People Who Literally Make Me Sick (Dysautonomia)

That may sound ridiculous, but within the walls of dysautonomia,  anything that triggers a fight or flight response is something to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, that includes  avoiding people who come across as harshly combative, unapproachable, condescending, promoting hate, and/or having no respect for anybody but themselves and their very narrow circle of (usually) legalistic Christians.  It’s sad.  Several of these people are folks I’d hoped to reconnect with, or at least get to know better.  But when interactions with them actually trigger the heart rate abnormalities and changes, and other dysautonomia symptoms, I can’t have anything to do with them.  😦

I love the Lord with all I am.  I try to look at things with a non-judgemental view, and realize that I’m only responsible for my own actions.  I’m also supposed to be a representative of Jesus, and He Himself said that He is love.  Love doesn’t have a place for hate, rudeness, impatience, unkindness, abruptness, superiority, pride, or anything else that pushes others away.   I feel like I fail that because of not being able to physically tolerate hostile and confrontational people.  I don’t like that my life is better without some people in it, and for that ‘all’ I can do is pray.  Being sick because of them helps nobody. 

I see so much hatred for our President.  That saddens me.  I don’t have to like what he promotes, or believe anything he believes. But promoting and spreading unkind words doesn’t reflect him  nearly as much as it does my own character.  I’m supposed to pray for him as well.  It’s the most powerful thing I have for those who disregard what I believe… and just because I don’t agree with some things doesn’t mean that I disagree with everything.  I don’t claim a political party… I don’t identify with any of them because of the extremism, which always repels more than it engages.

I see so much judgement for those who aren’t Bible-thumping, legalistic Christians (BY Bible-thumping legalistic Christians).  I believe in the Bible very strongly. But I also believe that I don’t know a whole lot more than what I do know.  Because of that, I don’t feel like judgement is my right.  I believe that a Christian is supposed to represent Christ, and not be judge, jury, and executioner for people they don’t know.  I can only judge myself.  Each person will answer to God one day… not me.  I don’t believe in legalism. I believe in a relationship with God that is my own. I can’t live someone else’s relationship with Christ.  I can’t determine who is ‘enough’ of a Christian.  I’ve only walked in my own shoes.

I see so much condescension and disrespect online. Some people I know, but most I do not, and am thankful for that.  I can still pray for them.  I don’t have to like someone to wish them better than what they offer me.  I have had to block some of these people from my life because of the physical reaction to their apparent demeanor in whatever way they’ve communicated with me.  A huge part of communication- the non-verbal- is missing from anything written.  I don’t understand why some people can say things I strongly disagree with, and I don’t become sick, while others leave me needing medication to regulate my heart rate.  Maybe it’s because I’ve heard their tone, general demeanor, and know their personality well enough to know they typically communicate with kindness and respect.  I don’t know.

There are a few people who have been SO personally ‘combative’ in how they interact with me.  One refers to me as ‘human debris’, and has been blocked from my life for several years. I wish him/her well in his/her life, but he/she’s too toxic to have anything to do with. There is another person who comes across as generally condescending in a bizarre way.  He/she also has some indescribable quality that pushes me away. I don’t like that I feel that way, yet I can’t control the way my body responds.  I’m not proud of that. I’ve tried to form some sort of relationship in the past, but there’s a huge wall.   Others who have pushed my body past the limits of being physically stable are those who have been friends of friends on FaceBook… unfortunately, their hateful combativeness with any interaction ended up in deleting the friend (at least on FaceBook; with some, there is still e-mail contact away from the venomous ‘friends’ of theirs.  IF someone had talked to someone I actually knew like that, THEY would be the one cut loose.  I won’t tolerate attacks when something is on a page with my name on it.

There are others who condemn someone very close to me for things that they may have heard about, but got either a biased report, or just enjoy grudges. The people who were there are not nearly as hateful as those who were not.  I will stand behind this person any day of the week.  He/she has always had my back. Has he/she annoyed me at times? Yep.  I’m sure I’ve done my share of being annoying.  (Anybody want to cast the first stone?)  My mom was very hard to live with.  She taught me that appearances and my weight determined my value as a person, and treated me as such. (In her own weird way, I know she loved me, but she was very damaging; I still love and miss her).   But, that is always blamed on my dad- by someone who wasn’t even there.  There are a lot of judgmental eyes on the most outwardly “Christian” side of the family… and that saddens me.  I had no idea how deep the hate ran until I moved back here, hoping to be closer to all of my family.  Evidently, they have no need or desire to move forward and be forgiving- or have anything to do with me, because of their feelings about my dad. (Not all, mind you…. but enough to make things difficult). 😦

Anyway, dysautonomia isn’t just about the physical limitations of standing or sitting too long, being overheated, or having pain push me over the edge. It’s also about being triggered emotionally,  while having all of the cognitive parts of the interaction being very rational, but having my body become ill.  It’s incredibly embarrassing.  I have medication that helps to some degree, but prevention is always better.  And sometimes prevention means avoidance.

I will always wish those people well.  🙂

A House Divided…We’ve Already Fallen

This isn’t about one president.  No one president can accomplish what they promise during their election campaigns since Congress is really running the show. If that’s news to anyone, I’m even more sad for this country.  To be fair, I have been so repulsed by political discussions for so long, that I avoid them. That doesn’t mean I’m stupid, and I’m listening more now.  What I am now is incredibly sad, and overwhelmingly unhopeful. It also stirs up painful reminders of how politics divide families, and erode even simple interactions.  There is nothing civil about US politics.

