Why…?

For quite a while, I’ve felt like I really don’t have a group of people that I can really call a core  ‘community’.   Yes, I’m a Christian, but   I am tolerant of others’ choices for their own lives, even if I don’t understand them, or in some situations have any interest in hearing about them ( I don’t want to hear about anybody’s sexual interests… not. my. business.).  I refuse to shun the person.   Why do I have to believe the same as some other human?  Just because they’re a pastor or Bible teacher doesn’t mean they got it right (just watch late night TV preachers… they cast a shadow of doubt on a LOT of Bible teachers, no matter what level.)   I do believe that many are good pastors… but I won’t support any preacher who cherry picks which people are worth their compassion and attempts to understand.  I won’t support any preacher who promotes intolerance.  God made us all.  Period.  And we’re all flawed. Period.  Not one of us is better than the other.  Why do Christians tolerate intolerance?  I don’t have to agree with someone to understand that the choices based on the free will GOD gave them is their prerogative- and it doesn’t have to be mine.  I don’t have to shun them.   I feel like  an outcast most of the time.  I feel shunned by the ‘shunners’.    Add to that that the country is going down the tubes, and I really don’t like most people.     Why do people insist on continuing to prove that they are best avoided?   Or simply say they’re  one thing, and then never back it up?

I haven’t been a regular church goer for a long time (work hours when I was working, then  medical issues that make being away from home for more than a brief time logistically difficult).   Now the folks who went to the church I grew up in will take THAT statement as the reason for all of my frustrations… but my personal faith in God/Jesus is  stronger than ever.  God is the only constant and hope I have.     I KNOW what it was like growing up in a  subculture of evangelicalism- and as a kid I loved going to church.  It was a great experience in the youth groups, choirs, and babysitting in the church nursery.  I truly loved it.  Since it was essentially my only source of social contact, there were no conflicts.  I was still ‘one of them’.  We all believed the same. For the most part.  My folks enjoyed a glass of wine now and then, and dad might have a beer (one) once in a while, where as many were convinced that even one drink was a sin (drunkeness is a sin… a social drink is not, imho).  But the ‘big stuff’ was all part of the church teaching.  Without any personal thought involved. Back then, it was just how things were.   I’m very thankful for a solid church upbringing (and the vast majority of my core beliefs are the same);  it was a consistent environment.  It just didn’t allow for exposure to the actual world as a whole.   I had no idea that things could even BE all that different among other people.

As a kid, it really didn’t matter to me what or who was out ‘in the real world’, since school and (figure) skating were my pretty much my only exposure to people who didn’t go to that church (there was the trip to Europe in the summer of 1977, where I first saw men openly holding hands while walking down the streets of Amsterdam, and hookers had storefront windows with literal red lights that glowed if they were ‘busy’).  It was a time period where society wasn’t as cruel as it is now, and the anonymity of the internet wasn’t even on the radar- so any criticizing, mocking, and name-calling was done in person, and ONLY among  very close friends- unless it was overt cruelty towards strangers.   I was a kid, so not really expected to know any different.  People were simply more decent.  The ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ philosophy had little to do with anything related to sexual orientation in my world,  but included politics, money,  and religion when being amongst folks whose views weren’t already known.   Why did people find it OK to reject others as ‘the enemy’, when they don’t even know them, most of the time based on assumptions from one comment?

Well, then I grew up.  After nursing school, I moved 1200 miles away on my own to start out my life out from under the shadow of being “the principal’s kid”.  I was not only in a different state and overall culture, but was in a city that had  a huge variety of people whose demographic groups I’d never encountered.  The first cross-dresser I ever saw was at a Walgreen’s checkout.  He was buying the make-up for himself, which I hadn’t even thought happened ,   until he turned around and smiled politely at me with full face make-up (foundation, mascara, eyeliner, blush, lipstick).  I was gobsmacked !  Where in the world had I landed? Why does the church exclude simply informing the youth growing up about the various types of people in the world, and how best to show kindness?  Why don’t they teach about using one’s brain to determine if a situation is safe- and not just a blanket “help your neighbor”?   Though now, I’d guess that there is some exclusion clause to avoid anybody gay, who’s had an abortion, or is on food stamps.  Those issues seem to earn rejection without regard to the person who is struggling because of them.

I was also a young nurse during the early years of the AIDS crisis.  I’d never known anybody who was gay (that I knew of at the time- later on I found out differently).   Even church hadn’t really mentioned homosexuality much.  It was a ‘given’ that men loved women, and women loved men.   Women wore makeup, men shaved their faces, and things were supposed to be all “Leave It To Beaver”.  I knew the terms- polite and otherwise – for homosexuality and what it meant- but that was it.   I had no clue that even in my own family, that there were those who were ‘different’ (neither of the two I knew back then were ‘out’ at that time, then two more became known when I was much older).   I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  All four (known) are/were (one is no longer alive) stand-up folks, and simply a joy to be around.  Why shun an entire demographic group?  Were they not also created by God?

