Feeling Deformed… and Being Needed

I just got back from the endocrinologist’s appointment… they always weigh me there. I already know the number will be horrible before I walk in the door. I know it every time I look in the mirror, or remember the rings I can’t wear anymore, or wonder why I look like an orangutan (my chin has more than doubled).  I detest what I see when I look at myself, so I avoid it whenever I can.  But, bless the doc’s heart- she didn’t rag me about it.  My diabetes numbers are very good, my blood pressure was 98/60, and my blood sugar records were more likely to be on the low side than too high- so it’s not about too many carbohydrates.  And, I’ve stayed within 3-4 pounds for a  year.  But I’m not happy.  Not by a long shot. I look horrible.

I know that as a Child of God, I’m supposed to look at that to determine my self-worth.  I know that He has everything under control, and that He has some reason for this.  I’ve tried so many ways to lose weight, and it just won’t move. I’m afraid to get too radical, since I have a history of some pretty significant starvation and eating disorders. I don’t want to go back there.  SO, how am I supposed to learn to accept myself like this?   I’m unacceptable !  I don’t know what He can do with me like this to be of use to Him.  But I have to trust that He’s got it figured out.

My oncologist told me to just be thankful that I’m alive; many people with acute promyelocytic leukemia don’t make it… I know of two people by name who didn’t even know they were sick  until a day or two before they died from brain bleeds. One was 29 years old, the other was an 11 year old kid.  They both shook me up more than a little.  I was pretty sick in the hospital for six weeks… and initially I lost weight on the induction chemo. Then came the consolidation (arsenic), and maintenance (M6-mercaptopurine, methotrexate, and tretinoin)… 19 months total.  I blew up by 50 pounds from the lowest post-induction chemo weight (30 pounds from before the cancer diagnosis). It’s humiliating.  YES, I’m very thankful to be alive, but I feel like I’ve failed at getting my body into better condition.

My mobility is limited because of degenerative disc and joint disease, bone spurs, and fibromyalgia. My activity tolerance is limited by dysautonomia.  I’ve tried sitting exercising, and my heart rate gets to the point of making me dizzy and pre-syncopal.  I can’t get in a heated pool, or the heat will trigger my blood pressure to nosedive.  I’d slink under the surface of the water, and drown. Not helpful.  I can do some isometric stuff- but that hardly melts off the fat.

But I am thankful for a lot. I love my new puppy, and she needs me to be here for her.  She’s someone who notices if I’m around or not, and wants me close to her. I need that. I don’t get any sort of personal satisfaction from being a nurse anymore… I miss that a lot. I loved working, and am thankful that I had the years I did.  I am very thankful for the stuff I’ve survived.  I want to be here.  I’d rather hate my body than have it parked in a marble orchard somewhere (that’s what my dad calls cemeteries).  I enjoy many things (mostly on TV, or online).  I’m thankful that one day, I’m promised to have a new body in heaven.   I’ve requested a size six. 🙂  It’s just hard for now.

My puppy doesn’t care if I’m a size &^%&# or a size zero.  She just wants me here. When I call her name, she wags her tail as if I’d just given her the best prize in the world.  To her, I’m enough.  I’m hers.  I guess maybe I’ll just have to start there, and have that be enough ❤