The divisions between the Republicans and Democrats is certainly nothing new, but it’s gotten to the point that there seems to be absolutely no common ground- like the fact that we all live HERE isn’t a good enough reason to come together.  A few days after September 11, 2001, there was that nice gathering of Congress on the Capitol steps singing God Bless America (and without the ACLU or athiest organizations threatening them with a lawsuit over a religious song- go figure; must have been their day off), and that was nice. It  is the last time I remember seeing any sort of overt public unity among our elected officials.  It was the last time I remember feeling like this is one country, “indivisible, with liberty and justice for all”.

During the Bush Administration, the ‘left’ media was nothing but vicious towards President Bush.  There wasn’t even any minimal respect for the office of the POTUS.  That wasn’t something I’d seen before (and please don’t start in on my lack of political knowledge- I’m just writing about what I remember; I spent a fair amount of time simply trying to survive personal issues to be all that cued in to what was going on in the world).  It was personal.  Pure anti-Bush… because people didn’t like him?  He wasn’t a democrat? He had an accent?  JFK had an accent, nearly got us into nuclear war with Cuba, and yet he walked on water… even more so after he was dead.  The country mourned what COULD have been. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act.

Bush  dealt with something that no other president had been forced to deal with, and there really isn’t a ‘perfect’ way to manage terrorism on home soil in a country that had, for the most part, been mercifully spared until then.  There was the first WTC bombing- and OK, so maybe Clinton could have done more- but I firmly believe he did what he thought was best with the information he had.  Nobody gave Bush that same consideration. What’s to say that in the vast deserts of Iraq there aren’t WMDs?  Do we really know?  Maybe they aren’t there. Which leads to the only option- the far left is into some consipiracy theory that they mock the extreme far right of getting into with their apocalyptic storage sheds and ammunition accumulation.

So Bush did what he thought was best. Is it better to be proactive or reactive with terrorism?  Nip it in the bud, or clean up the mess? Congress signed off on the military action, and domestic surveillance programs.  It’s not all on Bush’s head- but that’s so easy to blow off, since it was a democratic Congress that passed those things.  They certainly can’t take any responsibility…gotta be all on Bush.

The economy undoubtedly started to go south on Bush’s watch.  That’s a no-brainer.  He brought Obama into the picture before the swearing in to ensure the smoothest transition possible.  Obama had a mess to deal with, but it’s not like it was something that was done purposely to  undermine the stability of the US… or do people think that?  (padded room time).  Obama had to appear like he was doing something, so we all got those token checks to ‘stimulate’ the economy.  I paid bills; I didn’t stimulate anything besides the utility companies.

The ‘right’ media certainly doesn’t have anything decent to say about Obama.  I no longer read any media without looking for other sources of the same story before I even consider thinking about it.  It doesn’t do anybody any favors for either side to attack ‘the other guy’.  It just makes them ALL look petty.  And there are so very few media options to get anything approaching ‘fair’.

The most unity I’ve seen in the past 3 1/2 years is when Representative Gabrielle Giffords so nobly came to the State of the Union Address (or some such gathering in the Capitol), and she got what appeared to be genuine welcome and support after being shot and nearly killed by some whack job in an Arizona grocery store parking lot.  SO, let’s see- the worst event of terrorism on US soil, and the near death of one of their own- those are things worthy enough  to join together and be supportive about.  The budget, economy, healthcare (which nobody had time to review before voting), education (we’re dropping every year in the sciences and math), and just getting along aren’t worth enough.  Congress supports the destruction of this country whenever they get together- by inaction.  The survival of the country isn’t a reason to  work together.  Watching CSPAN is like watching a schoolyard nanny-nanny-boo-boo contest.  They get nothing done that actually matters.

I have no reason to think they’re going to act like adults in Washington, D.C. any time in my lifetime.  This country will continue to fall apart, and with the lack of emphasis on general education in public schools, the next generation is getting zippo  to help them figure out how to get out of this.  Congress is a body of  elected civil war participants with words and inaction as their weapons.  The country is imploding, and pride is going to keep it moving in that direction.

I don’t identify with either party.  I’ve got relatives that think I’m so far right, I’m fascist- but that’s based on what I don’t want to hear about, nothing about any actual conversation to actually find out what I think (or make assumptions because of my personal spiritual views; I didn’t come from a cookie cutter, no matter what someone thinks). Come election season, I don’t want to hear about people’s political views.  I miss the days when those things were kept private, and didn’t color what someone thought of another person. Or destroy relationships. I’ve also got friends that make me cringe with thier intolerance about anything to do with the left- if it’s democrat it’s wrong. Period.  That is just as counterproductive as what they blame the other side for doing- because it’s the same thing.   I find it all quite repulsive.   I believe everyone should have political views just as strong as they want to…and I believe I have to right not to put up with them in social settings. There are groups to share common ideas, and I’m not in those groups.  Everybody wants to be heard, but nobody wants to listen.

The house has not only divided, it’s not much more  than crumbling rubble.  Can it be repaired?  I don’t know. But if those who ‘represent’ us in Washington, D.C. can’t get it together, this country is going to slide downhill even more quickly.  What took 236 years to build up will go down like a house of cards with the slightest winds.  Our allies won’t stick around a train wreck forever.  And for those of us here, who remember ‘good’ years, it’s going to be a very painful thing to watch.  This isn’t just about a presidential election- it’s about government growing their asses up and doing what’s right for the majority of the country in a way that is responsible and sustainable.  Or get ready for anarchy.