I have no idea how many gay men I took care of who had full-blown AIDS (“HIV positive” really didn’t happen without already being very ill… the disease wasn’t identified until various symptoms of full-blown AIDS had already developed; now, antiretroviral meds enable those with HIV to live much longer, and with a decent quality of life).  In the early years, HIV was an automatic death sentence.  There was no hope at all, like there is today.  Most of their families back then, and even their partners, had kicked them to the curb.  Families were ashamed, and partners were terrified to be associated with someone who had “it”.  But what I learned was that these human beings were going through horrific, long deaths, that left them just alive enough to realize they were never going to be OK, and that they’d been abandoned.  Why  shun those who need compassion?   I also learned about the dangers of stereotyping when an entire heterosexual family died from AIDS after the wife gave birth to the son, but needed a blood transfusion- with blood that wasn’t tested for the virus- then breastfed her son, and had normal sex with her husband.  All three died.  Nothing they did had them ‘in the closet’, or on anybody’s ‘judgement’ list.   I was beginning to understand that things weren’t always ‘this or that’, ‘black or white’, or even ‘because of’ assumptions.   All of these people had names and stories, and there simply wasn’t time or desire to judge or hate.  They needed compassion.  Why not just reach out to anybody who is hurting, without judging?

Why the contempt for those who need help?   There is an assumption that the majority of those on welfare are just bums. Why  choose to believe the worst?   It takes a LOT of hassles to get help !  And even then, it’s a sub-poverty existence.  I’ve been on disability since 2004, and until I was eligible for Medicare 2 YEARS after getting Social Security Disability (not the same as the private employer-based disability insurance I paid for when I was working), I  would have had to spend $2000 per MONTH before I was eligible for Medicaid benefits. Each month.  That would have meant no apartment, utilities, medications, food, etc…  So the government sets the income cut-offs for getting help  to exclude the majority of people who need help.    How does it make sense for someone who is medically disabled to not have access to medical care, including medications?    Why are only some people worth taking care of?   Would Christ look at someone who  is sick, hungry, naked, and/or homeless and kick them to the curb?   Not the Lord I learned about !  Remember the sheep and the goats?    There is some belief that people in this country are taken care of no matter what.  That is false !   People die here daily because they can’t afford medications or treatments.   And it’s not just cancer.   Why is that OK?

Why can’t we just disagree, and not be told “Oh, it’s no big deal” (well, to me it might be !), or “get over it” (why should I, when the person who told me this is still bitching about Obama, and called Mrs. Obama the ‘n’ word repeatedly- from her holy evangelical tower?).   Why can’t we just understand that everybody views things in different ways EVEN when we all believe in God (for those who do) ?    There isn’t just one ‘flavor’ of Christian !!  It’s a little like the four gospels- each author had a different viewpoint, but that doesn’t make any of them wrong !    Matthew was a tax collector.  Mark never actually heard Jesus, but followed Peter, and interpreted for him when needed.  Luke was a doctor.  There is no consensus as to who specifically  wrote the Gospel of John- as well as 1 John, 2 John, 3 John, and Revelations.   But all four loved the Lord.  Why is it so hard for Christians to understand – and tolerate- that the belief in Christ is so much more important than the specific  issues that are argued about?

Why has it all ended up like this?   And why does it seem like people would rather be nasty, or not understand that it’s OK not to agree on everything, even if we believe in the same God?   That one baffles me.   I’m just glad that God knows my heart- and those who judge me are really judging themselves.   I might not tow the evangelical rope any longer (I prefer ‘non-denominational’)  but I still believe in the same God of my childhood… and miss those who were part of it, but now seem to prefer to push people away.    Why is that so ‘bad’?   Why has it become so much more preferable to simply avoid humans?   Even (and sometimes especially) those who had been church ‘family’….  it all hurts my heart.  Mostly because they’re so unaware of how much it hurts to suddenly not be ‘good enough’ because I don’t mirror all of their rigid beliefs.

