6000/year (Obamacare or not- it’s BEEN this way for years).   So tell me how I’m living some life on the dole, and just sucking the government dry…

I’m not able to walk more than 100-150 feet without pain that is intense enough to change my plans.  Even with my walker.  To make a sandwich means I’ll hurt. Doing a load of laundry cause intense back and leg spasms.  Bringing my groceries in from the car means a LOT more pain.  I live alone. There is no help for the mundane- I simply have to get it done…or not.  I do the best I can.  And then I see so many hateful comments that don’t differentiate between those who can’t and those who won’t.  And the difference is huge.

To qualify for Social Security Disability isn’t an easy thing.  I had more than 1000 (one thousand- not a typo) pages of medical documentation, so I was approved on the first application. Some people have to appeal several times before they get approved.  People with obvious disorders have more stress by not getting the help that they need.  Do I think that there are people who abuse ‘the system’ ?  Yep.  But I don’t think they are the majority, by a long shot. People become homeless waiting for help- people don’t fake that.  And, I don’t think I’m the only one who feels hated for needing help.  I have a disability policy from the last place I worked- before being sent out by ambulance from work roughly a dozen times during the last 2 months I worked there.  That  private policy allows me to have %66 of my last monthly salary for my total monthly income (with Social Security paying the first part, and the private disability policy paying the balance of the %66). I lost a lot of money by being disabled.  If I didn’t have that policy, I would be living in some pit, in some trashy neighborhood, hoping everyday that nobody shot my windows out.  Do I deserve that simply because my body fell apart?

I never know when my body is going to poop out on me for something as mundane as the thermostat being warmer than I can tolerate. (One former co-worker RN refused to allow me to have a small space on the pediatric floor where I worked to set the thermostat to a temperature I could handle, so I could do my charting- and she was the boss’s pet, so I was screwed… the area I wanted to cool off would not have affected her or the patients in the least….she was simply a cold-hearted bitch with no consideration for what was going on with me; I could have done a big ADA scene, but it really wasn’t worth it for working with Goldilocks… she wasn’t worth it. I’d worked enough different types of nursing to get another job, and keep trying to make it work ).  I don’t even know how stable my internal thermostat will be when I’m at home.  Not working.  I tried to make it work at another job, with fans in my office, and trying to cool off when I felt I was getting overheated, but it simply didn’t work.

The many times I was sent to the ER before, and the first few years after, ending up on disability were a nightmare. I was labelled a ‘frequent flyer’- which is about the most hated label someone can get at an ER.  I was treated like some psycho-drug seeker.  I never asked for anything.  Most of the time, I never remembered getting there via the ambulances.  I wasn’t the one who ‘sent me’ there. My employer had, and I had no say in the matter. I understand they were covering their butts when I was unconscious, because something horrible could be happening- even though most of the time, cooler air and being horizontal were the only things to help.  It sucked.  The ER nurses, and a couple of the doctors, were nasty.  Just plain cruel sometimes.  One of the nice doctors even let my regular doctor know that he’d seen some inappropriate nastiness… but nobody did anything.  I had to just go to a different ER when I knew something was wrong, so I wasn’t blown off.

Real people with real disorders need Social Security (Disability) and Medicare, even though they haven’t hit retirement age.  It’s not a choice… it’s survival.  Without those ‘entitlements’ (that I paid into from the time I was able to work at 16 years old until literally falling over at work repeatedly at age 40), I’d be homeless or dead.  I hate needing these things, since the stereotype by people who don’t know people on disability is that of some bum, mooching off of the government.  I’d love to be working as a nurse again.  I loved being a working RN.  I still keep my license current, even though I’ll never be well enough to use it… but I still want to BE a nurse- not  ‘been’ a nurse.  I worked for that license.  And I loved what I did.

I may be on government assistance, but it’s not free.  It changed my income drastically, and allows me nothing ‘extra’.  I’m doing the best I can, and would encourage everyone to get disability insurance where they work. You never know when something will happen to you.  Nobody plans on becoming disabled.