 

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People Who Literally Make Me Sick (Dysautonomia)

That may sound ridiculous, but within the walls of dysautonomia,  anything that triggers a fight or flight response is something to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, that includes  avoiding people who come across as harshly combative, unapproachable, condescending, promoting hate, and/or having no respect for anybody but themselves and their very narrow circle of (usually) legalistic Christians.  It’s sad.  Several of these people are folks I’d hoped to reconnect with, or at least get to know better.  But when interactions with them actually trigger the heart rate abnormalities and changes, and other dysautonomia symptoms, I can’t have anything to do with them.  😦

I love the Lord with all I am.  I try to look at things with a non-judgemental view, and realize that I’m only responsible for my own actions.  I’m also supposed to be a representative of Jesus, and He Himself said that He is love.  Love doesn’t have a place for hate, rudeness, impatience, unkindness, abruptness, superiority, pride, or anything else that pushes others away.   I feel like I fail that because of not being able to physically tolerate hostile and confrontational people.  I don’t like that my life is better without some people in it, and for that ‘all’ I can do is pray.  Being sick because of them helps nobody. 

I see so much hatred for our President.  That saddens me.  I don’t have to like what he promotes, or believe anything he believes. But promoting and spreading unkind words doesn’t reflect him  nearly as much as it does my own character.  I’m supposed to pray for him as well.  It’s the most powerful thing I have for those who disregard what I believe… and just because I don’t agree with some things doesn’t mean that I disagree with everything.  I don’t claim a political party… I don’t identify with any of them because of the extremism, which always repels more than it engages.

I see so much judgement for those who aren’t Bible-thumping, legalistic Christians (BY Bible-thumping legalistic Christians).  I believe in the Bible very strongly. But I also believe that I don’t know a whole lot more than what I do know.  Because of that, I don’t feel like judgement is my right.  I believe that a Christian is supposed to represent Christ, and not be judge, jury, and executioner for people they don’t know.  I can only judge myself.  Each person will answer to God one day… not me.  I don’t believe in legalism. I believe in a relationship with God that is my own. I can’t live someone else’s relationship with Christ.  I can’t determine who is ‘enough’ of a Christian.  I’ve only walked in my own shoes.

I see so much condescension and disrespect online. Some people I know, but most I do not, and am thankful for that.  I can still pray for them.  I don’t have to like someone to wish them better than what they offer me.  I have had to block some of these people from my life because of the physical reaction to their apparent demeanor in whatever way they’ve communicated with me.  A huge part of communication- the non-verbal- is missing from anything written.  I don’t understand why some people can say things I strongly disagree with, and I don’t become sick, while others leave me needing medication to regulate my heart rate.  Maybe it’s because I’ve heard their tone, general demeanor, and know their personality well enough to know they typically communicate with kindness and respect.  I don’t know.

There are a few people who have been SO personally ‘combative’ in how they interact with me.  One refers to me as ‘human debris’, and has been blocked from my life for several years. I wish him/her well in his/her life, but he/she’s too toxic to have anything to do with. There is another person who comes across as generally condescending in a bizarre way.  He/she also has some indescribable quality that pushes me away. I don’t like that I feel that way, yet I can’t control the way my body responds.  I’m not proud of that. I’ve tried to form some sort of relationship in the past, but there’s a huge wall.   Others who have pushed my body past the limits of being physically stable are those who have been friends of friends on FaceBook… unfortunately, their hateful combativeness with any interaction ended up in deleting the friend (at least on FaceBook; with some, there is still e-mail contact away from the venomous ‘friends’ of theirs.  IF someone had talked to someone I actually knew like that, THEY would be the one cut loose.  I won’t tolerate attacks when something is on a page with my name on it.

There are others who condemn someone very close to me for things that they may have heard about, but got either a biased report, or just enjoy grudges. The people who were there are not nearly as hateful as those who were not.  I will stand behind this person any day of the week.  He/she has always had my back. Has he/she annoyed me at times? Yep.  I’m sure I’ve done my share of being annoying.  (Anybody want to cast the first stone?)  My mom was very hard to live with.  She taught me that appearances and my weight determined my value as a person, and treated me as such. (In her own weird way, I know she loved me, but she was very damaging; I still love and miss her).   But, that is always blamed on my dad- by someone who wasn’t even there.  There are a lot of judgmental eyes on the most outwardly “Christian” side of the family… and that saddens me.  I had no idea how deep the hate ran until I moved back here, hoping to be closer to all of my family.  Evidently, they have no need or desire to move forward and be forgiving- or have anything to do with me, because of their feelings about my dad. (Not all, mind you…. but enough to make things difficult). 😦

Anyway, dysautonomia isn’t just about the physical limitations of standing or sitting too long, being overheated, or having pain push me over the edge. It’s also about being triggered emotionally,  while having all of the cognitive parts of the interaction being very rational, but having my body become ill.  It’s incredibly embarrassing.  I have medication that helps to some degree, but prevention is always better.  And sometimes prevention means avoidance.

I will always wish those people well.  🙂